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The ladies receive a basket at the door full of hair items – hair spray, pony tail bands, etc. to turn their hair back into more like junior high. Jodi teases Kelly’s hair full like the 80’s, Lisa fluffs Kelly’s hair. Kim is away from the others, working on her hair.
Jodi in confessional: Kim definitely isolates herself from this morning’s assignment. It’s difficult for Kim to reach out to be around people and be comfortable because she was alone a lot as a child and I don’t think it’s easy for her to connect with people.
Group is with Rhonda, subject is adolescence…
The women have their hair in different girlish styles and Rhonda comes bouncing in with her hair in pigtails smiling and singing out “Hiiii everybody! Hiiiii!” She swings her arms and bounces on the chair like a 13 year old. The women are cracking up.
Rhonda in confessional: I want to talk to the ladies today about adolescence because I believe we all have that one moment of embarrassment, shame and humiliation that really defines who we are. Today the women of the starting over house are going to learn that what happened to them in childhood has been running their lives ever since.
Rhonda: Okay gang, is junior high all about hair or what? So let’s talk about our watershed moments in junior high.
Lisa: I was very popular and when I met Tony I just dropped everything, dropped all my friends, because I was madly in love and that was it.
Rhonda: So how many years have you spent punishing Tony for something you did?
Lisa: Lots of years.
Kelly tells about a time when she went to the mall and bought a cute top that had elastic around it. Kelly: I asked my mom, do you think this is okay to wear to school tomorrow? And she said oh yeah, and as soon as I sat down my teacher said go to the office. So back in those days the vice principal would drive you home, and my mother said, you show me on that paper where it says…And there I went right back to school in my shirt, and I guess I just felt so protected by her. I was happy she was my mom.
In conf: In the beginning the story is just a story, from my junior high school. But as I’m talking about it, it brings up a lot more, it brings up the fact that it’s about the last time I felt secure and safe and protected and loved, and it’s like it all went away within an instant.
Then when she got sick, I had nobody to protect me.
Rhonda: All from Junior High…
Jill: In 7th grade I liked this boy and until like one day he got on the phone said don’t call me anymore. So she got herself to the thinnest she had ever been and it still wasn’t enough. That rejection made me cut off who I am because of some belief I had that I wasn’t good enough. If you’re thinnest isn’t enough, then why get thinner and why work? Jill cries, maybe I was afraid that it will happen again. That I would do all that work and someone would say I’m not enough.
Jodi: Mine’s really horrible, but I was in 8th grad and went to a party and there was liquor there and I started drinking vodka and the next thing I know I’m waking up in the hospital getting my stomach pumped.. I went back to school and everybody knew. That’s when I learned to put the happy, brave face on and laugh it off. It was pretty bad.
So I’d like to give you an opportunity to release and let go this experience in your adolescence. Make some that represents that moment, whatever it looks like. Then at 8:00 tonight get together and hold some kind of ceremony whether you decide to burn it, frame it, whatever works.
Rhonda in confessional: Tonight I’m asking each housemate to create something that represents their adolescence so they can put it behind them and decide who they want to be, rather than letting their 12, 13, or 14 year old decide their future for them.
Jodi is crying, and says that just thinking about that feeling and I really didn’t think it defined so much of me.
Rhonda: You’re never going to look like a fool again, are you? Never look like a fool again.
Jill reaches over to Jodi and gives her a hug.
Rhonda yells, “pile up!” and all the women jump on Jodi for a group hug.
Jodi is at the computer, she has received a response to an email she sent to her dad. She reached out to him a couple days ago in regards to talking about her childhood. She is dumbstruck. She values her mother more than her father because they’ve done the work to get to that point. She says, I guess she is on a pedestal. My father and I, I guess I was never willing to do the work with him. I thought that would be a betrayal to my mother.
Rhonda meets with Kim. She wants to talk about the first time that Kim didn’t matter and Kim had to fend for herself and take care of herself. She’s wondering if it isn’t the time that her mother dropped her off at her father’s house at the age of five with her suitcase. Rhonda has her go get her little suitcase. It is worn and covered with big flowers.
Rhonda in confessional: When Kim was 5 years old her mother packed a suitcase for her and brought her to her father’s house, and left her there, never to return again. The only thing she has left from that experience is the suitcase, the thing she’s been carrying around since the day her mother left.
Rhonda: So tell me about the relationship with your mother.
Kim: Really, I was alone then. I don’t remember feeling warmth; don’t remember her hugging me, or reading books to me. I was probably 5 ½ and I didn’t’ matter. Then I guess my dad trained me, don’t be knocking on my door at 2:00 in the morning if you need something, so at an early age I just had to fend for myself. I mean that just seems to carry through my whole life.
Rhonda: So when are you going to decide that you matter?
Jodi is reading her letter and finding out that she and her sister lived with him for a lot longer than she ever knew, that her mother was getting help in a treatment center for drugs, and she and her father spent a lot of time together. Jodi: He came to see me on weekends. He would come during the week and take me to dinner, just a lot of things that I don’t have a lot of memory about. The letter opens up my heart to my father and that has been closed for a long time. Jodi is crying as she shows the letter to Jill, then she leaves the room because she is so upset.
Rhonda: I want you to do an exercise today that maybe will support you in getting touch with some feelings about when you didn’t matter and then hopefully giving you the opportunity to decide that you do matter.
I feel the suitcase lies at the heart of Kim’s trust issues. She doesn’t trust anyone. Until now, everyone has abandoned or hurt Kim. And I don’t think she’s ever recovered. She understands intellectually, but Kim has a difficult time really feeling the feelings and really truly letting go.
Rhonda: So today you’re going to take the suitcase and go to the thrift store and pack her suitcase as if you were 5 years old. And you are going to get in touch with, hopefully, if you’re willing, how it feels to be packing your belongings at 5 and get in touch with those feelings of loss and abandonment and I’m going to get together with you later and we’re going to see what’s in your suitcase.
Jodi is showing Christie her letter, who we see reading it. Christie: Amazing. Jodi: We slept on the pullout couch so I always felt like a guest in his house. Christie: Do you remember living with him for a whole year? Jodi: No
.
Jodi in confessional: The letter goes against everything I’ve told myself all my life, which is that my father doesn’t’ love me, but the letter clearly points out that he does love me.
Christie: A year is a long time for you to completely block out. What are you thinking about right now? Jodi: I feel sorry for my sister too. (Starts to sob.) She shouldn’t have had to sacrifice like that. She didn’t want to go.
Jodi in confessional: I think my sister would have preferred staying with my dad and I clearly wanted to go live with my mom so that put my sister in a very awkward situation to choose between going with me and my mom and staying with my dad. I now understand the pain that my sister has.
Christie: You’ll have to maybe ask her too, it might make you feel better. She might remember it totally different. I just feel all this that you take on for people. Jodi: I don’t know any different, though. Christie smiles and pats her: that’s why you’re here..
Ilanya and Jill meet. Ilanya So Miss Jill, I want us to talk about dating.
Ilanya in confessional: Jill has certain conditions she must meet before she graduates. One of them is dating. I’m meeting with her today to start talking about that.
Jill: I haven’t really put that much time into looking for what I want.
Ilanya: And what is it that you want?
Jill: A loving, kind, respectful, strong partner. Ilanya: And how do you attract that? Jill: Well, I think by being that. Ilanya: Okay. One of the things I think that happens to women is that because they meet a guy and they like the guy and they haven’t had a guy, they’re almost afraid to say this ain’t the guy. Jill: Right, and I can honestly say that that has been a lot of my experience of dating, with the first guy that showed an interest in me, because your pickings are pretty slim. Ilanya: Why? Jill: Because you’re not… well I am cute, but…I’m not a fashion model size.
Ilanya in confessional: Jill’s terrified of getting close to a man and this is the fear that’s been running Jill’s life since her father left when she was a baby and it is the fear of being close to a man that she must conquer in order to graduate. Today we’re going to start confronting and overcoming Jill’s fear of men.
Ilanya: I’ve arranged a meeting for you. Jill: With? Ilanya: There’s a wonderful couple that works with putting people together, making a love connection but also an emotional and spiritual connection. They’re gong to be meeting with you this afternoon and talk to you about moving forward and attracting this thing called love.
Lisa asks Kelly how to make doll cutouts. Kelly tells her to try it on typing paper and fold it in half.
Lisa in confessional: As I’m thinking about the art piece I’m going to make thoughts are starting to come to my mind about friends that I’ve lost in my lifetime so I start to create people because that’s what I’m missing, so it’s a good feeling as I’m making this.
Ilanya to Jodi: What’s the matter? Jodi: Just one of those days. I got my letter from my dad.
Ilanya: Jodi has received an email from her father that’s created quite an upset, so I think we need to sit down and walk through this email line by line.
Ilanya: Wow, not at all like you remembered it. Your mom had an overdose; she was in lockup and you… Jodi: I don’t know if I believed that… Ilanya: The mind has created a story and the mind wants to be right so it will see whatever it needs to see to be right because if you opened up to this, would it be a betrayal of your mother? Jodi: In my head and heart, yes. Ilanya: Your mind wants to be right. What is it you think you need to protect your mother from? Where is that in your body? So let’s go there. Now I want you to hear this. Disconnect your brain, cause your brain is what gets you in trouble. Your mother had a drug overdose. She was locked up. And your dad came to find you, Jodi. (Jodi starts to sob.) Yeah, yeah. Just sit with it. Ride it out, ride it out. She didn’t do it on purpose, but he was looking for you, sweetie. Can you be okay with that? That he’s not an ogre. And that your mom did some irresponsible things. It doesn’t make him right or her right. But you’ve got to sit in the truth. Jodi: When I read that, it makes me feel like a child again, torn in the middle, because he says one thing and she says another. Ilanya: But you keep wanting to make him wrong. Jodi: I do. Ilanya: Yeah, in order to hold her up. And what we may have to do is let them both fall and build them up from a new level. Are you clear that that letter is not your father’s attempt to tear your mother down? Jodi: Yes. Ilanya: So what would make it better? Jodi: To not feel this overwhelming need to hold her up and this overwhelming need to feel love from him. Ilanya: He’s giving it to you and it’s not enough. Jodi: I know. It’s not enough. We have work to do. Ilanya: Uh, you have work to do (they laugh). Jodi: You have to help me. They clench hands and hug.
Kim is leaving to go to the thrift shop. She is holding the picture of her as a little girl. To the camera: The picture of that little girl, the same outfit that I remember wearing when I walked into the house holding that suitcase. And I think that if I see that little girl, then I can put myself in that place better than just walking in with the suitcase. I know it’s not going to be a fun exercise, and it’s going to invoke a lot of deep emotions in me, but I know Rhonda has a plan to get me to be that person, at whole and at peace who feels loved and matters.
Jill meets with Melvin and Sherrie Alvin, relationship specialists. They ask her about her fear of going on a date, and Jill says she know she can do it, but she keeps replaying a date from a long time ago. A friend of a friend set her up on a date and the guy didn’t know her and when he met her he said “wow, I didn’t know you were that fat!” Melvin: And you just went, I’m out of here. Jill: I’ve been in a few good relationships but the things that stand out the most are the negatives, and they stop me in my tracks when I even think of the idea of dating. Sherrie: So are you still processing or have you healed in that area? Jill: No, I am still processing and have not healed from that. Sherrie: So if it comes out again, how will you handle the situation if it comes up? Jill: I probably would call and say you know, my kitchen just overflowed. Allen: So cancel, sabotage, got it. No one ever really taught told you how to do it, so it’s more trial and error. I’m totally resigned, I don’t want to be bothered, and they shut down. Sherrie: We’re here to break the pattern and create a new start. Jill: My ideal relationship is one where we meet on a common ground. Sherrie: One of the processes we work with is distinguishing expectation from intention, so you set an intention about being on the date rather than living in expectation about being on the date. Because if you’re in an expectation, like what you’re expecting the date to be about, you’re not really present to the person across from you. Jill: I could just be myself. Allen: You could be on a date and just have fun and able to be your authentic self at the same time, then would that be like a home run? Jill: Score!! Yes!! Sherrie: Is there anything you would like us to do to support you? Jill: Go with me! (They all laugh.) Sherrie: Do you have a limited belief that there isn’t a man out there for you? Jill: They just don’t exist. My stepfather was involved in my life for a very short period and my father didn’t exist. I definitely grew up thinking the warm relationship just was not gonna happen for me. Sherrie: Would you be willing to let that go? Jill: Yes, cause I have no clue. The next step would be actually going out on a date. Allen: We have someone in mind for you already that’s gonna go out on a date with you. Jill to camera: Okay, well here we go. The date is approaching.
Jodi has sent her dad’s email to her sister and has heard back from her. She is telling Christie about her sister’s response. Jodi: She says hey, I read what dad said, what holes do you want me to fill in for you? Everything he said was true. Mom was really strung out at the time and it was a very bad time. In a way, it was the most stable life we had in a while. Glad you’re doing well, we miss you bunches. (Jodi is crying.) Funny how your mind plays tricks on you, isn’t it?
Kim comes in with her things from the thrift shop. She tells Christie and Jodi about the exercise. Kim: This suitcase…I don’t want to burn my suitcase because if my mother participates, she hasn’t seen it in 32 years and I have questions to ask her, like what the hell were you thinking? I want to show that to my mom, she hasn’t seen it since she dropped me off. I definitely have anger for my mom.
Christie in confessional: It’s so powerful to watch Kim being angry over her mother’s abandonment, leaving her in a situation to get beaten by her father.
Kim: I went and had lunch with her and her cat got attacked by this chow and was killed and I knew that she was upset but the fact that she was pissed with me because I wasn’t more freaked out and concerned with her having a cat that died, it was like, you want empathy from me about your cat. You show more sadness over your cat than you ever did over your own daughter.
Rhonda and Kim meet. Rhonda: So tell me what this little girl packed. Kim: The only thing I can remember is this one outfit (same as in the picture), and I had clunky shoes. I think from this outfit my mother did dress me cute. Rhonda: What kinds of hopes and dreams have you had to give up? The dream that your mom would come back? The dream that your dad would love you and take good care of you? Kim: That I would ever be safe. That little girl that wants to be loved I feel I’m very in touch with those feelings. I just want to know what to do with those feelings. Rhonda: And so tell me how this moment in time has affected you, today and through your life. Kim: I definitely don’t feel normal. It’s hard for me to feel loved; it’s hard for me to feel people are going to follow their promises. I don’t know what to do with how I feel. Rhonda: What does this represent? Kim: That I didn’t matter. Rhonda: What do you want to do with this stuff? She needs some room to put new stuff in. Kim: I’d definitely get rid of that suitcase, but I kind of want to save it because it’s something I’d want to work on with my mom.
Rhonda in confessional: Kim doesn’t want to let the suitcase go. Because if she lets the suitcase go, she can’t wave it in front of her mother and say, mom, why did you do this to me? What she wants is revenge.
Rhonda: This suitcase is the reason those dreams are unfulfilled and I think this suitcase has to take responsibility for that.
Kim with housemates: Kim: One part of me wants to burn this and one part wants to show it to her. That’s just being spiteful though, that’s not going to get me anywhere with my mom, so what’s the point?
Kim in confessional: The life I lead today as an adult is still being ruled by that little girl in me that is saying, remember, you don’t matter. But then there’s the other part of me that wants to honor that 5 year old child and just hang on to it and love that suitcase.
The housemates gather together to reveal to each other what they made for their ceremony.
Jodi talks about getting drunk and going to the hospital. So this represents going to school a couple days after that I felt like there was a scarlet letter burned into my forehead, and I’m going to burn it.
I was stalking a boy and I decided I was going to show him and everyone else, so I got thin and for the rest of my life, thought why bother? It was never going to be enough. She holds up a print of the pause button. I put my desire to be number one and finish and complete and I put in on pause. She holds up another print and now she has a fast forward button. But the whole dating experience, she’ll just press play. She’s going to keep hers.
Lisa has a poster of people all over it. When she found the love of her life, she gave it all up and wants to regain back her friends, and that’s what she’s going to work at.
Kelly has a picture she made of her shirt and says this is how my mother protected me and after she went in the hospital I felt like I didn’t have a voice and I forgive her and we’re going to have a good future, and it’s my mother.
Kim has her suitcase. Kim: It didn’t matter to the dad I was dropped off with it. Rhonda had me look at the picture of me and said I need to honor that little girl I want to burn it. I want to get rid of it, and I’m ready to get rid of it. It’s just perpetuating the life I have now. So why hang onto it? Let’s burn…
They all go down to the pool and the fireplace. Jodi goes up first.
Jodi: this is to learning to be okay with being human. She throws it in the fireplace.
Kelly: and this is to never be embarrassed by my mother again. She throws it in the fire.
Kim: here’s to really feeling in myself that I do matter, and that I could allow myself to live these dreams. She bends down and puts it in the fire, turns and looks at the women and says, Here’s to starting over! She puts it in the fireplace and the women whoop for her. Jill: Yeah, Kimmie!
Kelly: It is smoking and burning. It’s like a love/hate relationship with that suitcase because it signifies all she knows, it signifies who she is. We let one incident in our life rule the rest of our life, up until now.
I kind of feel I might be deprived of what I want to show my mom. But what’s the point of that? I could have the suitcase or not have the suitcase and still express my anger and hopefully get to a place where I could forgive her, so I’m okay with giving it up. It’s just so emotional for me; I have never seen more beautiful flames. It made me realize I was beautiful, lovable and worthy all along, but I kept it in that little bag for so long and to see those beautiful flames to come out of the thing that was holding me back, was just surreal..
Kim cries next to the fireplace. Jodi comes over and gives her a hug and rubs her back. There is a genuine feeling of love and warmth and support between the women as they watch the fire and comfort Kim.
Next on Starting Over:
Lisa is forced to face the truth. Ilanya: You can’t see clear because you gotta keep juggling the lies. You’ve been manipulative. You’ve been dishonest.
Christie’s past is too much to fight. Rhonda: You’re not feeling anything. Let’s put the truth on the table. What are the chances of you staying sober?
The women still can’t get a hold of their former roommate, Lisa. Jill: What would you spend all the time in this house for… Kim: of course she got our phones calls, why wasn’t she calling us back?
Jill gets a big surprise. We see her taking a phone call. Hi, this is George. Jill: George? George: We have a … dinner date tonight. Jill to camera: I’m just a mess right now..
And Kelly receives a shocking assignment. We see Rhonda putting a straight jacket on her. This is your deepest fear. We see Kelly sitting on the floor in the jacket, alone. Kelly: Why would she do this to me?
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