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Ilanya leads group today. Ilanya: So I have a chair here…Miss Lisa! She pats the chair next to her and everyone cheers as Lisa sits in the love seat.
Lisa in confessional: I’m just so excited, I cannot believe it, because I know I have worked so hard and I know I have a lot of work to do but that’s okay. Ilanya: So why are you in this chair, Miss Lisa? Lisa: I think I’m moving up a step. Ilanya: Really? What have you done to make you think that way? Lisa: I’m staying in touch with my truth, I’ve reconciled with some family members, and I’ve been in the swamp! Everybody laughs. Ilanya: So let’s see the steps…
Evaluate Current Situation and Clarify & Decide Direction.
Lisa claps and everyone claps and is happy and excited for her. Ilanya: So tell me what you’ve learned about your current situation, Miss Lisa. Lisa: Boy, first coming in here with this mindset that they’re going to feel sorry for me and it’s everybody’s fault but mine, boy that was a rude awakening for me. And I realize that it’s all mine. Ilanya: I always say that acknowledgment is the first step toward healing. If you can acknowledge what’s going on, the healing will begin. So if we look at clarifying and decide direction, where do we go from here? Lisa: I’ve got to find myself. I have to know what my vision is and where I am going. Ilanya: And when we look at what’s left there are some places left on the landscape that we still have to explore in order to get that done. Congratulations on your forward movement!
So ladies I have a question that I’d like to put before you…what is vision? Kim: Being clear with what your goals are and what you want. Ilanya: Miss Jodi, what’s vision? Jodi: Having a purpose. Ilanya: So where does vision come from, Jill? Jill: My heart. Ilanya: Okay, excellent. There’s a difference between visions and seeing and most of us live based on what we can see, not what we can envision. So my question would be, what’s your vision? Miss Jill? Jill: I have on my sunglasses and I have on a black linen strapless dress and I’m in a convertible and boo-boo is next to me and we’re driving up the hill to our house. Everyone laughs. Ilanya: The thing that I like about Miss Jill’s description is; A. It’s descriptive, B. It’s in color, C. It’s active. A vision has to be active. So if I had to give you a definition for vision, I would say the ability to see what you desire as if it’s already going on. How do you sustain your vision, Miss Jodi, when you ain’t had a date since God left Chicago….Jodi laughs: You have to put faith in the vision. Ilanya: Feel as if the thing happened! Feel as if the thing already happened! So today what I want you to do, everybody pick a color (she hands out posters) cause I want you to create a vision board and that starts with a vision statement. Twenty words or less… my vision is …and then you use your paints, your colors, your decorations to just bring life to it. That’s your project for today so what I’d like you to do is have your boards ready by this evening and present them to each other and have a vision party. So ladies, today make your life an act of faith. They all clap. Be a great day, ladies!
Rhonda in confessional: I’m meeting with Christie and Kim today because they have something in common -- dysfunctional relationships with their mothers. Christies’ is a drug addict while Kim’s abandoned her at the age of 5. I want them to get to know their mothers as women.
Rhonda sits outside with Christie and Kim. Rhonda: Today, since I know both of you have challenging relationships with your mothers, I thought we’d get together to talk about moms. Why don’t you tell me a couple sentences about how you would describe the relationship with your mother at this moment? Christie: My relationship with my mother is cordial. I speak to her when I have to in regards to my brother. Rhonda: If you didn’t have a relationship with your 12 year old brother, would you want a relationship with your mother? Christie: If it wasn’t for him, I would have cut her out of my life a long time ago. Rhonda: And tell me the 2 or 3 top reasons why you’d want to cut her out of your life. Christie: She’s caused me a lot of pain. She’s been a drug addict. I just don’t trust her.
Ilanya and Lisa meet. Lisa feels good that she’s moving in little steps and feels good about it but knows there’s hard work Ilanya: I’m glad you know there’s hard work, it’s going to begin in a few minutes. She gives her directions to get in the van and meet her somewhere, as quickly as possible.
Rhonda: Kim, describe your relationship with your mother. Kim: Right now, it’s kind of obligatory, maybe for her and me, and it’s pleasant, but very surface-y and not deep at all. Rhonda: Basically, what you’re telling me is your relationships with your mothers is pretty much nil, nonexistent. I want to find out what you wish it could be like. She has clear sheets to write on that say “Ideal Mom.” Go and write down the characteristics of your ideal mom. Kim and Christie write down their words. Rhonda: So How did it feel to write them down? Christie: It pisses me off cause I don’t have it. Rhonda: Is your mom any of this? Christie: Yes, probably…no I mean, she might not be. Rhonda: Well, have you ever had a healthy conversation with your mom? Christie: No. Rhonda: Ever felt comforted by your mother? Supported? Christie: No. Rhonda: Do you have unconditional love? Christie: I think she loves me no matter what. Rhonda: So really the only quality she’s been able to provide is that you do believe she loves you? Christie: I know she loves me. Rhonda: Even at the height of her addiction? Christie: As best she could. Rhonda: But did you know that then? Did you feel love as a child? Christie: No. Rhonda: Kim, does your mother have any of those qualities? Kim: She can be encouraging. She can be generous. She can give support, if I ask for it. I think she would. She’s compassionate, understanding. Rhonda: Now? Kim: Yeah, none of this, not when I was growing up, only since I met her again and we reunited.
Rhonda now has them write down on a clear board that says “Real Mom” the qualities that their moms now have. Rhonda: Who is your mom? Don’t make it pretty, tell the truth. Christie: The hardest thing for me is that, not even mourning for myself anymore, it’s for my brother and I don’t want him to have to feel like I felt and that’s what pisses me off cause I can forgive her for what she did to me, but I can’t forgive her for what she’s doing to him. I don’t want him to go through this, being lost and having low self esteem and getting in bad relationships and overeating. I don’t know how to save him because I don’t even know how to save myself yet.
Rhonda: How is it for you to write about your mom, Kim? Kim: I just get detached, like this is what she is now, and I think she’s human. Sure, she’s alone, she chooses to be alone, I think she likes it. She is who she is. Rhonda: What word hurts the most? Kim: Uncommitted. Christie: Drug addict. Rhonda: Tell me why. Christie: I don’t know, cause I feel if she wasn’t that then…that’s kind of what started it all. Rhonda: Today I want you to discover a new aspect of your mothers that she’s a woman with her own needs, she’s not just a mom, she has her own wants, and she has her own story. So I’d like you to interview each other about your moms, because sometimes we forget what we know about our moms. So Christie’s going to ask Kim questions about her mom as a woman and Kim’s going to ask questions to Christie.
Rhonda in confessional: Kim and Christie have talked about their mothers so often, they’re almost immune to the trauma of their experiences. I’m hoping that they’ll be able to see their own mothers as human and see that everyone makes mistakes, even moms.
Rhonda: Once you interview each other, I want you to call some family and friends. We’ll get together later on today and see what you’ve found.
Ilanya and Lisa have met out in the country in a beautiful setting. Ilanya: When I think about the landscape of your life there’s a place in your landscape which is a valley, and it’s the valley of victimhood, so let’s talk about the valley.
They sit on a bench. Ilanya: What is in your valley? What have you been a victim of? Lisa: So much loneliness, emptiness. Ilanya: With a husband and children and sisters and a mother and father? Lisa: I didn’t let them get to close to me. Anytime someone gets too close to me I freak out because I don’t want them to know what’s going on in my life. I’m ashamed of it. Ilanya: So you’re a victim of shame? Lisa: Yeah, of shame and embarrassment, of not being able to face the truth of what really was going on in my life. I just wanted to pretend everything was okay. Ilanya: Let’s talk about the affair. Lisa: When I first found out about it, Stephanie was about 2 years old and I just remember I was at work having coffee with my friends, laughing and having a good time, and I remember the phone rang and my sister Susan was on the phone and she was laughing and she said, you’re not going to believe what I just heard. Well, Dauphine just called to tell me that Tony is having an affair. And, oh my God, I just felt this feeling like my heart fell to my feet. Ilanya: And what did you tell yourself? Lisa: I kept telling myself she’s not going to win this one, I am. Ilanya: Oh, so it became a battle. So you were jealous of, not jealous of what he was doing, but jealous of the attention that other women were getting? Lisa: Yes. Ilanya: And yet you wouldn’t open your heart to him. How did it get so hard? Lisa: I just kept thinking it’s because of this jealousy. Ilanya: The fact that the man you loved wanted somebody else. I’m going to go get something for you. Ilanya leaves and comes back with a guitar. Ilanya: See, one of the things that gives life to vision is music. So that when you strike a chord, the energy goes through your body. Ilanya plays some notes.
Lisa in confessional: All of a sudden I’m thinking about all these hobbies that I used to have that I have totally suppressed and never thought about doing, but I know it’s in me.
Ilanya: This is going to help us open up the heart so that not only can you let your vision in, but also your children, your husband. You can strum some notes, then this evening you’re going to have a guitar lesson. Lisa: Oh that will be wonderful.
Kim and Christie are in the kitchen going over their questions about their mothers, such as, how was she when she was young, how they got married. Kim: For me, I’d want to know, what kind of mom did they perceive her as being? Was she happy as being a mom? Christie: I remember my mom was always dropping me off too with babysitters. Kim: What questions do you want to know? Christie: This isn’t easy for me to do, because I don’t care, that’s how detached I am.
Christie in confessional: I don’t want a relationship with my mother and I don’t know why I’m so resistant. I’m like, let’s just get this over with.
Kim: I was told that she grew up in a house of alcoholics and at some point, her mom died when she was 38, so during high school she went to live with her grandmother. She came from old money, like her family had a lot of money but they weren’t responsible because they were all a bunch of alcoholics. But my mom was into how she looked and spent a lot of money on clothes. As far as her pregnancy was concerned, I heard that at one point, she tried to throw herself down the stairs; she fell on purpose to see if she could lose me.
Kim in confessional: Maybe I’m detached with my emotions but maybe subconsciously I have all this anger. The assignment is really touching a nerve
Kim: Why do you think she started doing drugs? Christie: I think she had low self esteem, she wanted to lose weight, they made her thin and they made her numb and she was having fun partying and then it turned to addiction. Kim: I’m wondering if it’s how you’re going to end up? Christie: It’s a pattern, it’s my legacy. I’m definitely different from her, but God it makes me sick to say I’ve taken after her.
Christie calls Mavis, Kim’s grandmother
Christie in confessional: Kim and I have to call each others’ families and try to get their perspective on what kind of person her mother was. It’s so difficult for me.
Christie: We’re talking about Kim’s mom, Melinda. How was Melinda when she was younger? Mavis: I felt real sorry for Melinda when I found out about her upbringing. Her mother left her when she was little with her grandmother so she didn’t have a normal life. She was raised with lots of money and then all of a sudden no money at all. Not sure if she was in love with Rich when she married him, she might have just married him to pay her dentist bill and fix her car. Christie: What kind of mother was she? Mavis: I think she was a very good mother. Kim went to be early and I think Melinda just had strict rules for her. Christie: You’ve been so helpful. Thank you so much.
Lisa in confessional: I’m excited, I’m actually excited to try something new. I never even laid a hand on a guitar. Maybe I have it in me and I can play the guitar.
Lisa in kitchen: Can you believe this? We went to the most beautiful area and she said to have a vision and to start opening up and bringing in that love and compassion, we have to break that wall -- that concrete wall that you’ve built all around you. So she gave me this and I played it and I talked to her about a vision because now we’re at that step and I didn’t have a vision.
Kim calls Mary, Christies’ grandmother, and tells her about the assignment and questions her regarding Christie’s mom. Kim: How she was when she was young? Mary: Well, she was a good girl when she was young, all my kids were good when they were young. She was 18 or 19 when she got married. Kim: How do you think it affected your daughter when he passed away? (assume she is referencing her father). Mary: Well, she still loved him so it hurt her. Kim: Do you think she is or was a good mother? Mary: Yes, she was before she went on drugs. Kim: Do you think she loves her children? Mary: I think so, she loves her kids dearly. Kim: Thank you so much for your time.
Kim in confessional: Christie doesn’t want to do the exercise because she’s worried that she’s going to find out something she really doesn’t want to know. Maybe it’s because it makes it easier for her to just not deal with her mom, but Christies’ grandmother is just trying to get it across that Christie’s a good woman and good mother.
We see the women working at the table making their vision posters.
Kelly in confessional: What’s your vision? My housemates and I are working a lot on the boards, cutting out magazines, stickers, glitter and glue. Everyone’s into it. Your mind is just ticking -- now my vision’s this, or that and I’ve got to make it look like that on the board.
Lisa in confessional: I know some housemates say, I’m not creative, what am I supposed to do? But it’s amazing, the work that we can put together.
Ilanya walks in to and sees the women working at the table and creating their posters. She reads some of them and is very pleased.
Ilanya: I’ve decided to drop by the house to see how the women’s vision projects are going. It is absolutely delicious to see the work that they are doing.
Ilanya is so happy she starts to boogie around the table.
Lisa’s guitar teacher arrives. Lisa: I hear a knock at the door and lo and behold here’s Patrick. He’s about to give me a guitar lesson. Oh my gosh, what am I getting myself into? Because it’s kind of scary. They start with a couple of basic chords and he has her pick each individual string. Patrick: That’s not so bad. It doesn’t have to be perfect at first, you’re just looking to get better little by little. Lisa: Wow, there is music in my heart that I have not felt for a long, long time and I’m excited to try something new. Patrick: It can get to within a month or so you could be playing some songs. Lisa: Okay, well thank you so much, that was very interesting.
Rhonda, back with Kim and Christie: Ladies what have you found? Kim: When I interviewed her about her mom, she said that her mom was outgoing, pleasant and she hears from other people that her mom is helpful and generous. I asked her why she felt her mom started doing drugs and she said she felt that her mom had low self-esteem, and that it helped her lose weight, feel confident, able to numb. So maybe it was just fun and then went into an addiction. Rhonda: What else? I asked her, do you ever see her getting out of this and not living out of a car? And she said no, she’ll die. Christie: And I think that’s why I keep her at bay because I’m setting myself up for that phone call. Rhonda: So how hard is it for you to realize how your mom is as a woman? I mean, do you want to even bother? Christie: At first, no, I was resistant, I didn’t want to do it, but then the more questions Kim was asking me the more I saw a pattern. Rhonda: Your number one feeling right now? Christie: I’m having some clarity. Rhonda: The woman you don’t want to get to know is yourself. Find out things about your mom as a woman, you might have to face some things about yourself. So who’s Kim’s mom? Christie: Kim’s’ mom grew up in a family of alcoholics, she was raised by her grandparents, she was left by her mom, she came from old money, was very into fashion, she came across as vain, liked to lay in the sun. She was friends with her dad’s friends and she met him through them, were just friends at first. Her money was running out and because he could provide for her, they got married. She bought you nice clothes; she gave you strict rules and had a routine for you. Once she divorced your dad, she remarried but you were with her and once she called to drop you off. She didn’t drop you off very much and she’d bring all your toys and nobody really knows why she never came to pick you back up. Kim: I think she did plan on getting me back, or else she probably would have given me a blanket or a toy or two, she is a good person, and usually I’m embarrassed about my dad, he scared everybody and it just feels good that my mom was normal.
Rhonda in confessional: Things were so bad for Kim when she was growing up that I understand why she’s trying to find something positive about her mother. Her mother still has no excuse for abandoning Kim. I think this could have a profound effect on Kim’s relationship with her.
Kim: It’s nice to hear that she gave me structure and a routine. It makes me kind of feel like despite her not having a normal childhood, at one point in time she tried; it makes me a little sad that I didn’t know she did that. I wish I could have had that, if she hadn’t dropped me off, I could have had a much different life. Rhonda: So how are you feeling about getting to know your mothers as women? What’s the gift? Christie: That she’s human. Rhonda: What about the concept of as you see your mother more and more as a woman that she actually becomes more real to you? As a daughter we want all this stuff, but as another woman we see thing differently.
Kelly in voiceover: Lisa and I are talking a little bit about vision, what we like, and I was amazed today in group when she brought up knitting. She said, I love to knit, I love to do it. She loves it. She brought all this yarn and she has never brought out the knitting and it is her passion, she is a knitter. Lisa: I enjoy it very much. All of a sudden I’m thinking about all of these hobbies I used to have that I have totally suppressed and I know I still have a lot of work to do but that’s okay and I feel so good about this right now.
Christie in confessional: Tonight we are sharing our vision boards with each other.
Jodi: I’ll read my vision first and I put it in a heart because I want it all to come from my heart and not my head. My vision is filled with love and joy, love for myself and my family, joy that I give to the world, success in the business that I create for myself and the team I surround myself with to help achieve this goal.
Christie: I feel amazing in my own skin, I’m enough just as I am. I feel confident and secure alone, I feel smart, motivated, and my vision is to just be enough in my own skin and it’s exciting to have a visual. This basically is an extension of my contract to myself, my declaration of independence.
Lisa: My vision is to love myself in being able to give love to my family and friends, getting in touch with my creative side, whether knitting or gardening, and having confidence that I can be successful in whatever path I choose.
Kim: In my vision, I matter. I feel emotions, like feel them, I love and accept myself and others. I know forgiveness and truth. I have family and friends in my heart. I have joy and I embrace life.
Jill in confessional: My housemates still have a way to go in understanding their visions, it’s not integrated.
Kelly: As I come into the door of my home my husband Dave greats me with his beautiful smile and open arms. I am safe and secure. My son Ryan is in his room doing his homework and I trust he will ask for help if he needs it. He calls, hey mom, I love ya. I call back I love you too and I rub his head and I hug his shoulders. My mom, dad, sister and brother will soon arrive for a big family dinner. When they arrive, we will embrace and feel happy to be with each other. Since I am able to ask for help, Dave and the boys help to get things ready and I feel absence of all stress. I feel love and I feel loved
Jill in confessional: That is really where and how she wants to see herself and she can actually feel herself in this vision she’s described.
Jill: My vision is to live a life exotic. Create it, work it, and be delicious.
Kim in confessional: When Jill is speaking from her vision statement, I am loving it. I am so impressed. There were a lot of things in her vision statement that I wish I had included in mind.
Jill: Come hither young man…or older! Everyone laughs. And the passion that that invokes and constantly be a woman of change; moving, growing, being, to honor those that have paved the way for me and to make sure I make a way for others.
Lisa in confessional: It’s just amazing to hear Jill talk. You can tell she’s the elder of the house. She’s got her tools and skills and when I take that with me I know I can face anything.
Kelly in confessional: There’s nothing stopping me from achieving this vision. A couple weeks ago I couldn’t have said that. Right now I have new visions and a new future.
Next on Starting Over:
Kelly confronts Jodi. She and Kelly are in the kitchen with Lisa. Jodi: You can’t tell me… Kelly, clapping as she speaks: Yes I can! Otherwise, get away from me. Kelly in confessional: I can kick your ass with my mouth alone. So let’s go!
Kim struggles to find her place. Christie in confessional: Kim is driving me nuts. Completely nuts!
And Christie goes off on Rhonda. We see her sitting with Kim and Christie. Rhonda: If you actually did understand it, you’d be having a lot more empathy and compassion for Kim right now, rather than being annoyed. Christie: I am annoyed…with you!
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ONCE AGAIN, STARTING OVER, SURELY IS NOT EASY
THE LADIES HAVE A LOT OF WORK AHEAD
I WOULD LIKE TO START A FEW THINGS OVER IN MY MIND
HOWEVER, I KEEP MY TRUE FEELINGS CLOSED, SINCE THE LOSS OF MY TWIN SISTER TWO YEARS AGO, MY BEST FRIEND FIVE YEARS, AND MY MOTHER AT AGE 90 A YEAR AGO
MY SUPPORT IS GONE
I FEEL SO ALONE AND LOST
YET I GUESS BECAUSE I'VE BEEN SO VERY LUCKY WITH MY FAMILY, IT SEEMS SELFISH TO ASK AND WANT MORE
LOVE YOUR WAY LADIES, JAZZ
