Starting Over Talk - Peer Coaching Support Site

Sorry this is so long. Believe it or not, I left many things out.

Around 1999 I developed friendships with a circle of ladies. The lead lady was a person I had known since 1990. She was the common denominator in the group, but, I grew close to some of the other ladies as the years went by, particularly 2 of the other ladies.

All of the ladies were married with children, some little and others adults, but, they LOVED to socialize in a big way and expecially flirt with men. We met for lunch at one of our favorite hangouts every Friday and usually met after work for cocktails and dinner on Friday evening and would then go out dancing until very late. We went on beach trips, parties, you name it. They were a lively group and we did have a lot of fun.

The down side was that I always felt uncomfortable with these women acting as if they were single. If there husbands could have seen they way they behaved, it would have killed them. They were more agressive with men than I was and I was the only single gal in the group! Anyway, the lead girlfriend did divorce her husband and has started a new life with her boyfriend. She left the circle of friends about 2 years ago. I was fine with that and the rest of us hung in there. They talked about her like a dog because she left the group.

About a year ago the circle stopped doing as much together. We drifted apart and I think some of it was intentional on my part. It wasn't one thing but, many that caused me to want to end the friendships with that certain cirlce.

It has been about a year since I have spoken to any of them. I'm not angry, I just want to keep it as it is. The last 2 weeks I have had recurring dreams about this certain friend, I'll call her Betty. I have a certain gift of synchronicity that has proven out over the years. Well, last night she leaves me a voice message. She wanted to know what happened...that we were as close as sisters and now don't communicate. Her tone was very sarcastic and she ended by saying that if I didn't call her back then she would know what kind of person I was. I was actually angered by the message. It wasn't sincere and I don't feel I owe her any explanation. Do I?

I might add these are some of the reasons I would like to keep the friendship in the past:
Friends were very controlling and bossy. Would not accept no for and answer.
Friends let me down in my time of need after my surgery and didn't show up when scheduled on 2 occassions and when confronted, thought it was no big deal.
Friends very clingy and always late. No respect for others time.
At least one of the friends talks about the other friends terribly behind their backs. I figure she does the same about me.
Friends constantly complain about how miserable their marriage is and how much they can't stand this or that all the time, yet they refuse to do anything about it.

I could call and try to explain myself, but, I know this person and she would pick everything apart and try to defend each issue, promise to do better and I don't want to think about that history anymore. Should I send a note or card that says something or should I ignore the message? I'm just not sure. Any ideas.

I am not known as a mean or cold person and don't want to start now, but, I just feel like I have a right to be left alone.<br><br>Post edited by: Debby, at: 2007/04/05 12:42

Hi Debby,
I am not an expert on what to do, but I do have some suggestions as to what might work.
If you are wanting to respond to this old &quot;friend&quot;, the first thing I would do would be to let go of, or put aside any of the anger I was feeling towards this &quot;friend&quot; and/ or group. You sound like a very reasonable person who doesn't want to be mean or petty about the separation of this group, but were taken aback by the aggression you heard in her message. I understand you feeling angry about hearing what you did, I would too! But I have learned that trying to deal with things when you are angry only makes the situation worse.
Also, dealing with this in anger would be putting yourself on a lower level than you sound like you are normally, and I think it might make you feel worse about yourself in the end.
If I did choose to respond to her, it would be to let her know that although you had a great time with them when you did, you have moved on to other interests which consume your time. I would make sure to be true to myself, no matter what I needed to say, and not to go to pointing fingers, which will just cause more hurt feelings in the end. I am not sure if you feel you need to say anything about the future, but if you do I think it would be best to say that while you had fun, you just don't wnat to party in the same way you used to. I doubt that she would understand your insight as to the group growing apart...I wouldn't go there...that road will only lead to opening old wounds....no one needs that!!

Hope this helps,

Lydia
AKA Needle Nurse

Thanks for those words Lydia. I have always been a person slow to anger and hope to keep it that way. I first was going to send a card, but then decided to wait because I think this person would want to pick the words in the card apart and either continue to call me to explain or start mailing me things in an attempt to continue the communicaton. So, I have done nothing. Some day I may. I just don't know, however, I feel at peace and don't feel any ill will or guilt, so it must be the right thing to do.

This may seem to be too simple of an idea but since you have already broken ties with this person and the group I think you should stay away from her .You were going on your instincts to break from the situation. That is usually the right answer.To feel that upset and uncomfortable is not a good thing for you. It is too distracting to you living your life the way you want to live it.Real friends don't do the things your describe this group of people were doing to you .Keep looking for people who respect you and what you say. This is just my opinion from experience I have had with a similar type of person.

Hi Debby -- I see this is an old issue. I liked the advice that Needle Nurse gave if you were going to respond. It reminds me that we should try to be responsive and not so reactive to people when we do respond to them. Sometimes we all need to let go of the anger, frustrations and such ... responding in just a normal way is often the best in the end.

Since you are the only one who knows the whole situation, then it's only right that you should make the final decision as to what to do. --And I see that you have chosen not to respond. In many ways, this may be the best way to deal with that.

Life is just too short to stress about these things. Surely she will make her own opinion about you and why you didn't respond. &quot;Out of sight, out of mind&quot; -can be a good thing.

Your situation reminded me of some of those things my Grandmother would say. Like, &quot;time heals all wounds.&quot; The more time passes, the less it will bother you. And, &quot;If you don't have anything good to say, don't say anything at all.&quot;

I imagine that by now you have let it go and moved on to happier things. If not, then perhaps it's time you did. &quot;Don't worry, be happy.&quot; Peace.