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Hello to all STO MEMBERS... I'm a 44 yr old wmn in recovery from drugs & alcohol. I have 2 yrs clean & have acomplished SOOOOOOO much in the 2 years - I think sometimes I must be crazy to not be - a- happier -b- prouder of my self & c- more sure of who I am & where I'm going.
In the past 10 years one by one I have quit drugging(coke 10 ys pills-5ys, dope-4ys)quit drinking 6ys - the hardest was to stop smoking pot but it's been abt 2 ys(4/17)
then I went to coaching school for 2 ys & was () far from graduating
I felt like I wasnt legit so I decided to go to collage & get a degree to inprove the confidance I was lacking so I
In the 2 yrs I have:
gotten my GED
enrolled in collage as a human svc major, in my 1st semester back to school in 25ys I mabe the deans list w/a 3.64 GPA WITH A FULL 5 CLASSLOAD.
got a sponsor worked my steps,
switched to a drug&alcohol counsouler assoc degree, I have stayed w/ or above my 3.5 + GPA
I'm an A/B student, well liked, outgoing & so on.
I'm happily married for 17 years, have 4 kids all grown 1 left at home my 17yr old son who is a challange but that's par for the course ya kno?
But I feel like ya so your fat(195 @ 5ft5) lazy( I hate working out ) and while I'm well liked at school & meeting -I dn't seem to make any real or meaningful connections with anyone in a friend type relationship& whenever I make one I always end up feeling like I'm there for them ,then when I need someone to talk to or whatever, I always feel they are too busy or whatever to be there for me.. even just to vent yet Im always there for the people in my life.
Here's the thing- I just feel like ya so? Most days I get up & get going & say to myself - ahh.. I feel depressed today...
I'also aware (thru schooling) that when you do drugs you use up the natural chemical in your brain-Dopamine- awhile after you stop using drugs, it should replenish - it doesnt always -& sometimes never.
it depends how much how long & what u used & so on..
so I kid myself smile & say ahh your just low on dopamine today and carry on. It gives me a little smile & picks up my spirit for a moment but not much & not long-it's an everyday thing.
Am I just a misrable person or what the hell is wrong w/ me??
my hubby, kids & family love me,
I just can't seem to feel happy or proud or excited about my whole new future opening up b 4 me...
I'm sorry to go on & on but seriously - what the hell is wrong w/me ?
Am I an ingrate, selfish, I can't figure it out.
I was hoping maybe someone here might have some sort of an insight..
Sorry so long I kinda just needed to dump that. I been feeling like I must be nuts... any input/suggestions welcome-
thankx for listening,
CC
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