Starting Over Talk - Peer Coaching Support Site

grizzlys4 wrote:

QUOTE:
Great posts all!! Very interesting.

First of all.............personally, I think I really do both. I learn a ton from people with many differences and the whys and wherefores of their behaviors. But I also learn a lot from people in similar situations and/or with similar backgrounds because very often there is a difference in them in the hows they've led their lives. Great discussion oh princess dear!!!!! ;)


About Allison.......................I also was so glad of that "aha" moment and the honesty that just began to show thru. My huge disappointment in both Allison and the show was that it never went farther........that we saw, anyway. That could have been a cornerstone of a new foundation for Allison to keep her in that awareness and honesty mode and grow on it. But it seems that she and the editors chose to go a different route on the show. I *hope* that she watches these little moments herself as the show is re-run and can allow herself the opportunity to learn and grow and shed the selfish, victim role that she really seemed to cling to by the end of the show.

I have to agree with you Grizz.. on ALL of that.

I see both similarities and differences in others, like most of us do, and learn a lot from both. I do think, however, that for me, it isn't all about similarities and differences as I also take into account the individual and their own unique characteristics, personalities, morals etc. That plays a big part because although I may share the same issues, traumas etc. doesn't mean I can automatically relate with the person I share them with. Same thing with differences, someone may go through totally different things than I've ever known yet through the person that they are.. I can develop a deep understanding and repoir with them.

So I guess I'm trying to say that although it's great to find and relate to others that have been down the same path as you in certain aspects, see how they've handled things, see different perspectives etc. there is a part of the equation to where you have to be able to relate to the person themselves in some way. I can empathize with a person that has gone through things that I have experienced and share with them and try to reach out.. but to really connect with them, it goes deeper into the personality of the person as we are all so different and unique as individuals.

I can definately assist someone that I 'don't get' if they are open and warm hearted individuals that need someone to talk to. I have no problem with people that are different than myself, unless they are, for instance, nasty hateful types or closed minded self absorbed types. Anyway.. you get my drift. Not everyone 'wants' or feels they 'need' to connect with others nor does everyone feel they have issues that need 'fixed' even if others may perceive that they do. You just have to take each person for who they are and for our own sakes, choose to surround yourself in your closer circles with those that bring positive influences into your life, for there are those that some find just too draining on them to be able to spend much time on someone that may be just too self absorbed to really see outside themselves and their affect on those around them. You can only do so much for those people without losing part of yourself 'for' them. That isn't healthy for either party.

There are very few people that I don't get along with.. and I guess if you get down to it you could call it differences.. in the way we think, act, treat others etc. But I was basing this topic of similarities and differences solely on the aspect of seeing something in someone that you share (issues, experiences etc) and determining how you can relate to that individual. Now I just hope that it all makes sense lol

As for Allison.. I see her as someone that puts herself first and foremost in any given situation. The type person that does you a favor to gain alcolades for herself so that she can be seen as a 'giver' when in actuality she expects so much from a person she gives to.. so always wants something in return even if that something is to enable her pity parties and coddle her every tantrum that she throws for yet more attention. She just seems to never get enough of that.. and if she can buy sympathy by doing something for someone, great.. because this is her way of gathering IOUs and friends. She does keep count of what she does and does want everyone to take notice or she won't get her brownie points. This is why I cannot relate to a person like Allison. She may have her good points, but her character (behind the disease) would stop me from getting too close to a person such as this. I feel for struggle with the disease and I'd do what I could for her, but I would not enable her bad behavior and get sucked in to her drama for her own selfish reasons.

Great points everyone! Thanks!

I guess I was more speaking about first impressions, when I was thinking about 'similarities & differences'.
Probably because I have seen so many ppl just so eager to jump at any other person's *opinions*, and *I* am not talking about this group, at all, the topic had sprung from elsewhere. (Actually had to do with a family member, and no one here is related to me, personally. )
Just to put that in order and make it clear to everyone. This came about from a 'gathering' of pals, in a face to face chat.

I was talking with a few of my ftf g/fs here in town, and we got onto this subject, which is why I brought it in here.
We were talking about how we can at times be so wrong about a person, if we choose to go with the first impressions, immediately shut them out because of the differences. I, also, on the same reasoning, have jumped in with some ppl whom I thought had so many things alike, only to find them sneaky back-stabbing beeches.

However, this is really interesting to hear everyone's views. I can learn so much more from threads like this one than the reactionary ones.

I can certainly agree to disagree, and that was something I learned when I asked my God for patience, understanding, and tolerance.

Yup, we do need to look at differences in our lives, with others, and same with similarities. I think for me, the subject popped into my 'fingers' here because of the way that allison just *immediately*, albeit honestly, (for one of the first times to me, and could have been a turning point but, as some already said, perhaps it will be if she watches this herself), jumped into the "Don't steal *MY* thunder!"
But looking at it again, she really didn't jump on a difference, did she? She jumped on a similarity, with Jill. The fact that Jill, who has just found out she has a very serious health problem, just may get her (allison's) attention.

So, I guess, it's looking at both, too, in that scenario. For me, what brought up the 'difference' was the way *I*, personally, reacted. Not negatively that another was going to steal my attention, but that someone would now understand, and that it was someone *I* could HELP, with understanding HER.
I remember thinking when she said, "It would be so wonderful to not be in any pain."
WOW! Have I said that a thousand gazillion times in the past 16 years!!
That's what was going thru my brane at the tYme.

It is neat to talk about things like this, in which there are really no right or wrong ways of looking at things, as we've seen by all the various responses so far. It's something that can be opined without rancor, no matter what anyone feels they work from.
We can *all* learn from this stuff, and I like to put this kind of thing out there.

And for allison, I don't know what happened to the money she, or her pals, collected, or what she did with it, or the bankruptcy.
All I know is she is one of those ppl, that like, IIRC, it was dallas80 brought it up, first. She is just the *type* of person that I wouldn't have around, even if I did have breast cancer and want to chat/vent/rage/talk intimately about, any of it.
She, for ME, is too fake, too self-centered, and two faced. I don't feel like I can trust someone like her. I know many here can empathize with her physical problems, so can I. I lost a lot with mine, mainly my independence! For me that was a HUGE loss!
And I know there are many here who don't see her the same way. We all get to have our own thoughts on that, and we all get to post them.
But so far, from the editing, (I'll even give her that), I just can't seem to wrap my brain around her duplicitous *behavior* on the show.
The huge differences in what she tells/says to her roomies and then what she says in the confessional. They all do it to some degree, but with her, hmmmm, I can't put my finger on it, I just see her as a clearly untrustworthy person. IMO

Off allison again.....I guess my first thoughts on it were if one tended to immediately cut ppl out from differences, or tended to bond with similarities. I know I have many friends who have other problems, and some who seemingly have none, really. I love them all equally, and there are many from whom I have many distinctions, and love them just as much.
Of course, we can ALL learn, if we are patient, to reap the rewards of taking the time to get to know anyone, same or different, and go from there. It was just my immediate reaction, that I was so different from allison's "stealing her thunder" idiom, and so looking at Jill as another person with whom I could empathize and hopefully lend an ear/shoulder/whatever.

So, you're all right, it takes both all the time, and it's what makes us so loverly in each others eyes, if we could only peacefully, contemplatively, take our time, in our first immediate reactions.

Maybe, or perhaps I'm just over tired, heh.

Your Very Silly HineyAss <who is waiting on that tiara, still, my head is swelling more each day, Serena!>

Great points everyone! Thanks!

I guess I was more speaking about first impressions, when I was thinking about 'similarities & differences'.
Probably because I have seen so many ppl just so eager to jump at any other person's *opinions*, and *I* am not talking about this group, at all, the topic had sprung from elsewhere. (Actually had to do with a family member, and no one here is related to me, personally. )
Just to put that in order and make it clear to everyone. This came about from a 'gathering' of pals, in a face to face chat.

I was talking with a few of my ftf g/fs here in town, and we got onto this subject, which is why I brought it in here.
We were talking about how we can at times be so wrong about a person, if we choose to go with the first impressions, immediately shut them out because of the differences. I, also, on the same reasoning, have jumped in with some ppl whom I thought had so many things alike, only to find them sneaky back-stabbing beeches.

However, this is really interesting to hear everyone's views. I can learn so much more from threads like this one than the reactionary ones.

I can certainly agree to disagree, and that was something I learned when I asked my God for patience, understanding, and tolerance.

Yup, we do need to look at differences in our lives, with others, and same with similarities. I think for me, the subject popped into my 'fingers' here because of the way that allison just *immediately*, albeit honestly, (for one of the first times to me, and could have been a turning point but, as some already said, perhaps it will be if she watches this herself), jumped into the "Don't steal *MY* thunder!"
But looking at it again, she really didn't jump on a difference, did she? She jumped on a similarity, with Jill. The fact that Jill, who has just found out she has a very serious health problem, just may get her (allison's) attention.

So, I guess, it's looking at both, too, in that scenario. For me, what brought up the 'difference' was the way *I*, personally, reacted. Not negatively that another was going to steal my attention, but that someone would now understand, and that it was someone *I* could HELP, with understanding HER.
I remember thinking when she said, "It would be so wonderful to not be in any pain."
WOW! Have I said that a thousand gazillion times in the past 16 years!!
That's what was going thru my brane at the tYme.

It is neat to talk about things like this, in which there are really no right or wrong ways of looking at things, as we've seen by all the various responses so far. It's something that can be opined without rancor, no matter what anyone feels they work from.
We can *all* learn from this stuff, and I like to put this kind of thing out there.

And for allison, I don't know what happened to the money she, or her pals, collected, or what she did with it, or the bankruptcy.
All I know is she is one of those ppl, that like, IIRC, it was dallas80 brought it up, first. She is just the *type* of person that I wouldn't have around, even if I did have breast cancer and want to chat/vent/rage/talk intimately about, any of it.
She, for ME, is too fake, too self-centered, and two faced. I don't feel like I can trust someone like her. I know many here can empathize with her physical problems, so can I. I lost a lot with mine, mainly my independence! For me that was a HUGE loss!
And I know there are many here who don't see her the same way. We all get to have our own thoughts on that, and we all get to post them.
But so far, from the editing, (I'll even give her that), I just can't seem to wrap my brain around her duplicitous *behavior* on the show.
The huge differences in what she tells/says to her roomies and then what she says in the confessional. They all do it to some degree, but with her, hmmmm, I can't put my finger on it, I just see her as a clearly untrustworthy person. IMO

Off allison again.....I guess my first thoughts on it were if one tended to immediately cut ppl out from differences, or tended to bond with similarities. I know I have many friends who have other problems, and some who seemingly have none, really. I love them all equally, and there are many from whom I have many distinctions, and love them just as much.
Of course, we can ALL learn, if we are patient, to reap the rewards of taking the time to get to know anyone, same or different, and go from there. It was just my immediate reaction, that I was so different from allison's "stealing her thunder" idiom, and so looking at Jill as another person with whom I could empathize and hopefully lend an ear/shoulder/whatever.

So, you're all right, it takes both all the time, and it's what makes us so loverly in each others eyes, if we could only peacefully, contemplatively, take our time, in our first immediate reactions.

Maybe, or perhaps I'm just over tired, heh.

Your Very Silly HineyAss <who is waiting on that tiara, still, my head is swelling more each day, Serena!>

piper wrote:

QUOTE:
So, you're all right, it takes both all the time, and it's what makes us so loverly in each others eyes, if we could only peacefully, contemplatively, take our time, in our first immediate reactions. :)

Ahhhh.. first impressions! That's a little different as it's very difficult to sometimes gather enough about a person without taking the time to get to know someone and giving them a chance so that you can see what they're really made of. I quoted something in your post that I thought was very very good. Snap judgements aren't usually in the best interest of anyone. We all want the courtesy to have the chance to show who we are without having someone judge us by appearance alone or possibly on a bad day we may be having when we are first acquainted etc.

I believe strongly that "first impressions" are formed mostly by instinct...a feeling that you get about the other person...it's not about appearance for me, or anybody in a mood. It's hard to put into words, but I have to say, I usually find that the first impression is the one that sticks. Different before I learned to trust my own instincts! It's not about not giving people a chance IMO,
but in not feeling a "connection." Saves a lot of time too! I don't mean to suggest that I would write anyone off immediately, but, when I later got "dropped on my head" I had nobody to blame but myself, for not trusting that first "tell."

ceilidh wrote:

QUOTE:
I believe strongly that "first impressions" are formed mostly by instinct...a feeling that you get about the other person...it's not about appearance for me, or anybody in a mood. It's hard to put into words, but I have to say, I usually find that the first impression is the one that sticks. Different before I learned to trust my own instincts! It's not about not giving people a chance IMO,
but in not feeling a "connection." Saves a lot of time too! I don't mean to suggest that I would write anyone off immediately, but, when I later got "dropped on my head" I had nobody to blame but myself, for not trusting that first "tell."

Oh yes Ceilidh.. that 'feeling' or natural instinct definately comes into play with me as well. I usually get a strong feeling about those I meet and you're right, it does play a big part.. sometimes I listen and sometimes I don't and usually find that I should 'always' because it's usually right on lol We do need to listen to that 'feeling' and at least try to understand why we are feeling the way that we do, then make our decisions, taking everything into consideration. Outward physical appearances don't deter me either.