Starting Over Talk - Peer Coaching Support Site

I hope I didn't offend anybody who likes Allison by my assessment of her. I felt/feel for her in season 1, and I still feel for her cancer struggle. What I don't feel for is her obvious need to make everything around her ABOUT her.

I don't want to take away from what she has been through, and I would never wish anything bad on her, but I don't feel she is a sincere person...but that's just me. It's something in my gut that tells me I could never be friends with her and I would have a hard time believing her story. I honestly do like nice people, if I feel they are sincere.


Yes Dallas I can believe how she acted about her birthday. It seems, especially this season (3), that it all has to be about her.

I'll be the first to admit I was really annoyed with Allison this past season. I was rooting for her on SO2 but I have dealt with people that felt sorry for themselves. Yes she had a hard life, she got dealt things that is difficult to bear... but what annoyed me was the fact she fought soooo hard to keep the martyrdom and fought so hard to keep the self-pity in the forefront. I thought it was sad that she felt sorry for herself because everyone didn't stop what they were doing to listen to her about her trip back home and her birthday.... Instead of waiting for others to slow down from thier assignments (like at dinner or group) to share her experience and instead of enjoying her birthday as best as she could she let it 'ruin' all her day... and when she was called on these things she would not drop it... she would not think of it any other way, even when the other housemates did what they could to 'salvage her day' ... that is what annoyed me with her ... she could not let herself let go.

I also admit I was completely disappointed at her spending habits and have yet to hear anyone that donated to her say that she offered an apology.

I wish her the best and hope that she sees where her blessings are instead of only seeing her lack of them.... We will always see millions of blessings we lack if we look for them but that kind of looking will only blind you to the blessings that are there.

I think with Allison it is the legacy of her childhood that has taught her a whole collection of defective skillsets that end up doing exactly the opposite of what she is seeking. By that, I mean that, as the child of an alcoholic abusive parent, she didn't get the kind of healthy attention and affection from her parents that children deserve to have unconditionally. These children often develop a *hole* in their emotional buckets. Consequently, they keep trying to fill it through attention-seeking behavior, primarily through people-pleasing behavior, including self-sacrifice. All this accomplishes, unfortunately, is to leave them still empty, and highlights to them that they aren't valuable enough to be *made* happy.

It is also not unusual to see passive-aggressive behavior in abused children and *martyrdom,* because they were not afforded an opportunity to learn to be assertive to get their needs met and feel protected. Other neglected children become over-achievers, trying to prove their worthiness to be loved. A well-raised adult feels loved unconditionally *and* experiences expectations that they have to learn skills to enable them to become strong adults. Along the way, they will internalize whatever sense of self and self-love that they experienced as children. For those who did not get that from parents, they will have to develop that on their own, which is extremely difficult, but achievable.

Don't be too hard on Alison. It's not easy to unlearn these kinds of things. Iyanla is on point with calling her fake, in order to try to show her what she is doing wrong. She needs to value herself and speak her feelings and ask for what she genuinely wants, rather than to disguise and bury them under *things* that she does, hoping that people will love her for doing them, rather than who she is.

Try to set aside what she is actually doing for a moment, and try to recognize the real person inside of her, with real feelings that she is trying to learn how to express, and what Iyanla is trying to teach her through the lesson. Try to set aside the image of the whiny, manipulative adult woman for a minute and see who is really there. That is a confused and frightened little girl in a big woman's body, who is trying to learn to love herself unconditionally and to reach out to others appropriately. For the moment, she is stuck back in her childhood at the point that she never really progressed, and she is saying, "I hurt. Love me. Show me that I am lovable." If she can only find her way to see that she is lovable and love herself, she will be able to fix the hole in that bucket and find the peace that she needs.

With kindest regards, Donna E.

teklawgirl wrote:

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I think with Allison it is the legacy of her childhood that has taught her a whole collection of defective skillsets that end up doing exactly the opposite of what she is seeking. By that, I mean that, as the child of an alcoholic abusive parent, she didn't get the kind of healthy attention and affection from her parents that children deserve to have unconditionally. These children often develop a *hole* in their emotional buckets. Consequently, they keep trying to fill it through attention-seeking behavior, primarily through people-pleasing behavior, including self-sacrifice. All this accomplishes, unfortunately, is to leave them still empty, and highlights to them that they aren't valuable enough to be *made* happy.

It is also not unusual to see passive-aggressive behavior in abused children and *martyrdom,* because they were not afforded an opportunity to learn to be assertive to get their needs met and feel protected. Other neglected children become over-achievers, trying to prove their worthiness to be loved. A well-raised adult feels loved unconditionally *and* experiences expectations that they have to learn skills to enable them to become strong adults. Along the way, they will internalize whatever sense of self and self-love that they experienced as children. For those who did not get that from parents, they will have to develop that on their own, which is extremely difficult, but achievable.

Don't be too hard on Alison. It's not easy to unlearn these kinds of things. Iyanla is on point with calling her fake, in order to try to show her what she is doing wrong. She needs to value herself and speak her feelings and ask for what she genuinely wants, rather than to disguise and bury them under *things* that she does, hoping that people will love her for doing them, rather than who she is.

Try to set aside what she is actually doing for a moment, and try to recognize the real person inside of her, with real feelings that she is trying to learn how to express, and what Iyanla is trying to teach her through the lesson. Try to set aside the image of the whiny, manipulative adult woman for a minute and see who is really there. That is a confused and frightened little girl in a big woman's body, who is trying to learn to love herself unconditionally and to reach out to others appropriately. For the moment, she is stuck back in her childhood at the point that she never really progressed, and she is saying, "I hurt. Love me. Show me that I am lovable." If she can only find her way to see that she is lovable and love herself, she will be able to fix the hole in that bucket and find the peace that she needs.

With kindest regards, Donna E.

Great Post Donna!

I think you are on target!

Donna E, I enjoyed your post about Allison. I believe your comments apply to most people, not just Allison. I wonder if you may be a mental health care professional...judging from your post or just a kind person who sees the pain Allison lived through.
While I have the utmost empathy for Allison and have been an avid supporter of hers on this board, I wonder if you think there are any people out there in this world who have been spared damage of some sort from their parents? No one is perfect, so you end up with imperfect parents. You have parents who are abusive, overly protective, emotionally unavailable, overly demanding, overly critical, overly indulgent, mean, hateful, or not present at all.

Aren't we all a product of our upbringing?

dallas80 wrote:

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sweepingmari wrote:

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tudin_girl wrote:

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I thought during Allison's two stays in the house that she was a fake and had the martyr thing mastered. I still feel that way, and I'm not a hater....I just don't buy her "look at me I'm so broken and I have to fix everything for everyone else and then I have no time for myself" routine. :)

i do not like her and i do not trust her.

I agree with both of you.
Can you believe the way she behaved about her birthday?
I would never expect non-family people to "make my day special".
What a manipulative crock. Even telling Iyanla that she was mad that her birthday was ruined. I laughed when Iyanla told her to tell it to her housemates.
Just another demonstration of how childish Allison is.

If allison wanted a big deal made of her birthday, she should've delayed her return to the SOH until afterwards. Maybe, by then, she would've recuperated well enough from her latest surgerie to have participated more fully in the more strenuous group activities. Instead of arriving with her incisions still draining. And, battling an infection.