Starting Over Talk - Peer Coaching Support Site

This thread just made my entire day !!!!

To Be 6 Again..........


A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

"I'd like to be six again," she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster... everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what
was it like being six again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

"I meant my Dress Size, you dumb ass!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is going to get it wrong.




jorja

The following were actually taken from classified ads in newspapers:

Free Yorkshire Terrior.
8 years-old. Hateful little dog.
----------------------------------
Free Puppies:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel
1/2 Sneaky Neighbor's Dog
----------------------------------
Free Puppies:
Part German Shepherd
Part Stupid Dog
----------------------------------
German Shepherd - 85lbs.
Neutered. Speaks German. Free!
----------------------------------
1 Man, 7 Women hot tub -- $850/offer
----------------------------------
Amana Washer $100.
Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.
----------------------------------
Snow blower for sale.
Only used on snowy days.
----------------------------------
2 Wire mesh butchering gloves:
1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair $15.
----------------------------------
Tickle Me Elmo, Still in Box,
Comes with its own
1988 Mustang, 5L, Auto
Excellent Condition, $6,800.
----------------------------------
83 Toyota Hunchback -- $2,000
----------------------------------
Star Wars Job of the Hut -- $15
----------------------------------
Soft & Genital Bath Tissues
or Facial Tischue - $.89
----------------------------------
Full-Sized Mattress
20 Year Warranty
Like New! Slight urine smell.
----------------------------------
FREE 1 Can of Pork & Beans
With Purchase of 3 BR / 2 BTH Home
----------------------------------
Nordic Track $300
Hardly used. Call Chubbie.
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Bill's Septic Cleaning
"We Haul American Made Products"
----------------------------------
Shakespeare's Pizza - Free Chopsticks
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HUMMELS - Largest Selection Ever!
"If it's in stock, we have it!"
----------------------------------
Get a Little John:
The Traveling Urinal
Holds 2 1/2 Bottles of Beer.
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Harrisburg Postal Employees Gun Club
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Georgia Peaches
California Grown - $.89/lb.
----------------------------------
Nice Parachute
Never Opened - Used Once
Slightly Stained
----------------------------------
American Flag
60 Stars - Pole Included - $100
----------------------------------
Tired of Working for only $9.75 per hour?
We offer profit sharing and flexible hours.
Starting Pay: $7-9 per hour.
----------------------------------
Exercise Equipment
Queen Size Mattress & Box Springs - $175
----------------------------------
Our Sofa Seats the Whole Mob!
And it's made of 100% Italian Leather.
----------------------------------
Joining Nudist Colony!
Must Sell Washer & Dryer - $300
----------------------------------
Lawyer Says Client is Not That Guilty.
----------------------------------
Alzheimer's Center Prepares
for an Affair to Remember
----------------------------------
Gas Cloud Clears out Taco Bell
----------------------------------
Open House!
Body Shapers Toning Salon
Free Coffee & Donuts
----------------------------------
Kellogg's Pot Tarts - $1.99/box.
----------------------------------
Fully Cooked Boneless Smoked Mann $2.09/lb.
----------------------------------
FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica.
45 volumes - Excellent condition.
$1,000.00 or best offer.
No longer needed.
Got married last weekend.
Wife knows everything.



jorja

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went fishing.

***********************************************

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I just won the lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."

***********************************************

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

***********************************************

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

The optician showed him a card with the le tters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know that guy."

************************************************

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

************************************************

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what i t feels like when I'm driving."

**************************************************

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.



jorja

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went fishing.

***********************************************

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I just won the lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."

***********************************************

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

***********************************************

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

The optician showed him a card with the le tters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know that guy."

************************************************

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

************************************************

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what i t feels like when I'm driving."

**************************************************

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.



jorja

25 Signs That You Have Grown Up



Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.



Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.



You keep more food than beer in the fridge.



6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.



You hear your favorite song in an elevator.



You watch the Weather Channel.



Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."



You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.



Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."



You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door

won't turn down the stereo.



Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.



You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.



Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.



You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.



Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.



You take naps from noon to 6 PM



Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.



Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset,

rather than settle, your stomach.



If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid,

not condoms and pregnancy tests.



A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."



You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.



"I just can't drink the way I used to"

replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."



90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.



You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.



You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to

you and can't find one to save your sorry old @ss.



jorja