I am feeling like an open wound. I am confused and try to tell myself, things are going to feel that way for awhile.
A few days ago, my mother and I had a crazy discussion that led to her giving me the only thing I have ever wanted from her.
It started out as a regular talk, but when it started to turn into an argument, I was able to diffuse it, by being unafraid. I just talked her down with rationality when she started getting ridiculous. She seemed to get the picture and softened, explaining she was going through a bit of "separation anxiety", since she was going to be moving soon. (She's been renting a room out of my house for eleven years)
I started to cry of course and she came and sat next to me, wrapped her arms around me and hugged me. I started sobbing so hard trying to explain how I didn't want to disrespect her and just wanted to love her unconditionally. "But I'm still so mad.....about what happened......"
I told her how confusing it was that she let me go, back when I was 5 and said she didn't want me back until I was 12. Why did she let me go?
I shook violently as her words filtered in. "I don't know.....I don't know why...." she sounded amazed herself.
I went on asking about my Dad and why she constantly put me off when I told her what he was doing. Why she didn't care enough - why? why? why? Again, "I don't know....I'm just oblivious." She sounded incredulous, so I got that these were concepts she had NEVER given a sinlge thought to.
She tried to argue, after a moment of the reality setting in. "But wait a minute, you told me, right here on this couch - not too long ago - that he never touced you, just your friends-"
"No, mom, he never touched me-" I cut her off "But does that matter? Everything he did is still considered molesting - I looked into it."
"Yes -but---
""Be careful mom-" I warned, stiffening in her arms. "Be very careful with what your saying."
There was silence. Then in a helpless voice, "But I don't know why I can't remember you telling me..."
"Don't you want to find out?"
She kept her arms around me and looked out the window. "I don't know....." she said honestly. But then she said, "I guess so. I guess so." Then she looked me in the eye and gave that acceptance bob of her head and said, "Ok. I'll do it. I'll go see a therapist."
We continued to talk about lots of issues, my abondoned singing being one of them. She gave me good advice, as she always has, when it's just about me.
The thing I'm having the hardest time with now is the realization that I have come to the finishing line with my mom. And that she finally gave me what I have always wanted. More than any toy, any cash she has handed me, any object I've recieved. And if you could have been with me over the years, you'd realize how unbelievable that is. (I'm pretty attached to "things"
I want to show her appreciation, but I also want to be grounded and wait for her to follow-through. She has a pattern, like me, of avoidance. It's very possible she chickens out.
I wanted to write this because through all my years of therapy, I did not get the benefit of why dealing with this upfront is so necessary. I was much like Antonia, and was kind of disconnected. Seeing such physical representations of all these "elusive" feelings has made it crystal clear and I feel that I have done the right thing.
Anyone out there thinking about taking a big step like this, should do so. You'll never regret it.
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