Starting Over Talk - Peer Coaching Support Site

Seriously? Seriously?

I was raised by an abusive father who cut off contact with my mother's family and some loving family members on his side. As a teen I didn't feel like there was a soft place to fall other than my mother and her health was bad so I didn't want to burden her at all. Just a couple of years ago I found out that there were family members that tried to keep in contact and they said they wanted to take us and shelter us, love us, and let us know we had a place to fall into. Just realizing they were being honest has healed so much... just knowing it after all these years. It meant I wasn't alone just isolated by a self-centered abusive parent. Though I do wish I'd known then.


Since the kids are 14 and 15 years old, it will help to know that there is a soft place to fall. Since there has been a lot of hurt and potential for further hurt that will be more destructive to the boys than anyone else.
Here is what I suggest (I won't claim to be an expert but this is only my opinion and my experience)

Keep your relationship with the grandsons separate from the parents. The step mother is obviously wrapped up in her own issues so I wouldn't even try getting through to her- just let her be.

No matter what the parents do or what you say- the kids will love thier parents. So like divorcing parents are advised- If you get to talk to them -don't bad mouth the parents to the kids. The one thing the kids don't need is major fighting between their loved ones- it might bring them guilt. Just listen, encourage them to do thier best and do what is right, and get to know the kids and the things they truely love.

If the parents don't want you to see the kids then send cards during the holidays, special events, and birthdays - Christmas, V-day, Easter- etc. Don't try to contact them all the time (ie 2-3 times a week) but try 1 time a month. Maybe you can set up a scheduled call. Maybe you can call them on special days as well as send a card. If you get to talk to the kids invite them to call you anytime.

As far as Children Protective Services go- They will depend on what the teen says unless there are physcial proof. (ie Dr, teacher, etc has to make notes of injuries) because they are 14 and 15 years old, some agencies will believe the kids are old enough to know that they need to call. They are also old enough to make it hard to press charges against the parents if the teen does not want to. There has to be evidence of abuse (bruises, injuries, witnesses) to counter what the kids say. So unless there is hard evidence...
(this was told to me when I went to inquire about my siblings' kids being treated horribly by thier step dad- it was all about the age because the court system treats 13 + years a little differently than they would a child).

In some states there is something known as "Grandparents rights". I have seen it used only a few times. If you are reasonable when dealing with the parents (ie you don't undermine them), non harrassing, you try to respect the parents wishes short of closing contact with the kids, and don't stir trouble but the parents keeps you from having any contact with the kids- some states will give you 'visitation rights' or "contact rights" it's something you have to investigate in your own state, I don't know what guidelines are, if any. There are a few states that would back the parents no matter their reasoning is behind their denying you contact.


Basically if you take the 'high road' and truely mean it the kids will know you are a soft landing spot that they need to survive. Kids can be insightful to what is going on between adults even if they don't understand the reasoning behind it.

I don't think Lin1on1 will be coming back here anymore, and she knows why i'm saying that.

Oh my gawddd!
I am back and hey - I have my life here in BC Canada...also...excuse me for not being here as often as I should...thanks all that have replied with kind and effection in my plight of my gr-sons! And its all in the hands of the LAW now...and I'm sitting here and waiting for the outcome...in meantime...have a wonderful Easter everyone as I am ...and been so busy with Spring...its wonderful....and my flowers are looking awesome...the bulbs I planted last Fall......
And guess what- I am backkkkkk....so there...missed you all...hugs n ...well wishes...welcome to ....newcomers! Lin1on1 (flower)

HAPPY EASTER ...and be safe yall!

i am not comfortable with you here anymore.

pmpnjc16 wrote:

QUOTE:
i am not comfortable with you here anymore. :unsure:

I feel ya JC .. really. *hugs our other lil bro* Don't worry nobody can affect you here unless you allow them to Remember that. I do understand though, better than you think.