Starting Over Talk - Peer Coaching Support Site

I'm sitting here only half awake.

Yesterday was the "memorial service" for my best friend Bill. We've been close friends for the last 29 years.

He apparently died in his sleep from a heart attack. Intellectually, I know he was most likely only in brief pain, if any. My heart aches because he laid alone, undiscovered for five days.

A force in the universe was at work because he and I did not expect to be communicating during that time. My daughter was in Children's Hospital, and we were not home.

I cannot explain the calls from the police and coroner's office the night they called to inform me of his death. I was his emergency contact.

He was estranged from his biological family for about 45 years. His mother and sister are still alive, but not in this area. These last few weeks of attempting to preserve his dignity in the face of.......I don't know how to characterize it.....their indifference, veiled hostility and greed has been almost excrutiating.

I'm so exhausted, I can't seem to mourn him properly, whatever that is. I am so grateful for his life and so alone in his death.

Sorry if I'm rambling. I just had to reach out for some advise. Thanks

I am so sorry to hear of your loss and your pain. I haven't had anything like that happen to me, so I don't know what advice I could offer. Do you have a priest, minister, or someone who has experience with grief counseling to help you? THat might be a good place to start. Please take care of yourself, I'm sure your friend would have wanted that.

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I wish I had the answers for you. I don't. I know what it's like to have your son die, a grandpa die, and even a friend. It sounds like you were close to him. A part of him will always be with you. I agree with Debby, that you might like to talk to someone that can help you handle the grief. There are some wonderful books out there about grief and the stages of grief. My prayers and positive thoughts go to you and your family. Hang in there.

First off, there is no "proper way" to mourn. We all mourn differently. Some cry for days or maybe even longer. Some people don't want to talk about it and just put it away so as not to feel the pain. Some will face it with humor in order to keep the true pain from sinking in. And some will want to honor someone by writing about them, making a memorial or talking about them alot so they don't feel so far away. That is just a small offering of ways. So don't feel guilty because you aren't mourning properly. That is not possible. I think when someone dies, the best thing you can do is to do what YOU believe your friend would want. Honor his memory in your own way.
Don't feel guilt because you were not available when he passed. You were doing what you had to do at the time. You were taking care of your child. Something his own family was not doing for him. No regrets. I am assuming you did not think he was sick or at the least had no idea he was going to pass away. I bet when he was alive, he was so grateful to have you in his life. You sound like a good friend. As far as his family is concerned, did he have a will? Does he have an estate, big or small? Who is the legal guardian of it? If it is you, then do what he would want and the hell with his family. If he didn't have a will, then just walk away, I am sure they won't even consider letting you share in it. So why ruin good memories of a dear friend with the ugliness of the greed of his family. Good luck to you. I just buried a close friend of mine this week. I miss her terribly and I was very lucky to have such a wonderful friend.

This happened to me just over 5 years ago.........I still don't talk about it much.......but my hubby and kids and I miss him terribly every day. I don't have any wise words, because I don't think it's something you ever "get over"..........ever. But I can just offer cyber hugs and let you know you're not alone!!

I am so sorry to hear of your loss and your pain.

Last year I was faced with the pain and fear of loss of someone I love... no words to describe the deep pain I felt then... today I've come to realize it's part of life... even though I don't like it.

I've really learned to be grateful for what I do have today... every day.