Starting Over Talk - Peer Coaching Support Site

Since I posted about the similarities, and how I learned to do this years ago, rather than look for the differences, I did post about how I had *something* in commmon with allison, after all.

I got to thinking that most of our problems come from doing one or the other, when dealing with other ppl in our lives.

My experience *today* was:
After listening to Jill, (about her health news on the tumor),, and Rhonda asked for an *honest* (I know she asked for it) reaction from allison, she said, "Don't steal my thunder" ?1?!?!!
I know she did say in confessional that she did realize what she was doing, and how she realized that maybe she wanted to be sick, and hopefully this will be a big step for her.
I know she is seeing soemthing inside herself that she doesn't care for. And that is always the first step, but it came out as such a shocking kind of selfishness, that I was surprised.

Now, for me, whenever I find out that anyone has something similar going on with their lives, health-wise or emotional-wise, I tend to BOND with that person, and immediately feel like, "OMG!!! Here's someone that will *UNDERSTAND* exactly why I feel the way I do, will share the feelings, and know what I am going thru!"

I just couldn't understand the "stealing the thunder" feeling AT ALL. So I guess this is seeing the difference between us. But it was also, really neat to know, deep down *I* don't do that anymore! At least I don't jump on the negative right away.

I *used to be* the type of person that would think that way. It made me a 'victim' of others, and it made me not really care for *me*, as I was so *different* that *no one* could possibly understand me.

The old tape that said:

"I know you mean well, but you just don't understand. *MY* case is different!"

It's from the years of working with other women in recovery, and in therapy, that I can look at that and KNOW inside, that *I* don't have to live with that sort of negativity, and I thank GOD for that every day of my life!

NOT that I do this all the time, nor am I perfect, well almost.....<har har har>....riiiightt!

So what do ya'll do, work from *similarities*, or from *differences*, and if so, why, and if not, how you learned to change that in your lifes? And how does the show present this for ya'll?

(Maybe this thread should be moved,as it isn't really all about allison, I'll leave it up to the admins.)

Princess Piper, the Knucklehead

I thought that was a "lightbulb" moment for Allison today. In fact,I
have always found that she did not "shy away" from seeing her
own shortcomings, but how to overcome them, another matter. I may be in the minority here, but I always thought that dealing with
her past while trying to cope with the aftermath of one bout with
cancer, not to mention the apprehension re the genetic testing....was an awful lot to deal with.
I, personally, would have been far more interested to know
her "before cancer" story, so that we could have seen how it changed her. As with any trauma, the person you were "before" is
not there any more. It's the process that interests me...whatever
happens after SOH is just a contiuation of that, and takes time to
"incorporate,' so I find that anything I have heard about former
HGs doing a bit of "flailing" after they leave does not dismay me at all. Takes a while to get comfortable with the new "tool box."
I always try to remember that "old conflicts emerge under
stress"...that your first, ingrained response will come to the fore
immediately....hopefully, we learn to take a breath and not act on it.
Just my "take."

Good idea, Yer Hinass.

It would appear two or more are gathered

I get what you're saying. Yeah - we have to look at the similarities. And we have to look at the differences. I learned looking for the similarities from someone very, very different from me in most ways that count. I might not have gotten the idea from anyone else. It was a 16 year-old black heroine addicted HIV-positive male. One of the wisest beings I have ever encountered. And I saw him for what he really was, because he saw me for what I really was. You'd think we were opposites, but we were anything else. I never knew his name, never saw him before or since. Everything changed forever.

So, similarities first. But after that, we still have to see the differences too. Similarities don't live in a vacuum. If we don't, we have no idea how far we've come or how far anyone else has come. It's kinda hard to move forward if you don't know where you are to start with.

That whole deal with Allison was just messed up. She was messed up. I think she was telling the truth about being so invested in staying sick. She rode that cancer horse a long, long ways before it really seemed to dawn on her that she might be using it for a ride. And then it seemed like she put what she saw aside. Nothing was forcing her to keep her eye on that particular ball - despite what Rhonda said about the difference between enabling and supporting (which was brilliant!). I doubt she learned much until after she left the house.

Good idea, Yer Hinass.

It would appear two or more are gathered

I get what you're saying. Yeah - we have to look at the similarities. And we have to look at the differences. I learned looking for the similarities from someone very, very different from me in most ways that count. I might not have gotten the idea from anyone else. It was a 16 year-old black heroine addicted HIV-positive male. One of the wisest beings I have ever encountered. And I saw him for what he really was, because he saw me for what I really was. You'd think we were opposites, but we were anything else. I never knew his name, never saw him before or since. Everything changed forever.

So, similarities first. But after that, we still have to see the differences too. Similarities don't live in a vacuum. If we don't, we have no idea how far we've come or how far anyone else has come. It's kinda hard to move forward if you don't know where you are to start with.

That whole deal with Allison was just messed up. She was messed up. I think she was telling the truth about being so invested in staying sick. She rode that cancer horse a long, long ways before it really seemed to dawn on her that she might be using it for a ride. And then it seemed like she put what she saw aside. Nothing was forcing her to keep her eye on that particular ball - despite what Rhonda said about the difference between enabling and supporting (which was brilliant!). I doubt she learned much until after she left the house.

ceilidh wrote:

QUOTE:
I thought that was a "lightbulb" moment for Allison today. In fact,I
have always found that she did not "shy away" from seeing her
own shortcomings, but how to overcome them, another matter. I may be in the minority here, but I always thought that dealing with
her past while trying to cope with the aftermath of one bout with
cancer, not to mention the apprehension re the genetic testing....was an awful lot to deal with.

I don't think you're alone with this thought, ceilidh. I thought it seemed like an "aha" moment for allison, but I'm not so sure she *remembered* to keep that in her head.

I know the health problems I have, and I'd *never* want to go thru anything like these SOH type exercises at the same time. However, it seems they had asked for someone with cancer, didn't they? (Not sure myself, only hearsay from this group.) But I know *I* wouldn't 'volunteer.
I'm sure they didn't go directly to her out of nowhere, but that she put herself and her situation out there for them to use.

QUOTE:
I, personally, would have been far more interested to know
her "before cancer" story, so that we could have seen how it changed her. As with any trauma, the person you were "before" is
not there any more.

Very true! I am a far different person than I was before 12-9-90, which is when the turning point came for me, personally, health-wise. It has changed me forever, in good and not-so-good ways. I'm a lot more accepting of others, tho, I find that one thing to be a good point. I don't judge nearly as much as I used to. It gets pretty darned humbling to know you can't be as independant as you always were. IME.

QUOTE:
It's the process that interests me...whatever
happens after SOH is just a contiuation of that, and takes time to
"incorporate,' so I find that anything I have heard about former
HGs doing a bit of "flailing" after they leave does not dismay me at all. Takes a while to get comfortable with the new "tool box."
I always try to remember that "old conflicts emerge under
stress"...that your first, ingrained response will come to the fore
immediately....hopefully, we learn to take a breath and not act on it.
Just my "take."

I think your 'take' is a great one, ceilidh, and much the way I tend/try to tend to look at things, now.

My journey has been a long one, and a difficult one, but I've received so many blessings, and more important, I CHOOSE to look at them as blessings, during my path.
I think it's what we choose/learn to do with what we wind up in the way of our life altering experiences, that makes the world, better or worse. IOW, it's our OWN choices that give or take from us.

Thanks for the feedback.

PP the KH DH

Great posts all!! Very interesting.

First of all.............personally, I think I really do both. I learn a ton from people with many differences and the whys and wherefores of their behaviors. But I also learn a lot from people in similar situations and/or with similar backgrounds because very often there is a difference in them in the hows they've led their lives. Great discussion oh princess dear!!!!!


About Allison.......................I also was so glad of that "aha" moment and the honesty that just began to show thru. My huge disappointment in both Allison and the show was that it never went farther........that we saw, anyway. That could have been a cornerstone of a new foundation for Allison to keep her in that awareness and honesty mode and grow on it. But it seems that she and the editors chose to go a different route on the show. I *hope* that she watches these little moments herself as the show is re-run and can allow herself the opportunity to learn and grow and shed the selfish, victim role that she really seemed to cling to by the end of the show.