Starting Over Talk - Peer Coaching Support Site

I am feeling like an open wound. I am confused and try to tell myself, things are going to feel that way for awhile.

A few days ago, my mother and I had a crazy discussion that led to her giving me the only thing I have ever wanted from her.

It started out as a regular talk, but when it started to turn into an argument, I was able to diffuse it, by being unafraid. I just talked her down with rationality when she started getting ridiculous. She seemed to get the picture and softened, explaining she was going through a bit of "separation anxiety", since she was going to be moving soon. (She's been renting a room out of my house for eleven years)

I started to cry of course and she came and sat next to me, wrapped her arms around me and hugged me. I started sobbing so hard trying to explain how I didn't want to disrespect her and just wanted to love her unconditionally. "But I'm still so mad.....about what happened......"

I told her how confusing it was that she let me go, back when I was 5 and said she didn't want me back until I was 12. Why did she let me go?
I shook violently as her words filtered in. "I don't know.....I don't know why...." she sounded amazed herself.

I went on asking about my Dad and why she constantly put me off when I told her what he was doing. Why she didn't care enough - why? why? why? Again, "I don't know....I'm just oblivious." She sounded incredulous, so I got that these were concepts she had NEVER given a sinlge thought to.

She tried to argue, after a moment of the reality setting in. "But wait a minute, you told me, right here on this couch - not too long ago - that he never touced you, just your friends-"

"No, mom, he never touched me-" I cut her off "But does that matter? Everything he did is still considered molesting - I looked into it."
"Yes -but---
""Be careful mom-" I warned, stiffening in her arms. "Be very careful with what your saying."

There was silence. Then in a helpless voice, "But I don't know why I can't remember you telling me..."

"Don't you want to find out?"
She kept her arms around me and looked out the window. "I don't know....." she said honestly. But then she said, "I guess so. I guess so." Then she looked me in the eye and gave that acceptance bob of her head and said, "Ok. I'll do it. I'll go see a therapist."

We continued to talk about lots of issues, my abondoned singing being one of them. She gave me good advice, as she always has, when it's just about me.

The thing I'm having the hardest time with now is the realization that I have come to the finishing line with my mom. And that she finally gave me what I have always wanted. More than any toy, any cash she has handed me, any object I've recieved. And if you could have been with me over the years, you'd realize how unbelievable that is. (I'm pretty attached to "things&quot

I want to show her appreciation, but I also want to be grounded and wait for her to follow-through. She has a pattern, like me, of avoidance. It's very possible she chickens out.

I wanted to write this because through all my years of therapy, I did not get the benefit of why dealing with this upfront is so necessary. I was much like Antonia, and was kind of disconnected. Seeing such physical representations of all these "elusive" feelings has made it crystal clear and I feel that I have done the right thing.

Anyone out there thinking about taking a big step like this, should do so. You'll never regret it.

What a touching story.. thank you for sharing with us such a deep part of yourself and your life. If I may... I so want to tell you to hold on to that good thought, no matter what mom does from here.. you said she gave you something you needed.. hold on to that and don't let anything else dilute it. She was open and honest with you and you got to say things you needed to say and that in itself is a gift. If she goes to counseling it would be another gift. But truly, the gift she gave you at that moment was letting you know how much you matter as she delved into things she would rather have never gone to. I could feel the love in your story and it brought a tear to my eye. I just wanted to tell you honeyspur not to let anything else take away from the gift that you yourself said you needed for so long.. embrace it as it is and sit with that for a while. What comes next may or may not be counseling.. but after what happened maybe it will be a better and more understanding relationship between you and mom, and who knows.. in time she may just find that's what she needs.. but don't have expectations that may disappoint and allow that to take from the good you feel in your heart right now

*big hugs*

Thank you - it's really comforting to have this site, I'm really grateful for it. I never really went on message boards to be honest about myself - just talk about things I was interested in.
I agree that I am really lucky she took it so well and she has really helped lift a weight off my shoulders.
I know that she might not go and it took me a minute to realize that it would still be ok....so thanks.
It's really surprising how much people will reach out. I feel kind of relieved that I'm not bizarre for having this experience or doing anything wrong or disrespectful. I think that's a big fear I had and why I didn't deal with it in this way. Every other confrontation I've had about it has gone horribly.

Wow Honeyspur!!! That is very powerful indeed....thank you for sharing such a personal part of you!

I agree with Myst.........never let what your mom chooses to do in the future detract from this incredible gift and moment!!

And thank you so much for giving some of us hope that maybe, just maybe, our folks might come around!

(((((hugs)))))

Congratulations on your bravery, honey! You have - dare I say it? STARTED OVER!

I know those hard spots scare the living daylights out of most people. We see all the ladies in the house go through this. Anyone would want to resist confronting what's real, thinking the cure is worse than the disease. But look at you! You did it, and look what you found! I couldn't be happier for you.

Deep breath. One foot in front of the other. You're on your way!