Starting Over Talk - Peer Coaching Support Site

I live with a guy who is emotionally abusive. It has been exasperating and infuriating and many times miserable trying to have a relationship with him. Leaving is not an option for me so don't tell me to do that please.

If any of you noticed, Rhonda gave a coaches tip one day as they went to a commercial about emotional abuse.
She said emiotional abuse leaves you wondering who's fault is who's. She said if you're wondering if you are emiotionally abused, you probably are. The miserable feelings leave you confused about weather he is really doing something that isn't normal or respectful or if you're really crazy or unreasonable or feeling something for no reason.

I have wondered for a long time if the women from his past relationships felt the same thing or if the way I was feeling were just my issues.
When I heard that his ex-wife might be moving out of state, I gathered my courage and called her.
Somehow, I thought I was doing a big No No. I didn't know why, but something was telling me this was not a kosher thing to do.

I was feeling so frustrated and enraged with him. He seems impossible to deal with.
I needed to hear from her if she felt the same way when she was with him. I really needed that validation and confirmation to be sure that it is real.

She was not happy to hear from me but she listened and made short comments and asked a couple questions. She was happy to belt out why she divorced him from the beginning---something stunning that knocked the breath out of me but she was very guarded about everything else. She did confirm everything I felt. She was feeling the same way in addition to the shocker final straw.

At first she said she had put their marriage behind her and moved on and she didn't really want to bring that stuff up again and she didn't want to get pulled into the middle of someone else's relationship. (However, I did not call her for advice or ask her what I should do.)

I suppose the wrong thing I did was betray him and intrude on her life. Are there more reasons why it's wrong or is this something you would do?
Can anyone relate to needing validation in an abusive realtionship? Can anyone relate to wanting to know what the ex-wife is like or what her experience with your man was like?

I would have done the same thing by asking his ex-wife. Maybe it isn't the most conventional thing to do, but sometimes you have to find creative ways to get the information you are looking for. I don't know how helpful you expected her to be, but if you found out something horrible that could possibly be a danger to you, I think you have an obligation to yourself to keep yourself safe physically, mentally, and emotionally. I wish you the very best what ever your choice may be, just make it the best decision for you even if it's the harder one.

You didn't do anything wrong IMO. The feeling of betraying him is part of the abuse cycle and not because you did.

She is more than likely still feeling the scars of his abuse. I know what both of you and the ex wife are feeling, been there myself. That could be th reason she was defensive and guarded for the most part.

I was emotionally/ mentally abused by my ex-husband. I know the road you are traveling well. Heck I was at a point where I thought I was betraying him because I was angry at it. His ex-girlfriends tried to warn me but I thought for sure things would be good, afterall he loved me and I loved him. I didn't think leaving was an option myself because of the children- til I saw the effects they suffered from being a witness/ victims themselves. It was more painful seeing my children's pain than my fear of living on my own. Leaving became the only option for my kids emotional well being in future relationships and a happy childhood.

His girlfriend after me asked about it and I didn't want to talk about it because it still hurt and I was still questioning myself. I still feared saying something because he's still in the kids lives and I don't want things I said to be used against me or them. I also realize that the present gf won't ask about the reasons I left until she is ready.

I hope things work out for you. I hope you have a support system, if you have given that up then I highly suggest you create one. If it's hard to have family and friends around then create one even if it's an online community such as this forum or something similiar and don't let it go. Creating a support system is what has made my life and my kids lives so much better. I went 7 months after I left without one... I learned the value of that.

*A good support system will give you something to stand on when you are hanging by a thread, it will shine a light when you are cowering in a dark corner. It will lighten your burden when you feel the weight of a mountain upon your shoulder, and gives you warmth when the world around you seems cold.

Hi Cat,

I read your post, I have been there, and I got out, if you want to send me a private message and I will explain more.

Wish you the best,
S

I don't know why you feel the need to validate the abuse, either in your relationship or in theirs. It is what it is, abuse, plain and simple. Whether you think it's not that bad because it's just emotional or verbal it is wrong and more than likely it will escalate. It is a power thing. All abuse is, and each time there is abuse, the abuser needs to get more and more abusive to get the high they get from the abuse. I don't know what you think leaving is not an option. Is living not an option? Don't put yourself in anymore jeopardy, get help. Most communities have domestic abuse programs, not sure, call 911 and ask. Don't put off living a good life, a life you deserve to be free of abuse whether it be JUST emotional or physical, You deserve better. I was an Emergency Room Nurse for years and I saw the best and the worst of people. There is no reason for you to live one more day in an unhealthy relationship. Talk to your clergy, talk to your family, call mental health, BUT please talk to someone. Hope this helps. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

Hey girl,

I am so sorry for what you are going through, I am hoping that you can find a safe place before he really hurts you. I am an ex wife and I think that it took alot of courage for you to make that phone call. I was not abused in my marriage, other issues forced my divorce. I would absolutely be open to any questions that another woman would have for me concerning my marriage, I would not hold back. If a man is divorced there is a reason for it and we always want to beleive what the man has to say as far as past relationships go. The men make the women out to be the bad guys, but divorce happens for a reason and it is not always the womans fault. My sister went through the whole blame the ex wife mess and now she sees why her husband was divorced in the first place, now she and his ex are friends. I just would hope that who ever my ex meets would want to know the circumstances of his divorce and if she wants the truth, she would have to come to me. He is the ultimate mama's boy and that was the problem for us, my sister's are experiencing the same thing, mother in law drama that has threatened their marriages. My ex husbands brother wife walked out on him for the same reasons. I know I cannot relate to your problems, but please be free to vent if needed. We are all women here and when one of us is getting hurt, we all hurt for you. Please keep yourself safe. Love should not have to hurt, it is a feeling that should make you feel good about yourself. Peace to you and take care.

Cyndi