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Kim goes to the door where there is a note from Rhonda.
Rhonda: This morning I have a special assignment for the ladies of the SO house. It will challenge how they feel about themselves and each other.
The note reads: Ladies, please go out to the front yard. An assignment awaits. Find your little black cloud and fill in the blank. Bring your cloud to group session today to make the cloud go away.
They walk outside where there are cloud shapes on sticks in the ground with each houseguest’s name on them. The clouds say, I feel depressed when…and they are supposed to fill in the blanks.
Kelly and Jodi are sitting next to each other on the couch. Jodi: I think mine is I feel depressed when I don’t feel loved. Kelly smiles and continues working, making little wavy lines around hers. Jodi: I also feel depressed when I’m alone. Jodi points at Kelly’s cloud and asks her why she’s making it look so happy. Kelly: Well, why not? Jodi: Well, the question is depression. Kelly: Yeah, well now I’m able to ask for help. Unidentified Housemate: Because she wants to. Kelly: Yeah, dammit, cause I f***ing want to! Jodi: Well, I’m just asking. Kelly: Because I don’t feel depressed about that now. The other ladies are laughing a little but Kelly is looking grim. Jodi rubs her hand over Kelly’s cloud and says: Maybe if you’ve dealt with that you should dive into another depression…Kelly: Why don’t you put that on yours? Jodi: When I don’t ask for help? I don’t feel depressed… Kelly: No, put whatever you want on yours. Jodi: I will… Kelly: And I’m going to put whatever I want on mine.
Kelly in confessional: It’s like, back away, I like my poster, you deal with you own poster, I just want her to work on herself, work on your own self.
Kelly is leaning back on the couch, far away from Jodi. Jodi: Okay little Kelly, I’ll keep my mouth shut.
Jill in confessional: Jodi and Kelly are butting heads. And I knew they were going to butt heads. I mean, you know, you can (she sniffs) smell that one coming down the street.
Jodi in confessional: I feel like I’m walking on eggshells with Kelly. And that’s a really horrible place to feel.
Dr. Stan and Rhonda come in for group.
Dr. Stan: I just want to kind of find out how everybody’s feeling and what the vibe is in the house. Jodi: This is the best vibe for me, in the house, it’s pretty darn good right now. Everything has really worked out.
Kelly in confessional: The vibe’s good for Jodi. Because Jodi is like in this fantasy land. For me it’s not good vibes, especially with her, I mean what is she even talking about?
Jill in confessional: I don’t know why Jodi can’t just come out and say, I’m about ready to scratch Kelly’s eyes out, and I want to talk about it.
Rhonda: Moving to you Jill…Jill startles and says “Oh...” Dr. Stan: How is the vibe in the house? Jill pauses and says: Uhhh….it’s settling in. Rhonda: It’s settling in? Jill: Yeah. Rhonda: So what’s it settling from, to?
Rhonda in confessional: Something’s going on in the SO house and for some reason the housemates don’t want to share with their life coaches. When this happens, it’s a clear indication that they do not want to work through their issues, instead of fessing up and asking for help.
Dr. Stan: I’m happy to hear there’s a lot of joy in the SO house, but it’s somewhat antithetical to what’s on your cloud, I think. Rhonda: So let’s start with Kelly, because you’re supposed to fill in the blank… Kelly: Well, I originally put when I don’t ask for help, but then Jodi spoke up a little bit and I got extremely defensive when she did. Instead of taking it at face value that she was trying to help me, I was like…get away from me.
Jodi in confessional: I am definitely learning to be a lot calmer in confrontations, and I am practicing that with Kelly, not that I don’t get heated as well, but I don’t explode like Kelly does.
Kelly: I don’t necessarily get depressed, but I think what happens is, I get defensive, I back away, and I cause depression. Dr. Stan: I’m going to stop you right there because here’s the thing, we want you to answer this question, I feel depressed when… Kelly: When I’m told what to do. Christie: I feel depressed when I feel lost, overwhelmed, and I don’t know why, and what I have is never enough.
Dr. Stan in confessional: Rhonda, Ilanya and myself have all noticed that the women use the word depression to identify many feelings which really aren’t depression. I really want to help the women label their feelings appropriately and not use the word depression when they’re truly not depressed.
Dr. Stan: I may have said this to some of you, the most serious health problem we have in our country is mental illness, and the most serious problem related to that is depression. But depression is a little bit different than sadness, apprehension and guilt, and yet we sometimes label our feelings as depressed, so I want to talk a little bit about what it means to be depressed in a clinical way. With the symptoms being, staying in bed, sleeping too much, eating too much or too little, agitation, taking no pleasure in the things you used to take pleasure in, always this black cloud following you. I don’t think anyone is depressed in a clinical way today in the SO house and yet all of you were able to come up with, I’m depressed…so I want to make sure we don’t throw around that term too easily or label ourselves too seriously. It’s much better to say, I don’t have the answer, than to say I’m depressed or hopeless. Rhonda: Because when you say I don’t know what to do, people can reach out to you so there’s all this ability for support and connection. Depressed is like, leave me alone, don’t bother me, there’s nothing we can do because I’m depressed. Dr. Stan: Read what you wrote again. Jill: Well, I said I feel depressed when I’m frustrated. Dr. Stan: Now that you’ve heard our talk, what would you rather say? Jill: I feel depressed when my needs are unmet. I don’t have a car; I don’t have the right living space, like that… Dr. Stan: You get depressed when you’re broke, homeless and out of a job. Rhonda: So when were you broke, homeless and out of a job? Jill: I had an unwanted tenant on my sofa. Rhonda: Right, but that was a choice… Jill: Right, but I was still depressed. Rhonda: Was it depression when your mother is on your couch and you realize you don’t want her there anymore, are you depressed? What Dr. Stan is trying to get at, is there another word or feeling that you’re experiencing other than depression? Dr. Stan: And everyone knows what that word is, how about angry? Jill: So I’m not depressed! Dr. Stan: Bingo! Everyone laughs. Rhonda: The bottom line is, look at how Jill was avoiding responsibility for her life because she was calling it depression. Dr. Stan: People who are depressed don’t face their challenges, and they often can’t, and depression can be very serious. We want you to treat depression a little differently than you did before as a word and as a concept, try to label your feelings, you may be melancholy, frustrated or angry, but don’t label it as depression.
Kelly in confessional: I think I would say I’m not so much depressed about the Jodi situation as much as I’m mad about the Jodi situation. I’m really wondering if I’m going to make it in this house, with Jodi with me.
The ladies are making breakfast and talking about who’s having one piece of bacon. Kelly: So do you guys weigh yourselves? Lisa: I haven’t weighed myself. Jodi: I don’t ever weigh myself. Christie: I weigh myself. Kelly to Jodi: How do you know if you lose? Jodi: Inches. I just think that’s crazy for me to get stuck to a number.
Jodi in confessional: I’m just not feeling a lot of compassion from Kelly for me; I don’t think she’s being very sensitive to my obvious issues with the scale.
Christie in confessional: Kim and I are in the middle of doing this mom assignment together and it really brings up feelings and memories for me I don’t want to deal with.
Christie: I was going to tell you about my dad. I had a thought and I lost it. Lisa: So the story you heard about how he died… Christie: Was that he wanted to reconcile with her, and he’d been drinking, and my mom said let me drive you home, and he said no I’m fine, and on the way home he hit a telephone pole and he was dead on arrival at the hospital. My dad’s family totally blamed my mom. Lisa: Oh wow, oh my gosh. Christie: But that’s how they had to deal with it in their heads because they didn’t want to think of him being responsible for his own death. Lisa: Right, like it was a suicide. Christie: So it was easier to blame my mom.
Christie in confessional: This is the first time I’ve talked to my roommates about my dad and his death and the rumors about how he died and as I’m speaking I’m feeling that same numbness because it’s just a story now. The mom issue is hard.
Lisa: When you think about that with your mom, I mean, what’s the easiest way to numb out of that? Christie: Oh yeah, and that’s when she started using. Lisa: Cause here she’s just been with him and then something like that happens, that’s tragic, and for her to have to live with that… Kelly: What kind of drugs was she on? Christie: Meth. She lost everything. Kelly: She doesn’t do that anymore? Christie: She could be doing anything, I have no idea. And it’s easier for me to not even go there in my head, cause it hurts.
Rhonda and Kelly meet.
Rhonda in confessional: Kelly’s in the SO house to feel more comfortable with physical affection. Today I have an exercise for her that’s going to take it to the next level.
Rhonda shows her a bunch of paper hands and has Kelly write on them.
Rhonda: What ways can you show affection? Kelly: Stroking their hair, rubbing their back, hold hands… Rhonda: Lots of ways to touch people, isn’t there? Do you use all these ways? Kelly: No… Rhonda: You’re going to have to think. I want you to come up with different ways of being affectionate with people. Kelly: Can I ask people? Rhonda: Sure, you can ask your housemates for help, then you’re going to meet with Dr. Stan and we’ll meet later. She tells Kelly as she hugs her that her hugs are getting more real, she is loosening up a little.
Kim in confessional: Christie and I are working on an assignment where we’re to investigate our mothers by calling relatives or friends and I walk in there and see Christie on the bed and I said, do you think that maybe we should try to make a couple more phone calls before we meet with Rhonda? And she’s like, no I don’t think so.
Christie: I’m going to lie down for half hours. Seriously, I need to take a nap cause I don’t want to be bitchy again.
Christie in confessional: Kim is driving me nuts. She is driving me completely nuts on this assignment about moms.
We see Kim sitting on her bed, head down, and busily writing. Christie pulls the covers over her head.
Jodi in the van: It seems like there is a conspiracy to get me on the scale. There’s scales everywhere in the house, everybody’s talking to me about getting on the scale, now I’m going to meet my trainer and I have a feeling she’s going to want to get me on the scale. But I’m not getting on the scale.
Jodi walks in to Curves and greets her trainer, who begins her workout program.
Jodi in confessional: Kelly doesn’t have an issue with the scale and she doesn’t clearly understand what my issues are with it, so I’m a little frustrated with it because for reasons that I’ve shared, I have an issue with the scale right now. So, back off!
Jodi continues her workout and is throwing punches while pumping her arms, and says “I’ll just picture her face right there,” and throws a big punch.
Kim gets on the phone and is trying to reach Regina, Christie’s sister. There is no answer and she leaves a message.
Kim in confessional: Before I meet with Rhonda I’m definitely going to try and reach Christie’s sister, and I’m kind of wondering if Christie’s ever planning on making these phone calls for my family, I’m not really sure yet.
Dr. Stan comes to the house for Kelly.
Dr. Stan in confessional: In the past, Kelly’s really been challenged by public displays of affection. I want to see how she’s feeling today about it.
Kelly reads all the hands she has written. One is “Sit on lap” and she relates this to her husband only. Kelly: My kids used to sit on my lap but now they are too big to do that anymore.
Kelly in confessional: In the 8th grade when the therapist told me I was seducing my father, as a 13 year old girl I did take it very hard, like it was a sexual comment, and it’s been haunting me all of my life.
Dr. Stan: What’s next? Kelly: Holding hands…which I keep for my husband. I think my kids don’t need it anymore. I would grab their hand to comfort them but not walking through the mall. Dr. Stan produces big photos of Kelly’s sons Michael and Ryan, and puts them next to her on the couch. Dr. Stan: When you look at them, and you think about how blocked you were when you first came to the house, what was the biggest block in terms of physical affection with the two of them? Kelly: That they thought I was being inappropriate.
Kelly in confessional: It’s painful for me to not have shown affection to my kids for so many years but I think the pain comes more from how it has affected them, in what this is going to do to their life and their fathering skills and their husband skills.
Dr. Stan: Is there anything on these hands that they would feel is inappropriate? Kelly: No.
Dr. Stan in confessional: It’s time for Kelly to move forward. Now I have an exercise that will help her see what she’s doing and how she needs to change.
Dr. Stan: So one of the things I want you to do today is go out to the mall. There will be two actors there and they are going to act out some of these affectionate moments. And you’re going to interview people to see what they thought about it when they saw it, and then come back later and talk to Rhonda. Kelly: I can’t wait.
Rhonda arrives and Kim lets her in. Kim goes off to find Christie.
Rhonda in confessional: Today I’m meeting with Christie and Kim to find out how they’re doing on their assignment of finding out about each others’ mothers. It’s a challenging assignment because they still have struggles with the ideal mother of their fantasies and the real live human being mom.
Rhonda to Kim and Kelly: Any new information? Kim: I tried calling her sister yesterday and today and I’ve tried this morning and can’t get a hold of her. Rhonda to Christie: And how about you? Christie: Umm…I wanted to talk a little about how I’m feeling about this part of the process. And I’m getting a little bit resistant and I don’t want you to take it personally, but I’m feeling a lot of pressure from you to do this, to make these calls, and you’re like ‘did you call this person, did you do this, da-da-da’ and I’m like, let me do this for you and trust me that I’m going to do it right…Rhonda: but why would she be that way? You’re missing something. You’re missing a vital piece. Christie: I don’t know but it’s making me… Rhonda: Yes, I understand it’s making you what… Christie: It’s making me not want to do it. Rhonda: Right, cause you’re taking it personally. Christie: Well maybe I am, but it’s bugging me.
Christie in confessional: Because Kim goes at everything at 110 mph, it doesn’t mean that I do. And because I don’t doesn’t mean that I don’t care, it just means that I do it differently.
Rhonda: It’s totally understandable that you feel a little pressured, but you also have to understand how she might be feeling. Kim: I don’t’ know what part of the exercise we’re going to stop this at and go on to the next one and I really , it is important to me, I really want to hear from my family’s perspective more about my mom before I actually talk to my mom. Rhonda: So you’ve been kind of afraid to get to know your mom, and you really want to get to know your mom! Christie: Right. Rhonda: Christie, to support Kim you might have to step it up a bit. Kim, to support Christie, you might have to back down a little bit. Christie: But just because I don’t do things the way she does them, doesn’t mean that they’re not right. Rhonda: Right, but do you understand… Rhonda: I understand exactly what she’s saying. Rhonda: Okay, and if you actually did understand it, if you actually got it, you’d have a lot more empathy and compassion for Kim right now, rather than being annoyed. Christie: You mean in the first place? Rhonda: Well, just period…annoyed. Christie: I am annoyed with you. Christie stares at Rhonda fiercely and Rhonda stares back, twists her mouth and huffily flicks a fly away from herself.
Rhonda: Let’s talk about what just happened. Christie: I’m feeling I’m being attacked, or it’s not fair, I don’t know. Rhonda: That I’m not treating you fairly or equal? Christie: Right. Rhonda: I don’t favor Kim and I don’t favor you, I favor the integrity of the work here at the SO house. This is an intimate relationship. You need each other for something really important. Kim: See, and I take it very seriously. If you asked us what we did between last night and this morning, and if I were to say nothing, I didn’t even try, to me it shows a lack of commitment and I want to try because it’s important … Rhonda: Now when you say that, how does Christie feel? Kim: She can feel defensive, like I’m saying that she doesn’t take it seriously. But I want to put it out there to you all that I do… Rhonda: We know that, what are you really saying? Kim: I was just afraid… Rhonda: I’m scared that I won’t get to know my mother. Kim: Yeah, I’m scared that I won’t get to know about my mother. Rhonda: Why don’t you tell Christie what you really feel? Kim: Yeah, I’m scared that maybe this opportunity will just float right past me and it could be something that could be amazing. My family might not tell it to me, but they just might tell it to you. Christie: I still care very much about you and I want you to get everything out of this that you possibly can and I want you top feel good about all the conversations I have with all of your family members. Kim: I did, thank you. Christie: You’re welcome.
Rhonda in confessional: I understand that Christie isn’t the only housemate having trouble getting along with Kim. But the truth is, none of the housemates really understand the significant damage Kim has endured by living in a house filled with abuse, day in and day out.
Rhonda: Alright, so is there anything left on the table for any annoyances, any frustrations, any upsets? Christie: Nope. Rhonda: So you have an assignment today together. I want you both to go to a scrap booking store. Christie: Oooohh… Kim: Wow! They both are smiling and look happy.
Christie in confessional: I’m trying to be excited about this assignment. I know it’s necessary for my growth and healing, but Kim’s annoying me.
Both of you are going to create a scrapbook about your moms. Christie: Wow. Kim: Cool, cool…
Kim in confessional: Scrap booking, gosh. Not really into that! I only have one photo of my mom here in the house and I really don’t even know where to start.
Rhonda: I’d love you to get the first page done before we meet again.
Jodi in confessional: I don’t think Kelly and I are going to move forward until she feels a little less defensive with everything that comes out of my mouth or anybody else’s mouth. So until she deals with some of those issues in the house, I’m not sure how it’s going to be with us.
Kim and Christie drive to the scrap booking store. They sit down and begin to make their scrapbook pages of their mothers.
Christie in confessional: I’m excited about creating a scrapbook, even though it’s about my mom, and I think it will give me an opportunity to see her even more as a woman. But it’s hard to team up with Kim … she has a lot of energy.
Kim chatters with the store owner about how she doesn’t really know her mom and this is her only picture and she wants it to be perfect. Kim is happy and smiling and Christie is looking down at the table, looking pained and slightly annoyed. It’s obvious that she is not happy being with Kim.
Christie in confessional: She wants everything to be perfect and she’s buzzing around the store, wanting this color change and this, do that…it’s not that important, Kim. Just try to represent your mom. It doesn’t have to be perfect.
Lisa is telling Kim about the disagreement between Jodi and Kelly. Kim: That’s how I feel with Jodi, like it irritates me, we have our issues too, but it comes across almost like my dad ordering me what to do and comes across as controlling. I still have my issues about I don’t matter, but I’m aware of it now. Lisa: And I think that’s how Kelly feels, Jodi doesn’t feel she’s dominating but I think in a way she is. Kim: Oh, definitely.
Christie calls Kim’s Aunt Sandy.
Christie in confessional: Kim is telling me that she has a long-standing grudge with her Aunt Sandy, although Sandy has said that she would like to be like Kim’s mom, Kim has never felt that she’s really stepped up and owned being her mother. Sandy: Kim doesn’t want her mother to one day realize when it’s too late, that she had a daughter that she didn’t know and my observation to her was that you seemed more concerned about your mother than yourself. You need to first focus on you and healing your wounds, and she was kind of in denial that she had any problems. Christie tells her that she can relate and in talking to her, it helps her too.
Kim and Christie discuss their phone calls in the kitchen and Christie tells her that even if they don’t get everything in to Rhonda, they can still make their calls later and there is value in getting that information even then, which Kim agrees to. Christie tells her what her aunt had to say.
Kelly on phone to husband Dave: Dave: How was your day? Kelly: Not good. What’s wrong? Nothing, I’m just fighting with a girl here. Dave: The same one? Kelly: Today I practically told her off. She pissed me off, you know? She just, was hurtful.
Jodi in confessional: It is definitely a 2-way street with Kelly and I. She doesn’t feel that I’m being sensitive to her and I don’t feel that she’s being sensitive to me. Kelly is making a much bigger deal of what happened with her cloud. I was just offering her a different perspective.
Rhonda looks at the scrap books and asks if anyone made any more phone calls. Christie told Rhonda about her phone call with Sandy, that Sandy said she doesn’t feel Kim’s mom knew how to parent but seemed like a good mom, always holding Kim when she saw her, Kim was dressed up nicely, and her mom seemed to love her baby. If she had the money and means, she would have kept Kim. Rhonda: So it wasn’t an either/or, she had to take care of herself before she could take care of Kim. Rhonda asks Kim how it feels to hear that. Kim says it’s what she’s heard all her life, basically. Rhonda asks Christie how it is for her to get all this information. Christie: It’s interesting how we all have our own legacy. Rhonda: You want to keep going, keep learning? Okay, so today Christie you’re going to be calling Kim’s mom, and Kim, you’re going to be calling Christie’s mom. I would like you to do it before 7:00 and have about 5 questions ready, but lets get really clear, when your talking to the source yourself, it’s going to be a little scary, that what you may want the answer to the most may not be the one where the answer is forthcoming. Kim is excited, Christie is nervous.
Kim in confessional: I can’t expect Christie to be where I’m at. Her relationship with her mother is very different and this is such a difficult assignment for her.
Christie: I’m not sure what to ask.
Kim in voiceover while on the phone: Christie is having some challenges getting a hold of my mom, so I’m just taking it upon myself to call my mom because this is a very important exercise for me to achieve my goal and graduate and I don’t want this to be an exercise where I don’t get the final results.
Kim gets her mom on the phone and calls out to Christie.
Christie in confessional: when Kim is given an assignment, she really needs to get right to it, and an example of Kim wanting to get things done right now is by calling her mom and actually handing me the phone, and that can rub me the wrong way.
Christie talks to Kim’s mom. Christie: Kim was wondering why you married her dad. Were you in love with him? K’s mom: Well, we had been friends and I thought, you know I loved him as a friend and my grandmother had lost her money and she was having to sell her house and I panicked, I thought what in the world am I going to do, and it wasn’t that I didn’t love him, but I didn’t love him in the way a man and woman should love each other. Christie: Right, it was more maybe security? K’s mom: Exactly. I was scared; I thought what am I going to do? My mother and grandmother never worked. My grandfather had had a great deal of money and eventually it was gone.
Kim is chattering away with Lisa and Kelly and Rhonda comes in to say they have an appointment. Christie is on the phone still with Kim’s mom.
Rhonda asks Kim to check and see if they can stop or how they’re doing. Kim comes back to say it might be another five minutes, is that too long, do you want me to stop them? Rhonda: What do you want, Kim? Kim: I want her to get it all. Rhonda: Then is 5 minutes too long to wait? Kim: Heck no, been waiting 28, 38 years.
Kim in confessional: The most important question that I’ve been waiting my entire life to hear from my mother is why my mother left me with my abusive father and never came back to get me.
Christie: So what happened after the divorce? You divorced him and then I know you had Kim with you for awhile, right? K’s mom: Right, we had lived in an apartment and then I met my 2nd husband Joe, at that time I think Mac was married to his 2nd wife. Anyway, I asked him to take care of Kim while things kind of settled down with Joe and I, and then after that he wouldn’t give her back. Christie: So really no one had custody of her. K’s mom: Right. Christie: He had physical custody of her. And did you ever think of going to court to get her back?
Rhonda: How are you feeling knowing that Christie is talking to your mother right now? Kim says she is excited, not at all nervous, and she doesn’t care what she hears. It may give her better insight. Kim: I don’t remember ever asking her why she dropped me off, I mean, I don’t know. So it’s just like the unknown and maybe I’ll have some answers.
Christie: Well thank you very much. K’s mom: And I’ll talk to you later. Christie: And Kim will call you later too. (We do not get the answer to Christie’s question about her mom going to court.)
Kelly is in the kitchen with Jodi, Jill and Lisa. Kelly is asking them if her putting squiggly lines around her cloud, was it judgment or feedback? Jodi: That was probably a little more judgmental than feedback. I said depressed is not a happy word. Kelly: So where I’m coming from now is, don’t put squiggly lines on your picture, I guess. Jodi: Well, I didn’t mean that. Kelly: But do you know what I’m saying? Jodi: If you took that as a judgment, then I apologize.
Kelly in confessional: I think Jodi judges absolutely everything about me. She sees me as some cowpoke hick from the sticks.
Jodi: But I just find it ironic that the other day I let her completely give me feedback but I can’t have the same. Kelly: I didn’t ask for it, that’s why. Jodi: Neither did I. Kelly: You certainly did too. Jodi: That’s right, I did.
Kelly in confessional: I’m smokin’, I’m steaming right now. I have smoke coming out of my ears.
Jodi: You can’t tell me … Kelly: Yes I can! YES I CAN! (Clapping to each word.) Otherwise, get away from me. Jill: You have to understand how you receiving it like a joke is making us feel. Kelly: Alright, alright (frustrated). Jodi: I understand that. Kelly: Oh, you have to get it from the Almighty? (Referring to Jill) Bull****, I don’t need this! She leaves the kitchen in a huff.
Kelly in confessional: I can kick your ass with my mouth alone, so let’s go!
Jodi to Jill and Lisa: I just feel like I can’t win.
Next week on Starting Over:
Tension in the house explodes. Kelly: I am here to get help for myself so I can function with my family. I don’t’ know how I’m going to do it here.
Kim has a falling out with her roommates. Lisa: Can you listen to me for a minute? Can you listen to me for a minute? It always seems like it’s always about you. You never think about everybody else’s feelings. Kim: I’m feeling attacked.
Christie can’t hold it together. I’m f***ing tired of it. I’m frustrated. Kim has really pushed every single button that I have today.
Jill receives an unexpected message. Jill: I wake up this morning, I open up my email and there it is, a letter from my father. She isn’t sure what to do next. Dr. Stan: What emotion do you think would be most likely to come out? Jill: Anger.
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