Starting Over Talk - Peer Coaching Support Site

I tried to edit Delimma to Dilemma in the box above but wasn't able to. Ooopps.

Sorry this is so long. Believe it or not, I left many things out.

Around 1999 I developed friendships with a circle of ladies. The lead lady was a person I had known since 1990. She was the common denominator in the group, but, I grew close to some of the other ladies as the years went by, particularly 2 of the other ladies.

All of the ladies were married with children, some little and others adults, but, they LOVED to socialize in a big way and expecially flirt with men. We met for lunch at one of our favorite hangouts every Friday and usually met after work for cocktails and dinner on Friday evening and would then go out dancing until very late. We went on beach trips, parties, you name it. They were a lively group and we did have a lot of fun.

The down side was that I always felt uncomfortable with these women acting as if they were single. If there husbands could have seen they way they behaved, it would have killed them. They were more agressive with men than I was and I was the only single gal in the group! Anyway, the lead girlfriend did divorce her husband and has started a new life with her boyfriend. She left the circle of friends about 2 years ago. I was fine with that and the rest of us hung in there. They talked about her like a dog because she left the group.

About a year ago the circle stopped doing as much together. We drifted apart and I think some of it was intentional on my part. It wasn't one thing but, many that caused me to want to end the friendships with that certain cirlce.

It has been about a year since I have spoken to any of them. I'm not angry, I just want to keep it as it is. The last 2 weeks I have had recurring dreams about this certain friend, I'll call her Betty. I have a certain gift of synchronicity that has proven out over the years. Well, last night she leaves me a voice message. She wanted to know what happened...that we were as close as sisters and now don't communicate. Her tone was very sarcastic and she ended by saying that if I didn't call her back then she would know what kind of person I was. I was actually angered by the message. It wasn't sincere and I don't feel I owe her any explanation. Do I?

I might add these are some of the reasons I would like to keep the friendship in the past:
Friends were very controlling and bossy. Would not accept no for and answer.
Friends let me down in my time of need after my surgery and didn't show up when scheduled on 2 occassions and when confronted, thought it was no big deal.
Friends very clingy and always late. No respect for others time.
At least one of the friends talks about the other friends terribly behind their backs. I figure she does the same about me.
Friends constantly complain about how miserable their marriage is and how much they can't stand this or that all the time, yet they refuse to do anything about it.

I could call and try to explain myself, but, I know this person and she would pick everything apart and try to defend each issue, promise to do better and I don't want to think about that history anymore. Should I send a note or card that says something or should I ignore the message? I'm just not sure. Any ideas.

I am not known as a mean or cold person and don't want to start now, but, I just feel like I have a right to be left alone.<br><br>Post edited by: Debby, at: 2007/04/05 12:45

Debby,

I can certainly understand your dilemma. I think many of us at one time or another let go of friendships for one reason or another.. that more have to do with our self preservation!

Don't let this woman guilt you into picking up a friendship. If you feel like you must call or send a note.. Let her know that the whole group has drifted apart.. Stuff like that happens all the time..

Maybe she is feeling particularly vulnerable and alone and assumes that you represent the group as a whole. Maybe her new relationship didn't work out or she regrets her divorce or choices she's made. She's the one that has to live with them..

But definitely don't do anything if guilt is the motivating factor. If you want to put the friendship to rest permanently, you don't want to lead her on. I think the best thing you could do, is say that everyone has moved on, and that you have moved on too and have different interests in your life. You don't have much in common other than some former friends.

Maybe she's single again and wants a party buddy..

Good Luck Debby!

Thanks KPW. What you say makes sense. I know who and what I am and someone trying to bully me into doing something is representative of one of the reasons I left the circle....controlling and won't take no for an answer. I'm going to sleep on it and see how I feel tomorrow.

Oh Debby......my heart goes out to you!! I've been there too......well, not in the exact circumstances, but similar!!

I also think that it's just time to let it go and that it doesn't do to give in to any guilt or inclination to defend yourself. You know who you are (which is a pretty darn great gal, you know!!!!) and, as you say, the gal is going to pick apart and twist anything you say anyway.

The biggest thing that helps me thru these very painful times is that quote of Iyanla's.........

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime!!!

Oh that's a great quote to use Grizz... I vote for that one Debby!

Debby... Trust yourself... your instincts sound right. You got great input from the ladies of SOT... do what you need to do... guilt free... LOL.