Starting Over Talk - Peer Coaching Support Site

Please try and help me here as much as you can so that I can understand and help 2 teenagers cope with a disgruntled step-mom.She never seems to be happy or pleased with anything these children try to achieve and always puts her children from these teens first and these 2 teens are secondary.
There has to be something out there-or advice and getting her to read any books is blowing sand in the wind.Advice for her is a waste of time...esp....when she convinces Daddy-kins his kids from previous marriage are BRATS! I think this is so not good .....whatcha all think?Please give out positive thoughts and not pity-wagon excuses on her behalf...these teens are in a turmoil at present as I type this.

If she refuses any outside advice the best thing I would think would be talking to dad.. maybe he will listen because if I was in a situation and chose a man that treated my own child this way I would think twice about my choice. He may need counseling on what ways to deal with this but in the meantime he may make up for what she doesn't give his children by making sure he is always available to them and treats them all equally. If she sees him treating them all equal maybe she will put forth more effort. The teens may also need counseling because they may feel rebellious toward her as well and it's a vicious cycle. Counseling for them may give them coping mechanisms. At least it's a way for the kids to be able to have some normalcy or feel they are ok and be able to handle the situation without losing self-esteem.. do the achievements for themselves first not for mom's acceptance. Hopefully their dad will show pride in those achievements.

Thx Mystique:
I have tried to talk to the father and he too ...sides with the wifey...which is so sadddd.
The teenagers are already showing signs of rejection+there is not a thing I can do to help.
All I can do is relay what messages I can to them,to show support and if danger is lurking...to get help.
No woories tho' there are people keeping an eye on this step-mom.And oneday her behavior will catch up to her...and hopefully the husband sees the light and...gets the family back to where it is....she has to understand that hubby came with baggage and that it was his 2 sons from a previous marriage.And just because she has two children with him...that the other two older children should be ignored.
What is so upsetting is the older son is so bitter now....cause he don't get the love he needs and...parents are suppose to be protecting him and nourishing him thru the teenage years....and with Dad away at work...and not home on a reg basis-it proves difficult...I just want the best for these teenagers...and wish the step-mother would be nicer and stop being nasty.But I love your comments...I wish there were more to support me here though!

Lin, whew it does sound like a sad situation.. what ages are the boys? it makes a difference from 13-19 It's real hard to give advice not knowing the parties involved and hearing you say that dad isn't much help, assuming he's trying to make this marriage work and partly because as you say he isn't home a lot.. but I'll leave you with just a thought.

It seems you have taken the boys into your heart and that they (one or both) have confided in you? If that is the case maybe you can help more than you realize just by supplying them with an adult they feel that they can go to talk to, just knowing that there is someone that will listen and care for them to vent to. And you being so compassionate for them will be able to give them that and possibly keep them in the right track as older teens can give up and become rebellious and lost so it's an important time in their lives and I'm glad they have you at least to give them a little guidance where the parents aren't. Also, you may try to get them to sit down and have a heart to heart with their parents.. sometimes things are unsaid that needs to be.. sometimes in the turmoil they don't feel they can.. but if they approach them in the right way and let them know they really would like to work things out so that they can all get along.. a good heart to heart can't hurt. All good parents want to know they sometimes just don't take the time to ask in their busy day and maybe if they sit down and talk without accusations just expressing feelings with an open mind to try to accept the new mom and make the new family work it just might open the parents eyes a little. Hope that helps sweetie, but glad you are there for them and since they know that at least they have one person they can turn to.

Good Luck Lin <3

Lin,

Just wanted you to know that I just don't have any experience in this area and don't want to be one of those who acts like a know-it-all when I've never been thru that!! But............I do think it's awesome, like Mystique mentioned, that you are a soft place for them to fall!!! That may well BE the answer and blessing in their life for the moment that helps them thru!!! I wish the best for you all!!!!!

Hi my new friends and my support:
The boys are ages 15+14....and it is a sadddd situation..because they are my grandsons!!
I have tried my best to talk to the boys and tell them I love them and I'm here for them...I tried to write a nice letter to the step-mother in Feb....to make her understand that gramma's need to be involved with the gr-kids also.And to my dismay she refused to acknowledge my love for my precious gr-sons.
I focused on the wellness of my gr-sons and for her to let the past alone and to move forward...and to heal! Only to be called by the local..police...who he said she claimed I was harrassing her...and I was not..all I wanted was to talk to my gr-sons....and make sure they understood...I love them and am here for them.Its a longgg story that involves alot of past hurts- but still she should not hold old wounds in this grave situation....god knows ...and heaven forbid my oldest gr-son don't act out his pain and bitterness!
My being estranged from my daughter has not a dayum thing to do with my relationship with my gr-sons...and I wish her and the Father would see that! I bet once the boys see me and know I love and care ...they would change there attitudes...because they love me and always have...my last words to my oldest gr-son ...2 weeks ago ...was...Don't be bitter at gramma hon....I never hurt you nor will ever hurt you...that I am here for you no matter what!"
There its all out now and I feel relieved I said it- that these 2 teenagers are my gr- sons.
If only the step-mother would stop being so selfish and realize the world does not revolve around her and her 2 kids ...that it involves her hubby and his 2 other kids from my daughter.Its a long story....that involves her ...and my x-son-in-law ...way back to 93'- and my lil- gr-sons were just babies....so can you imagine the hurt?
What started all this was the abuse she brought upon the boys...and I lashed out at her...bout 3 yrs ago...I do not condone a step-mom...shoving a kids face in his bed clothes he wet ...during the night and placing his face in his wet sheets! Know you see where I am coming from?I am so outraged that she still can look after these kids ...I wanted to raise these boys...but the parents are to pig-headed to allow me that priveledge.To me they are guilty of child abuse! And dammit- let them goooo....unless the Dad can step up to the plate and smarten the wifey up...and start the healing for these precious souls! He'd better hurry- cause time is running out....esp my patience.Last resort- call social services & report her again ...or take them both to court!
I'm sooooo upset and there is no need for me to feel this way but ...hey...I feel for those boys ...dammit if they get hurt any more than they already have!!
Please pray for there safety- and the dayum step-mother. I deserve the right to be upset- its only natural being their Grandmother-hugsss E1 and I'm off to try and sleep! Oh God help me ! And keep my grandsons safe!