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Jodi is in the kitchen making breakfast as the day starts. In confessional: Having day after day be extremely emotional, is tiring. It’s very difficult to uncover a lot of things in my past or situations that I haven’t really spent the time dealing with. I know that’s why I’m here and I’m just trying to take it day by day and sometimes hour by hour.
Christie calls her ex-boyfriend Justin. In confessional: I broke up with Justin, I know it’s for the best, but I’m feeling lonely and I want to connect with someone. So I’m calling him but I know that it’s not the right thing to do. Something is going on inside of me that I need to use my vices to feel fulfilled. So I can’t drink and now I’m calling Justin. Christie: My relationships are going to have to change, even with my sister; it’s not going to be partying like that. It’s going to be going to my niece’s and nephew’s soccer games, which I should be doing anyway. They’re my priority, not sitting in some bar and getting drunk all weekend. Justin: But you have to realize too that it’s not like we did that all the time. Christie: I just want whoever’s in my life, no matter what, whether it be my sister or you or whatever relationships I have, I want them to have the same philosophy and outlook that I have. Maybe you should start talking to somebody now so that we’re on the same page once I get home, and I can’t offer you any promises once I get home. Justin: And at this point I can’t offer you any promises. From now on out, and you didn’t offer me any promises from the day I met you. I’m emotionally drained and I’m done, I don’t know what else to do. Christie: I’m sorry that you’re hurting. I don’t know how else to help you, Justin, and I love you and I care for you and I hope you find whatever you’re looking for. (He laughs and says..I mean…Christie cuts him off). I have to go. I really have to go now. Okay? Okay, bye-bye. (She doesn’t give Justin a chance to respond.) She hangs up the phone.
Ilanya meets with Lisa.
Ilanya in confessional: Lisa’s assignment was to turn her fairy tale into a letter, and to send that letter to family and friends, sharing with them the true story of her life, instead of the fictional one she’s been trying to lead.
Ilanya: Talk to me about the letters, did you mail them? Lisa: Yeah, I mailed them yesterday and getting them ready was not hard, or putting addresses on them it was when I went to drop them off. And I don’t know how they’re going to react. Ilanya: Let’s talk about some of the things you’re going to put in the letter. Give me an example. Lisa: About being a villain. Yes, okay so let’s hold that right there. I’ve been a villain. Speak it. Lisa: I’ve been a villain. Ilanya: Oh really, do you believe that? I believe that now. Well, it doesn’t sound like you believe it. In your voice, you can’t worry about judgment. You have to speak your experience, whether or not people agree. Let’s get some practice, why don’t we? Are your housemates here?
Ilanya in confessional: Lisa needs a reality check so I’m asking her to begin speaking the true story of her life, just as she wrote in her letters to her family and friends. This is the only way that Lisa is going to step out of the fairy tale so she can begin to rebuild the ruins of her life.
They walk to find Jill at the computer. Ilanya: Here’s one! Tell her! Lisa: I’ve been in denial. All my life, I’ve lived a lie. (she starts to cry and puts her face in her hands.) This is hard for to tell…Ilanya: Uh-uh! Courage and conviction, straighten your back! Straighten your back up…take a breath, tell your story. Courage and conviction! Lisa takes a deep breath.
Rhonda in confessional: I’m meeting with Christie today because I want to see if she’s been lonely, how about Justin, and how about her feelings of wanting a drink? Have they been strong, or has she been stronger?
Christie: I realize that it’s just not attractive to me to have someone in my life who doesn’t want to grow and learn about themselves and dig deep. And I had a feeling yesterday that’s come over me before, but when you’re starting to feel strong, and maybe you can relate to this…it’s like, man, I’m feeling strong, I could have a drink! Rhonda, sarcastically: Totally! Christie: And totally handle it, I wouldn’t go over the top, but I’ve told myself that so many times and then let myself down that I can’t even go there now, I won’t go there. Rhonda: Isn’t it fascinating that when you’re feeling good, you want a drink? That’s what makes you and I alcoholics. It’s like okay, if I’m feeling good why don’t I want to go scuba diving or sailing or surfing? Why is one of the first thoughts, you know I’m feeling strong, I think I could have a drink! Why would our brains even go there? So today I want you to get support. Because I think support is critical. So I’m asking you to go to a support group today.
Rhonda in confessional: There are many programs to confront addictions. Christie is familiar with the 12 step program. Well today I’m introducing her to another option called Passages. The more that Christie knows the options she has, the more likely she’ll be able to use them.
Rhonda: The most important thing I hope you get in the SO house, really for you specifically, is that you must choose you. Because, as an addict, it’s very easy to choose everyone else. And in order for you to really embrace your life, you’re going to have to choose you.
Lisa to Jill: I’ve been in denial all my life and I’ve lived a lie and everything that I’ve done, it comes out as a lie. It’s the only way I’ve ever known it. So I go on pretending that everything is great when it isn’t. So I just wanted you to know that, Jill. Jill: Thank you for sharing. Ilanya: See it’s not about how they respond; it’s about you standing in it. Standing in it won’t break you, denying it will. It’ll eat your life away. Poison…weeds…strangling out your life, you can’t see clear cause you gotta keep juggling your lies. You deny your voice, you live behind a mask, you play this game, and everybody knows anyway, Lisa. People aren’t stupid. You’ve been a villain, and the person you’ve been destroying is you. You’ve been manipulative, you’ve been dishonest, and you’ve been unfulfilled. That’s the truth, Lisa, and you did it. And you know what, Lisa? People love you anyway, sweetie. They love you anyway, Lisa.
Lisa in confessional: It’s so hard to take out all this junk that I’ve got in me and release it and I’ve been pretending that everything is good when it isn’t. My feeling about it is that people hate people that are liars, so it’s definitely challenging for me.
Ilanya: And you turned your back on the love by holding your voice back.
Jill, Kim and Christie in the kitchen. Jill: She had 30 days. If in 30 days she does not complete what Rhonda told her to do, she’s not gonna graduate!
Christie in confessional: Lisa #1 has been home for awhile now and has not returned any calls, and I’m wondering if she’s embarrassed. I hope that she can come back and graduate.
Jill: See, part of Lisa’s problem is like mine, is knowing how to reach out for support. So the fact that she didn’t for so many days, when it had to be really crucial, is the old patterns, and so when Lisa went home, and you know it had to be the roughest the first couple of days, and she wouldn’t return anyone’s phone call, that’s an old pattern. Kim: Yeah, she was in denial and it was just kind of like, you know how she always sabotages herself, so then she was dumped there and she was like telling herself, I can do this, and just take it one day at a time but you’re right, of course she got our phone calls. Why wasn’t she calling us back? Jill: Yeah. Christie: Yeah. Jill: So she has no power…
Ilanya and Lisa. Ilanya: It’s a sad thing when a woman loses her voice. It’s a very sad thing. So I’ve enlisted the help of someone that I think is going to help you find your voice today, speak your truth with courage and conviction. Two poets, because poetry is not just words that rhyme, poetry is the ability to stand in our voice and project that back into the world.
Ilanya in confessional: Lisa’s made a good first step towards using her voice, but she must continue the work until she realizes that she can speak her truth and survive, Lisa will remain miserable and disempowered.
Christie in confessional: When I’m feeling lonely and needy and overwhelmed, that’s when the addictions surface for me. I might want to have a drink, and I really need to make that connection and choose another behavior.
Jodi meets with Ilanya.
Ilanya in confessional: Jodi’s working on the step of looking in the mirror of self, and when she looks she sees that her body has some excess weight that she’d like to release. I’m meeting with her this morning to talk about how she picked the weight up and how she plans to put it down.
Ilanya: So I heard from Dr. Stan that it is your intention to release 45 pounds. Jodi: Yeah. Ilanya: That’s a lot. So you want to release weight to get to where, what is it that you want to feel? Jodi: Just to feel a little bit more confident in my own skin. The heaviness, it just doesn’t need to be here anymore. It’s time to let that go. Ilanya: So let’s talk about the emotional eating. Tell me what triggers it up. Jodi: Sadness and loneliness and boredom. Ilanya: Okay, do you ever stop to connect with the feelings or do you just do it unconsciously? Jodi: It’s, um, you know, having a bulimic background, I think I always go to that place that I could release it. Ilanya: Tell me about the bulimia. Jodi: The bulimia started in high school with a friend of mine, and it was something we would do together, we would just chow and so I really did keep that for a long time in high school and even into college. Ilanya: So you would binge and purge? Jodi: Yeah. Ilanya: I want us to focus today on the emotional eating. So I have this wonderful board that I’ve created for you and I have these magnets. My encouragement to you is to put this board on the refrigerator and every time you get ready to eat, I want you to ask yourself some questions…like how am I feeling?
Jodi in confessional: There are a lot of emotions going around in my head right now, and I’m still just trying to digest everything I’ve learned about my childhood, living with my father much longer than I thought, so to start tapping into my food addictions is difficult.
Ilanya: Those feelings are what we want to get to. Cause that is what leads to the eating.
Christie as she drives the van: Rhonda is sending me to a support group for addiction, and I’m excited about going, I’ve been to support groups before, and we’ll see how it goes. She drives up to a beautiful mansion-type home. In confessional: As I walk into the group, I see that all these people have money, and education, and we’re sitting on top of this beautiful cliff overlooking the beach, so I get that feeling of inadequacy. It reminded me of Preppyville and I haven’t grown up that way, so I feel a little bit intimidated, especially because it’s a philosophy that I don’t understand yet. Chris Prentiss, Passages director: the reason that we’re here today is to tell you what works for us, and see if it might help you and work for you. Jennifer/Member: What we’re learning is that you have to love yourself and get down to the core problems that you have and why you were drinking or abusing or doing whatever it was to cover up the problems and push them down. Danielle/Member: the only person you really have at the end of the day, even if you have best friends, that’s great, but you have to live with yourself, every day, always. So if your own house isn’t in order, how can you take care of someone else’s? Director: we believe that all substance abuse is due to underlying conditions. Nobody sets out to be an alcoholic or junkie; we do it to cope with life. At Passages we don’t treat people for drugs and alcohol. They are what people are using to cope with underlying conditions. I don’t mean to make light of anyone’s dependency, but what’s difficult to cure are those things that created our need for those things in the first place.
Jodi and Ilanya meet. Ilanya: Why do you want to release the weight? Jodi: I’m tired of hiding myself, and punishing myself. Cause weight was a punishment for me. Ilanya: For? Jodi: The abortion. Ilanya: Why did you need to be punished because you had an abortion? Jodi: Because I didn’t know who the father was, I had been dating 3 men at the same time, that wasn’t my character, I wasn’t honoring my authentic self. Ilanya: So was it the abortion or was it dishonoring yourself by sleeping with 3 different men? Jodi: It was a combination of both. The experience of the abortion was horrible for me. I had never gone through that. Though I do believe it’s a woman’s choice, it won’t ever be a choice for me again. I was humiliated, I was scared, and I don’t know how to phrase that but just the reality of the ending of that, the closure of it, the complete it’s gone… I wasn’t prepared for that at all. And then to have my niece be born, it was so in my face, holding that child and loving that child and realizing what I had done. Jodi is crying.
Ilanya: Have you ever said goodbye to that child? Jodi: I don’t think so. Actually, no. Ilanya: So what would happen if you wrote that baby a letter? Jodi: Wow. I probably should try to do that. Ilanya: A nice letter, letting it go. Jodi: I don’t know how you…Ilanya: I’m sorry that we didn’t get to meet each other face to face, and I want to explain to you why I had to let you go. How about that? Jodi is wiping her eyes. Jodi: I think that would be really good to do. Ilanya: Give yourself permission to let yourself off the hook.
Back at Passages… Ross/Member: My father died when I was 11 years old and a lot of stuff before I came here, you’re thrown into counseling and all this stuff, then this woman down at passages opened up this door and got me back to this area now that I have so much self confidence, before I had to use drugs to basically stand up to anyone, and I’ve got this backing now. Director: Ross is a typical situation where someone finds out that there was something that happened to them at some early point in their life that caused this hole, this rift, and then have been filling it with drugs and alcohol and try to fill this hole up inside. And universally what we find…loneliness. People are lonely and they have lost a part of themselves inside that makes them whole, makes them feel fulfilled, able to be content within themselves. It feels as if there’s something missing, right? Christie: There’s always this emptiness or loneliness, whether rejection or feeling ignored, I was feeling it always came back down to loneliness for me.
Christie in confessional: I felt so all alone that I have used food, and men, and money and pills and alcohol to try to fill that void and that emptiness.
Director: We’ve found there are only 4 causes of drug use. The first is chemical imbalance, which is glandular malfunction, 2nd events from the past that we haven’t been able to reconcile. The 3rd thing is current conditions with which we can’t cope (marriage, business, and stress) and the last thing is beliefs that we have that are not based on what’s true.
Christie in confessional: My conflict is what I’ve learned before, that alcoholism is a disease that can’t be cured, it just can be maintained and you always have to be conscious, it never goes away, and what I’m hearing from Passages is that if you can get a hold of these 4 core issues and get them maintained, then you’re addiction free. It’s a little different from what I’ve been told. It doesn’t mean I’m not open minded to it, it just means I need to get more information before I decide.
Christie shakes hands with everyone and leaves.
At the starting over house, a couple rings the doorbell.
Ilanya: I set up a very special meeting for Lisa this afternoon. She’s going to meet with two poets who are going to teach her how to speak her truth and use her voice with courage and conviction
Poetri is the man and Juren is the woman. Juren: We were advised to meet with you and work with you on how to get your thoughts out and feelings out, on how to use your words and give power to your words. Lisa: It’s hard for me to express myself sometimes, because I’m always afraid of what the other person is going to think, or how I’m going to hurt them with what I say. Poetri: I’m sure you’ve heard this before but you can’t worry about that. If it’s the truth, it’s only going to free you and the person you’re speaking the truth to. He has Juren listen to Lisa speak loudly, in a way to get her to listen by reading from her journal. Both Lisa and Poetri talk at the same time, and Poetri is much louder. He is more forceful and Lisa is somewhat drowned out in what she is trying to say. They ask how she feels. Lisa says very confused. Juren says she was supposed to be focusing on Lisa but all she got from her was that she was nervous, not saying what she needs to say to be heard. Poetri says she needs to have more passion in what she is saying.
Jodi is writing her letter and crying. We see her writing her letter while lying on her bed and then she talks in confessional.
Jodi: Ilanya wants me to write a letter to the unborn child that I terminated. All these emotions have been so deep inside me for so long and it’s killing me. It wasn’t the pretty package that I always wanted for myself. And I do know now that the package doesn’t really matter. I would give anything to have that child now. She breaks down in uncontrollable sobs.
Poetri reads a verse of a poem he wrote: So I was here wondering about all the “what ifs” in the world, almost in tears questioning what I could do to make my life better, and suddenly I was sitting on the outskirts of reality, away from all the strings attached in the real world, in a town called You Can Do Whatever You Want. I want you to finish it. So if you were in this town, where you could do whatever you want, what would you do? Juren: Just write it and just get it out, you have to do that, you have to let yourself release and say I’m upset, I’m angry, or I’m so happy, or pissed off. Get it out. Otherwise you’re killing yourself.
Lisa in confessional: I’m sitting and talking about using my voice and to express it with poetry and I’ve got to do this. What I want, I want to heal. So in order to do that, I’ve got to find my voice and I’ve got to move on and do it.
Poetri, looks at the couch: So this is Tony, now Tony is the pillow and he’s real. Juren: so look at this when you’re talking to him and keep talking until I tell you to stop talking. Whenever you’re ready...
Lisa (quite emotional and in tears) reads what she has written to Tony: Damn you Tony, damn you for drifting in our marriage. I’m going to be a truthful person from now on and I’m going to live for my truth and the visions I’ve always had all my life and I put them aside because of you because I wanted to keep us happy, I wanted us to love each other, that’s all I ever asked of you, for you just to show me that and you never could because you never had the time for me and it pisses me off! If I had only stuck to what I felt in my heart, I wouldn’t be here right now, but I am because of you, that’s why I’m still here, because of you. She cries and Juren comforts her.
Lisa in confessional: It is my life that I created and I couldn’t blame anyone for it. It really made me realize that my husband was right, I was trying to make him be something that he wasn’t and I was selfish about it.
Poetri: Now listen, as painful as this is, which is very painful, you living another day, just imagine another day of living like this, how free you would be. Even some freedom is gone when yelling at the pillow. Some of it is gone right there, and imagine this being Tony, but the fact is, honesty is being spoken. Juren: You didn’t stutter at all, you kept speaking, because the truth was coming out and if you have to write Tony a letter, or record yourself, you have to find some way to get it out because you’re killing yourself. Lisa: Yes that’s exactly the truth. It sounds like you know me. I hide it because I just don’t express. Poetri: Well I have a challenge for you. You are going to take this beautifully written masterpiece, and you are going to read this aloud and we’ll meet you at this location (hands her an envelope).
Christie tells Rhonda about Passages. She said she felt judgmental because they were like preppie rich kids, the founder looked like Blake Carrington, and she hated this coming out of her, but that’s how she is feeling. Rhonda asks if the only people who have problems that she can relate to are poor, homeless? Christie: Well, maybe that’s what I’m more comfortable with. Rhonda: Do they have a right to be alcoholics? Christie: Yes of course they do… Rhonda: No, really, kids that are rich that come from great backgrounds, do they reeeaaally understand what you’re going through? Christie: It’s weird, I was trying to be open-minded, and at one point Chris said, let’s talk about how everyone feels lonely and he gets to the bombshell chick and says, it’s hard to believe you every probably felt lonely, and it just threw me off. Rhonda: Isn’t your belief before your gastric surgery that if you were as beautiful as you thought you wanted to be, that you wouldn’t feel lonely? Christie: Yes. Rhonda: Why did you get so upset? Why couldn’t Mr. Blake Carrington and Miss Cutsie Chick, who cares, the fact that you describe them that way, you copped an attitude…and then the minute he (Chris) says something you don’t like, you decide that’s not what Rhonda says in the SO house. Did you emotionally take yourself out of the game at that moment? Christie: Yes. I thought it was weird. It didn’t go with my philosophy. Rhonda: No, it didn’t go with your judgments. So you’re only going to stay clean and sober if everyone is in your world the way you need them to be because if you end up meeting people like Chris, or Miss Beautiful, or whoever and not stay open minded and stay judgmental, what are the changes of you staying sober? Christie: I don’t know, that’s how I felt at the moment. Rhonda collapses on her back on the bed. Christie asks if she’s shutting her out. Rhonda: Is that what you did? Christie laughs and falls off the bed and Rhonda says to stay there, that’s where you belong, right? Rhonda: You’re not good enough to be in the palace, or hang out with Chris and the pretty chick. Rhonda puts her hand on her arm. Rhonda: Honey, what’s a group like? What’s a group? Christie: You share. Rhonda: And how do you share? Christie: You talk. Rhonda begins to imitate what Christie might say. Rhonda: I’m not feeling comfortable in this group until I admit something. I’m feeling really intimidated right now. You say, what’s up? I don’t want to shut down so I gotta say something. Okay Christie, what? Okay, this girl sitting next to me, I believe that she’s an addict, but I just want to look like her, and I’m having a moment that she’s here and that beauty doesn’t solve everything. Christie: And either does money, but you’re all driving Porsches… I mean, I wouldn’t say that but that’s how I want to share with you and be honest…Rhonda: But you’re not feeling anything, Christie, you are not feeling it, do you understand that right now I’m getting teary eyed and actually feeling something and you are like, Oh I get it ….
Rhonda in confessional: Christie’s judgments are going to be her downfall. Right now she is so busy closing herself off when she’s having a hard time relating. What Christie is not realizing yet is that there’s all kinds of support groups and you do have to find your one, but if she doesn’t learn to ask for help, then her cycle of abuse will never end.
Rhonda: Let’s put the truth on the table. You’re not really willing to tell the truth. Christie: Not unless it feels safe. Rhonda: Welcome to addiction and welcome because in the next 90 days to 120 days, maybe you’ll make it 6 months, you’ll be drinking again. Do you actually thing you can stay stuck in your head and actually be fighting for your life at the same time? Right now I’m scared for you. I’m really scared. Christie: I’m so mad at myself right now, cause you’re right, because I’ve done it over and over because that’s my pattern. I get strong enough so I can get a drink or… Rhonda: So in the SO house your gage is to go from understanding to getting it, and you’ve had one moment of getting it when it comes to loneliness. So when you’re judgmental, you have to say your judgments out loud. Your judgments point to your fears. Christie: I’m kind of ashamed of myself. Rhonda: You understand a lot but what I’d be thinking about right now is, oh my God, I’m going to drink if I don’t get this and that’s what you should be scared of.
Christie in confessional: I definitely think my lack of self esteem made me feel inadequate. I want to get it so bad, I want to feel it in my heart so bad, it scares me when I get it only intellectually.
Rhonda gets up and leaves: So you just think about all this. I’m going to leave you with the words “you gotta want it.”
Lisa goes with her housemates to Pink’s hot dogs. She will go out to speak in public with their support. Poetri and Juren are there and Poetri announces her to the crowd.
Lisa in confessional: Tonight will be a challenge for me. My level of fear is really high.
Lisa gets up in front of the crowd and reads her emotional speech that she read for the poets before. Everybody cheers.
Kim in confessional: I cannot express how proud I am of Lisa right now. I think it’s just an amazing achievement. It think she’s definitely come a long way and as she’s speaking I’m welling up with tears cause I’m so happy to see her progress and be part of her support system.
The crowd chants “LISA, LISA” and Poetri hugs Lisa.
Next on Starting Over:
Repeats of what was said Friday about Kelly and the straight jacket exercise, also Jill’s call from George. Kim opens up how she really feels about her housemates. It looks like she and Rhonda are doing an exercise. Kim: Jodi tries to control me, she disrespects me, she doesn’t accept who I am…
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