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The Ten Commandments of Marriage

Commandment 1.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2.
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3.
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4.
Married life is very frustrating! In the first year of marriage, the
man Speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman
speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and
the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of
one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something You say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical,
and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9.
Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why the wife treats the husband like toxic waste.

Commandment 10.
A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.


Bonus Commandment story.
A long married couple came upon a wishing well.
The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The husband decided to make a wish too.
But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "Wow! This stuff really Works!"


jorja

jorja wrote:

QUOTE:
The Ten Commandments of Marriage

Commandment 1.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2.
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3.
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4.
Married life is very frustrating! In the first year of marriage, the
man Speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman
speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and
the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of
one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something You say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical,
and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9.
Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why the wife treats the husband like toxic waste.

Commandment 10.
A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.


Bonus Commandment story.
A long married couple came upon a wishing well.
The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The husband decided to make a wish too.
But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "Wow! This stuff really Works!"

:whistle:
jorja

THANKS for that jorja...I needed a laugh today! Keep them coming!!

Man am I glad I wasn't drinking my diet coke while reading these!!!! Hysterical!!!!

And belly-laughing burns calories too!!!!

Jorja thanks for adding a smile to my day every time you share a 'morning funny'!!! Love it.

These are pretty funny!


Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said,
"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it.


Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."

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When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.


No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."

Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise
that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read:


"Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean.
We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . please advise.

" The old man faxed back:

"Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."* *

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.


At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.

As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong.


She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."


I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"

She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favourite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.


I said, "Well, why are you crying?"

She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favourite dessert and then makes love
to me until 2:00 a.m."

I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"

She said, "I can't remember where I live!"
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Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.

Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name!

I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.

"Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.

Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"


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Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 10.
Oh hell, send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are.

Then something is supposed to happen . . I think.



jorja