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Jill gets a phone call. George: Jill? Hi, this is George. Jill: George? George: We have a dinner date tonight. Jill: Oh, how ‘bout that? I’m like, okay, George who? Oh hey, how are you doing? George: I’m doing well, how are you? Jill: I’m good. George: Have you ever eaten at Toast? It’s supposed to be pretty good, all kinds of food. Jill: no, I never have. George: I’m looking forward to it. Jill: I’m looking forward to it too. So I guess I will see you tonight at a restaurant called Toast, like the bread. George: Take care, Jill.
Jill in confessional: Going out on this date is part of my conditions to graduation. The date is hours away and I’m nervous already!
Group is with Rhonda
Rhonda teases Jill about sitting in a different seat (she is sitting with Kelly and Kim on the sofa). She jokes that Jill must think she’s ready to graduate, and everyone laughs.
Rhonda in confessional: In order for Jill to graduate from the SO house, she must contact her father, get a job, and go on a date. Tonight, her biggest fear? Going out on a date!
Rhonda talks to the women about what it would be like to contemplate being the victor in their own lives. Not from a place of being “better than” but just to be a victor over your past. Being a victor, versus a victim.
Rhonda in confessional: Today I’m talking to the women in the SO house about victim vs. victor. In the past, they’ve been victims. They blamed others, they haven’t wanted to take responsibility, they shamed themselves. I want them to practice being victors. It’s really up to them.
Kim: To be a victor, I wouldn’t not love myself and need it so much from other people because I know if I matter to myself then I can accept and receive love. Rhonda: people can come towards you, versus you chasing them down. Instead of you always… come here, love me, do this, love me… Kim: I could just feel and I could slow down and not worry about it and just enjoy what’s in front of me.
Rhonda: Because you are a victim, you’ve got to gain power somewhere. Anytime you are judging which feelings are appropriate or not, you are being a victim. When you don’t’ think someone can handle you or your story, you’re a victim. Why become the victim? Kelly: You would be free. Rhonda: Who will be free? Kelly: Me. Rhonda: And what would that mean to you? If your story about your mother’s mental illness and your story about your father, you just embraced and no longer let rule you, what would be different? Kelly: I could love them and know that they love me. I could rest and not work so hard to deny it. Rhonda: And if you rested, what would that mean you’d have to feel? Kelly: Vulnerable. Rhonda: And what could happen if you got weak? Kelly: I might have a breakdown. Rhonda: Yes, you might have a breakdown. So love equals potential breakdown.
Jodi: When I was a kid, and I would get emotional, my dad would shut me down. He would tell me that he couldn’t hear me through the emotion so there were no tears left. Rhonda: What are you hearing is the connect to move you from victim to victor? What’s going to help you? You’re feeling victimized, you’re feeling powerless. Jodi: Allowing people to give you what you need, asking for help. Rhonda: Asking for help, excellent, you guys are learning. So I want you to just be with the theme of victim vs. victor today and just be with how often you allow yourself to stay stuck in victim. You let the past rule your life, you’re not actually living your life fully and completely as you. Anybody need anything before I leave? Jodi asks for a hug.
Rhonda in confessional: Jodi has been a victim of her past for quite some time. She just holds on to guilt and beats herself up with it. Well, if she does want to heal her past, Jodi is going to have to learn to forgive herself in order to move on.
Jill looks at the restaurant on line to see what it’s like, what she should wear, etc. She doesn’t know what to wear or how to look. Jodi tells her to just remember to go in there with her personality because that is her natural state of being and show her vulnerability, playfulness, and sense of humor.
Jodi: that is your natural state of being and the will show your vulnerability and your playfulness and sense of humor.
Rhonda and Kelly meet. There are empty conversation bubbles up on the wall to write on. Rhonda: What have you told me time and time again about your thoughts? Kely: That they’re ruling me. Rhonda: But not only that but the other layer is the thoughts you think about what other people are thinking of you. What are a couple? Kelly: She’s a bitch, she’s cold, she’s weak. They start to write them down in the bubbles.
Rhonda in confessional: Kelly makes up a story about what she thinks others think of her. It’s time for a wake up call so she can see how it affects her life.
Kelly says 95% of the time she is thinking about what other people are thinking, and she is thinking about avoiding embarrassment, so they write that down. Rhonda: Is it stupid for a 41 year old woman to be a waitress? Kelly: No, not stupid but weak and what a joke when she puts her uniform on. They write in the bubbles. Rhonda wants her to fill the bubbles with all the thoughts she thinks others are thinking about her and what she is thinking in response to that. Rhonda: The words that you think people name you, I want these jam packed with every thought you think they’re thinking about and what your response is.
Kelly in confessional: As I’m writing my thoughts in the thoughts bubbles, I’m amazed that most of it is all conjured up in my mind. It’s all garbage that keeps me away from people, from being needy, asking for help, and being in the real world.
Jill and Ilanya talk about her date.
Ilanya in confessional: Today is Jill’s big day. She’s going on a date and I’m just checking in to see how the normally cool, calm and collected Miss Jill is handling it.
Jill: I’m nervous at the idea of somebody liking me. Ilanya: Then what will happen? Jill: I have to believe him. I might actually have a real relationship. Ilanya: Is it possible you’re afraid of getting what you want? For so long you believed you couldn’t have it. What do you think he will think the first time he sees you? Jill: Too fat. Ilanya: Are you fat? Okay, so it’s now like it don’t take a rocket scientist. When was the last time you had a date? Jill: Five years ago. Ilanya: You better get on line and get some dating etiquette. You’re going on a date with a man you don’t know. Did you get his phone number? Oh my God, Jill.
Ilanya in confessional: Jill has forgotten the most basic dating guidelines. Like getting his phone number in case she breaks her leg and has to cancel. I’m just gonna cross my fingers, my arms, legs and toes that the poor child doesn’t pass out at the dinner table. Did she get his last name, what he looks like so she can find him when she gets to the restaurant?
Ilanya tells Jill she has to look nice and is going to send her to a spa for a pedicure and to get ready. Ilanya: Just be Jill, the Jill that everybody knows and loves. Jill: Okay.
Rhonda and Kim meet. Rhonda has what looks like a large fan in her hand, and it is headshot photos of all the people in her life, each one on a fan. There is a picture of her mom, her dad, Jeff, Jax, and herself, her biological family. There is another group of fan photos that is her starting over family. All the housemates are pictured individually. Rhonda wants her to think about all the ways she uses these people as a scapegoat for her unresolved issues of the past that she has yet to confront. She wants her to start paying attention to how she doesn’t matter to these people, what triggers her. She holds up a picture of Jodi. Kim: She disrespects me, tries to control me, dismisses me. Rhonda: I want you to do that for every housemate and every one of your biological family members. Kim holds each picture and starts to write down what triggers her and says she will not think about what irritates or annoys her but what really triggers her to have the feeling of “I don’t matter.”
Jill walks into the spa and there at the receptionist desk is Lynelle, former SO housemate from last season. They say hello and then Jill has a manicure and pedicure. Jill in voiceover: I have to really put my best foot forward on this date and not be so nervous. My last blind date was, sort of like a bad root canal. Literally, the first words out of his mouth were, “Wow, I didn’t know you were that fat!” Jill then gets her make up done.
Kelly’s bubbles are full of words, like she is toxic, she is a bitch. She is always asking herself why don’t people like me? She doesn’t want to be like this anymore.
Rhonda in confessional: Kelly’s been afraid to touch, feel, has learned to withdraw instead of reaching out.
Rhonda pulls out a straightjacket and puts Kelly in it. Kelly laughs at first, then winces, and then looks annoyed.
Rhonda in confessional: Kelly has, in essence, been straight jacketing herself, keeping herself in bondage and fear because she is so afraid to reach out to others and be vulnerable and weak. Well, Kelly, this straitjacket is yours to keep unless you’re willing to truly be yourself, which is to be loving, vulnerable and weak.
Rhonda: This is what you’re afraid of. This is your deepest fear. Kelly: What’s the big deal? Rhonda: Okay, then you won’t be afraid to be alone in here, with your thoughts, by yourself. Have a good afternoon. She leaves Kelly in the room by herself. Kelly: Why are we doing this? I don’t like it, this isn’t what I came here for, why would she do this to me? It makes me sad. She slides down the floor and sits. In voiceover: It’s terrible. Having this thing on is terrible, there’s nothing good about it, except for the lesson I’m learning right now. I don’t know if I’ve spent my whole life with my hands tied behind my back as much as I have tied the people in my life’s hands behind them. Being in the straightjacket makes me realize that this is how I put everyone in my life…helpless.
Rhonda comes back to see Kim, and says of the picture of her mom, that Kim looks just liker her. Kim says she doesn’t really know much about her and Rhonda says but you do treat everyone as if she’s the center of your life. Kim doesn’t
Kim projects all of her issues with her mother onto everyone else in her life. If Kim doesn’t give up the fantasy of rewriting her past, then she’s going to miss out on all the love and support of the people that are in her life right now.
Rhonda: Let’s see how you’ve been placing the burdens on everybody else. They look at Jeff’s picture. Kim: Selfish, ignores, no partnership, no empathy, no kissing or touching. Rhonda: You want to stay married to him??? Is it him? Kim: That’s what I don’t know. Rhonda puts Jeff’s picture over her mother’s face. Rhonda: Can you even see him clearly? Kim: I can’t. Rhonda: Because what does everything filter through? Kim: That I don’t matter, I’m unlovable, what does it matter, he’s going to leave anyway. Rhonda: All I’ve heard you ever say from the minute you got here is he is not enough, he doesn’t love me the way I need to be loved. Kim: And I don’t even know what that’s like. Rhonda: Exactly, it’s like he’s supposed to make up for it. That’s your mom. Your mom is supposed to make up for it. Jeff cannot take the feelings away that you don’t matter, you have to do that. She holds up Jax’s picture. How does your son make you feel you don’t matter? Kim: Wants daddy, doesn’t get excited when we’re reunited. Rhonda: When are you going to decide to clean everyone’s slate, find out who they are, instead of how they’re going to make up for the past?
Kim in confessional: I am basically sabotaging my own relationships because there’s no amount of love that I can get from any of those people for what my mom did.
Rhonda puts Jax ‘s picture up and says that he has to pay for what your mom did. Every reaction you ever created that you have in your life right now is a reflection of your relationship with your mother.
Jodi and Jill are going through her clothes and trying to find the right one. Jill chooses a bright pink shirt. Jill: This is pathetic. The last time I went on a date had to be a good… you know, a real date... at least 6 years. On the one hand I want to be really cute; on the other hand I want to be comfortable. I’m just a mess right now!!
Rhonda goes back to Kelly. Kelly asks if she’s going to take it off. Rhonda: Why would I do that? (She looks at the bubbles.) You believe that people are thinking these things about you. And that gives you permission to live your life this way, hurting yourself and hurting others and that’s what the straightjacket is for, because when you wear a straightjacket you can’t hurt anybody. Kelly: How do I get out of it? Rhonda: Change the thoughts. Is that easy to do? Kelly: No, it’s not. I want it to come off. Rhonda: How bad? Kelly: Real bad. Rhonda: Intimacy, vulnerability, equals weakness, equals breaking down. You have an opportunity to do the thing you fear, be weak, ask for help. Kelly: I guess I’m just scared. Rhonda: Of what? Kelly: Of having to ask. Rhonda: What’s your biggest fear? Kelly: Jodi. I don’t want her to be talking behind the door about me. Rhonda: You could ask her not to. Kelly: Then she might say she never has been. Rhonda: Right! You think everyone talks about you. You think you’re the topic of conversation everywhere.
Rhonda in confessional: Kelly’s always been afraid that she’s just like her mother and that she too will have a mental illness and be institutionalized, so the straight jacket really brings a message home. She must learn to be vulnerable, weak, and ask for help.
Kelly walks into the house in her straight jacket and sees Christie. Kelly: You guys are going to have to help me a little bit today with feeling weak. Christie: Help you with what? Then Lisa walks in. “Oh, honey…” Lisa is so sympathetic. Lisa walks over and hugs her and says “you’re okay.” Jodi comes in with hands covering her mouth. Kelly: See what I have on? When they asked me what I was scared of, I said it was you. I just don’t want you to get the best of me.
Jodi in confessional: When I first see Kelly in the straightjacket I was completely sensitive and scared for her. I think a lot of the things she’s been feeling for me are in her head that I trigger for her and that’s not actually the way I am.
We see Jodi on her knees in front of Kelly, feeding her. Kelly: I love this. Jodi: is it weird? Kelly says no.
Kelly in confessional: They were so willing to help me, just so sweet and nice. Kelly starts to cry and says she just feels stupid.
Jodi goes to Kelly and wraps her arms around her. Kelly: I can’t hug you back. Jodi: I know but I can hug you. Kelly, crying: I’m sorry. Jodi: I know baby, I’m sorry too. And this just makes me sick for you. I would never laugh at this or you. She continues to hold her.
Jill is smoking a cigarette, ready for her date, and says she doesn’t want to put so much pressure on herself and she’s just nervous. Jodi comes looking for her to drive her to the restaurant for her date. Jill: It’s really important for me to get past this first date. If I can at least get through it and not revert back to either my old self or a puddle of tears, then maybe I’ll consider having other ones. Jill walks into the house and Kim comes forward and hugs her. She and Kelly tell her she looks beautiful. Jill: I’m feeling a hot flash. Lisa: Okay, well get her outside! Everyone laughs. Jill walks to the car with Jodi. Jill: what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. We know I won’t die. Jodi: No, you’re not gonna die. In fact, you might just have a damn good time.
Kelly and the rest of the housemates back at the house. Kelly says that it sucks; being in the straightjacket, but the asking for help is not so bad. Kelly: I need help, obviously. The problem is, I feel like I’ve been having a complete breakdown for the last 5 years and nobody noticed, hello, I need some help!
Rhonda comes to the door. She asks the houseguests if Kelly has been asking for help, and they all say she has. Rhonda: Otherwise, she’s a cheater-wheater. The women say they fed her, got her water, fed her candy kisses and someone made her a sandwich. Kelly said they wiped her tears. Kelly: I felt good needing the help, asking someone to do something for me. Rhonda: maybe asking for help is the thing we all need to have peace of mind. Rhonda walks away with her arm around Kelly. Rhonda: Let’s go, mental patient.
Rhonda and Kelly go back to the room she had been in. They look at the thought bubbles and Rhonda asks her if they look different to her at all. Kelly: Yes, the way it was, was going to make me crazy. The people in my life need to know that I need them. Rhonda removes the straightjacket and says: Remember, you feel like you’re in a straightjacket when you’re hurting yourself or others, and that’s what you’ve been doing.
Rhonda in confessional: Kelly has, in essence, been straight jacketing herself, keeping herself in bondage and fear because she is so afraid to reach out to others, so afraid to be open and loving, so afraid to be vulnerable and weak.
Rhonda: Now what do you want to think? There are blank papers over the thought bubbles and Kelly begins to write that she needs people, support and love.
Kelly in confessional: I think after this straightjacket assignment I’m going to be able to go home and ask for help, I’m going to be able to need my family. It’s not going to be just about me and what I need, it will be about what other people need and they need to know that they’re wanted.
Rhonda: So go ahead and read to me what you want to say to your children. Kelly: I am so proud of you, you are doing so good at school, I am blessed, I need your support, I need you to just hold me, I trust you, I love you and I need you. Rhonda: Welcome to the SO house. Kelly puts her head on her shoulder and cries.
Jill has arrived at the restaurant and George is waiting for her.
Jill in voiceover: I would do anything not to go. Anything at all!
Jill: Hi, are you George? George: I am. Jill: How are you? He has a big smile on his face and is clearly pleased to meet Jill. He is tall, a little older than Jill with a great smile and very handsome.
Jill in confessional: Hyperventilating is not that far away!
Jill: So have you been here before? George: No. Oh, okay. They settle in at a table. George is still smiling widely and his eyes are opened up, leaning in toward Jill.
Jill in confessional: Clearly I would rather be in a dentist’s chair.
The waitress goes to get them a wine list and George asks if she is old enough for alcohol. Jill laughs: Surely you jest.
Jill in confessional: I know he wants to go out with someone thinner, or cuter, or longer hair, or better boobs or something, anything.
George folds his hands and looks at her closely while smiling and tells her she is very funny. Jill: Why, thank you. That’s what they tell me around the house. George: You enjoy life. He nods to her. Jill: Yeah, I do. I do. He nods. George: Yeah.
Jill in confessional: I’m sitting here and I’m hearing the words come out of George’s mouth and it’s not what he’s thinking and it’s not what I’m thinking.
Jill: So what brought you to LA? George: Work, and my son lives in northern California. Jill: How old is he? George: He’s thirty. Jill: Thirty? How old are you? He leans in and tells her but we can’t hear what he says. Jill: Are you serious? Beautiful. George: You’re a fabulous woman. Jill: Why, thank you. George: Yeah, you look good in pink, too.
Jill in confessional: I’m thinking, yeah, he’s saying X Y Z but what he really meant was, wow, I didn’t know you were that fat! (George continues to lean toward her with a big smile and is clearly interested.)
George: It’s been a pleasure to meet you. George continues to nod while he speaks. Jill: Why, thank you. I enjoyed it. It was a lot less painful than I thought it would be. George: Well, that’s refreshing. Jill: Well, I don’t usually go out with people that are really balanced. George: Well, see we’re going to set the bar a little higher. Jill: Yes, you have definitely set the bar higher. Thank you very much. He comes over to her and offers his hand to help her out of her seat. Jill: Thank you ,sir. She stands up and he asks if he can have a hug. Jill: Yes, you can. They hug and George kisses her on the cheek while hugging.
Jill in confessional: The evening went remarkably well! I thought George was attractive. He had great teeth! Nice eyes, Salt and pepper hair, tall, attentive
They walk to the car and George says, you know we’re holding hands. Jill: Yes, I did notice that. They laugh; he opens the door for her. Jill: Thank you very much. I’ll talk to you soon. George: I’ll talk to you soon. Bye.
The van drives away. Jodi: Tell me everything! First of all…hello…cutie!!! Jill: Yes, he was cute. He had great teeth. Jodi: So how would you rate that as a first date? Jill: I would rate it about an 8. Jodi: And what would have made it a 10? Jill: Wild sex afterward…they laugh.
Back at the house, Kelly gets a phone call from her husband, David. David: How are you doing? Kelly: I had a hard day today (she wipes her eyes). David: You had a hard day? I’m sorry. Are you okay now? Kelly: Yeah, just…realizations, you know? And you know what, Dave? I need you. I want you to know that. Dave: Yeah? I hope so. I need you a lot. You just proved it. Kelly: I just want you to know that I need you and I love you. You’re a huge part of my world.
Jill comes into the house and all the women are on the couches, wanting to know what happened. Jodi: He was a Hottie!!! Jill: Yeah, he was cute. And older, and we had a nice dinner, and we talked and I wasn’t nervous. Kelly: Does he want to see you again? Jill: Well, yeah. It was a great first date. Kim: So he wants to see you after you leave. I wish we could have got to meet him.
Jill in confessional: You know, maybe these kinds of dates turn into romantic dates. I don’t know.
Ilanya and Jill talk on the phone, and Jill tells her the date was very nice. Ilanya: So you survived. Jill: Yes, I survived. Ilanya: And he didn’t tell you you were fat. Jill: No. Ilanya: He’s male and he’s alive. Jill: Okay…she laughs. He asked me something and I started to sweat and he asked, am I making you hot? And he held my hand and walked me to the car. He went to hug me and I just turned, it was just reflex, I don’t know. Ilanya: How did it feel? Jill: It was nice, I mean, he complimented me and I just accepted it and said thank you.
Jill in confessional: I think tonight’s date is opening the book of love. It’s the introduction, it’s the acknowledgement page.
Ilanya: So you can go to sleep tonight with a smile on your face. Jill: Yes, and I do.
Next on Starting Over:
Lisa’s struggle isn’t over. To Ilanya: Every time someone gets close to me, I freak out. I just don’t want them to know what’s going on in my life, I’m ashamed of it.
Christie isn’t in a forgiving mood. To Rhonda: She caused me a lot of pain. I just don’t trust her. I don’t want a relationship with my mother.
Kim and Christie face the women they tried to forget. Rhonda to Kim and Christie: If you get close to your mom, and you find out things about your mom as a woman, you might have to face some things about yourself.
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