Starting Over Talk - Peer Coaching Support Site

Hello to all STO MEMBERS... I'm a 44 yr old wmn in recovery from drugs & alcohol. I have 2 yrs clean & have acomplished SOOOOOOO much in the 2 years - I think sometimes I must be crazy to not be - a- happier -b- prouder of my self & c- more sure of who I am & where I'm going.
In the past 10 years one by one I have quit drugging(coke 10 ys pills-5ys, dope-4ys)quit drinking 6ys - the hardest was to stop smoking pot but it's been abt 2 ys(4/17)
then I went to coaching school for 2 ys & was () far from graduating
I felt like I wasnt legit so I decided to go to collage & get a degree to inprove the confidance I was lacking so I
In the 2 yrs I have:
gotten my GED
enrolled in collage as a human svc major, in my 1st semester back to school in 25ys I mabe the deans list w/a 3.64 GPA WITH A FULL 5 CLASSLOAD.
got a sponsor worked my steps,
switched to a drug&alcohol counsouler assoc degree, I have stayed w/ or above my 3.5 + GPA
I'm an A/B student, well liked, outgoing & so on.
I'm happily married for 17 years, have 4 kids all grown 1 left at home my 17yr old son who is a challange but that's par for the course ya kno?
But I feel like ya so your fat(195 @ 5ft5) lazy( I hate working out ) and while I'm well liked at school & meeting -I dn't seem to make any real or meaningful connections with anyone in a friend type relationship& whenever I make one I always end up feeling like I'm there for them ,then when I need someone to talk to or whatever, I always feel they are too busy or whatever to be there for me.. even just to vent yet Im always there for the people in my life.

Here's the thing- I just feel like ya so? Most days I get up & get going & say to myself - ahh.. I feel depressed today...
I'also aware (thru schooling) that when you do drugs you use up the natural chemical in your brain-Dopamine- awhile after you stop using drugs, it should replenish - it doesnt always -& sometimes never.
it depends how much how long & what u used & so on..
so I kid myself smile & say ahh your just low on dopamine today and carry on. It gives me a little smile & picks up my spirit for a moment but not much & not long-it's an everyday thing.
Am I just a misrable person or what the hell is wrong w/ me??
my hubby, kids & family love me,
I just can't seem to feel happy or proud or excited about my whole new future opening up b 4 me...
I'm sorry to go on & on but seriously - what the hell is wrong w/me ?
Am I an ingrate, selfish, I can't figure it out.
I was hoping maybe someone here might have some sort of an insight..
Sorry so long I kinda just needed to dump that. I been feeling like I must be nuts... any input/suggestions welcome-
thankx for listening,
CC

Dear Ms. Carpenter:

Hello! I hope that youre in a better mood.. My name is mj, im middle age too, Im a bit fat but im doing something about it, well not that much. but im kinda short, i barely reached 5ft.but Im ok at being pint sized.

I'm really not good at giving people advices,and im not sure if they take them.. but I have to say that I admire you for being open, it's not easy admitting your situation.

Somehow, theres a huge deal of hope in you, thats just temporary, and everybody gets the blues, but some people magnify there inadequacies and the get stuck in a rut a whole lot more. Or they view life as a to do list, It doesn't happen that way as we both know.

In a way im happy for you that you choose to stay away from drugs, it would just numb you, Please focus on the greater things in your life, YOU ARE SMART! ( sad to say some at your age they start to forget things, some are terminally ill,.. I lost my batch mate, she was 28 when she died of breast cancer, she never met the love of her life or had a family.) YOU HAVE A FAMILY WHO ADORES YOU!.. and the list goes on and on.

I pray that you would have the strength to go on. You have so much . Please take care of yourself. Meaningful relationships would come, but for now please continue to work on yourself.

Kind regards:

mj..

Hi CC--

Oh what great accomplishments. I am impressed. Life can be hard and you have raised yourself up so well. There will always be some lows, yep, even regular happy ordinary people have them. Sometimes you just have to take one day at a time.

I certainly don't have all the answers. If I did, I would be a happier person. I can tell you some things that have enlightened my life and maybe that could be of interest to you.

I have been depressed most of my life. My mother died a few years ago and I just couldn't stop crying about her death. After more than a year, I decided to join a grief recovery group in my area. (they have them everywhere). I learned a lot about myself. I learned that most people do not deal well with grief and that many of us have unresolved grief from our past. People don't just grieve the loss of people. People grieve when they lose pets, lose parts of their bodies, lose jobs, lose their positions in life, get divorced, when they lose their identities, when their children leave home and when their lives change, life when they quit drinking or doing drugs. You may have some grief issues that you aren't even aware of. The grief recovery group was a good experience for me. They are very supportive and they can teach you ways to look into your life so that you can resolve issues that might be holding you down. It's just a thought. You might want to check something like that out.

You seem to be doing so well, hang in there. I believe that you can make your life better and better, one day at a time. Keep it up, you're worth it. After all, look at what you have accomplished so far! Amazing!

Now, if I could just quit this smoking thing...... ugh.

Hey MJ,
Thankx for the reply & the words of cheer. LOL your funny re: Im fat but doing somehing -well not that much gave me a smile-thankx.
Ya know it's really not even so much of a mood it just seems to feel like my general outlook on a daily basis from like 9am to like 4pm or so - maybe it's a time thing.. maybe I just need the sun to come back so I can open the windows and go for a walk . whatever .. I do not wish to dwel on the negative, and I'm certinly not looking for a pity party, I just cannot help but wonder if others go thru these seemingly loooong term I guess it would be a minor level depreession. PERHAPS i SHOULD SEE SOMEONE - B4 i GOT CLEAN i WAS ON A BUNCH OF MEDS BUT i REMEMBER TAKING zOLOFT (OOOPS SORRY CAPS) Zoloft and feeling a bit more centered. perhaps I shall try this again. Their is just such a stigma attached to being on meds when your in the program- at least this has beeen my experience. I guess tho I didnt get wgere I am by giving a damn what others thought,
okok Ill bite what is a batch mate??
again thankx mj and have a great day hun,
cc

Ya Im w/ you on the smoking thing - Gosh so many addictions, smoking shopping, QVC,HSN from 1 evil to the next ..lol
Thankx for your reply, and honestly I'm not looking to brag I just wanted to give the compleate pic ya kno? YOUR ARE RIGHT ABOUT THE GREIF, i'M SURE THEIRS SOME OF THAT ROLLED UP IN THIS AS WELL, (sorry caps ,i have a habit of doing that ) but ya, I am aware of the greif of loss of ones DOC(drug of choice) and I have lost a pet (like 2ys ago right as I was gettin clean)
I think too their just may be some .. how do I put it.. like I dont miss the drugs & drinking but I miss the going out dacing and for footbal and just the social aspects of the life that goes with. I realize their are still events that are sober events but they somehow either make me feel like using or are compleatly boring. I cannot seem to find a middle ground
Plus being in my 40's I have no contact w/ those I thought were my friends as they have either moved, or are still using.... but ya thankx for the reply as I respond to you & mj I'm finding a pattern in my whining that is giving me a better perspective on not only the problem but a couple of possiable soultions as well so THANKX AGAIN
have a great day take care
cc

Hey CC ----

Nice to see you came back. You know, the latest thing I heard which I keep thinking about is this: "If you want to change your life, change the way you think." Which in some ways is what you accomplish by going into grief counseling. Most of what we fear or are unhappy about is not actually caused by those things but by how we feel about those thing. I haven't come up with an easy explanation for it, but lets say I'm afraid of snakes and I live in fear of every coming across a snake. Well, its not the snake who is making me fearful, its how I feel about it that is causing me stress and misery. So, if we can reach inside ourselves and just change the way we think, we can completely change our lives. Stress seems to be a big hindrance to our well being.

The hard part is looking into one's self and figuring out how one can change one's thinking. Sometimes just figuring what's the worst that could happen, then realizing that the worst isn't that big a deal can be enough to get one to stop worrying about it. There are no rule books on how to do everything right! Nobody is perfect ........ NOBODY. So, my husband and I frequently remind each other that nobody is perfect and that's usually enough to get us to both to relax and calm down about turmoil.

Another great stress reliever is a hot tub.

I've heard yoga is great too, for a low impact feel better solution to every day woes and stress.

But for me, laughter is the best. When my 3rd husband and I were standing outside the little wedding chapel in Reno about to get married. I looked at him and said, "OK, now here's your last chance to tell me all the things I need to know about you that I don't want to find out after we are married." And we talked a little about that. --- Well years later now, when something comes up that I didn't know about before (like that he slept with his ex-wife's sister while they were married) --- I look at him and say, "you know honey, remember when we were standing outside the wedding chapel.... well, I think this is one of those things you should have told me then." --- and for some reason we both laugh and laugh. ---- Now if I was in my twenties or thirties it might have bothered me more, but in my 50's it doesn't seem all that important that he slept with her, cause he's a different person now and I know him so well. And I know more about the situation which was somewhat understandable. So, you see, I guess I have changed the way I think about some things just by getting older and putting them into a different perspective.

Soft Myst