Starting Over Talk - Peer Coaching Support Site

Tuesday November 22, 2005

The show starts off with the end of the BOR. Rhonda shows Lisa that she has been given a D. A D has never been given in the SO House. Lisa is beyond probation. Christina in confessional says she’s confused and doesn’t know what this means. Lisa needs to pack her bags and will live out of those bags meaning she is not living in the SO house. She is a guest. She can’t have anything in drawers, no decorations up and she will be in the SOH on a day by day basis. Rhonda says in confessional that they usually don’t give someone a third and a fourth chance but the housemates have rallied behind her again. They see a woman that has no skills that is so close to self-destruction but they are not willing to give up on her yet. Rhonda asks Lisa if she has any comments and she says thank you for giving me another chance. BOR is over. Lisa is upset and Jessica says is feels very weird that Lisa is here one day at a time. Jessica and Christina tell Lisa that they have seen changes in Lisa and that won’t be taken away.

TJ is talking to Allison about the BOR and what Allison said about TJ having panic attacks. In the future TJ would like Allison to reference herself and not TJ.

Rhonda says that Lisa got a real shock at the BOR and she needs to make some major changes if she is going to turn her life around and make some changes. Rhonda is sitting down talking to Lisa and tells her it is up to Lisa and every day she will grade herself. She knows she wants it, she is willing and Lisa’s destiny is in her hands. Lisa has to pack and move to the guestroom. Lisa is crying and says she doesn’t know what to say or do anymore. Never before has someone been so close to being kicked out and given a second chance. Rhonda tears Lisa’s name off of the door and leaves Allison’s name on. Allison asks Lisa if she wants anything to eat since she hasn’t eaten supper and Lisa says she feels she needs to get her stuff moved. Lisa is embarrassed and feels like she doesn’t deserve to be here. Jill asks Jessica and Christina how Lisa is doing and they say they give her a talk. They don’t want her to leave but want her to get it. TJ hopes it reminds Lisa they are all given an amazing gift and not to take advantage of it. Allison says she’s not mad at TJ for speaking up and being authentic at the BOR and saying that she thought Lisa should go. Allison says that she lived in the house with Tess who received two C’s. TJ said that saying Lisa should leave was one of the hardest things she has done is saying Lisa should leave. We see Lisa taking clothes off hangers, packing and moving her bags to the guest room.

It is the next morning and Christina meets with Iyanla. We see Christina’s name up and parts of the name are missing. Christina tells Iyanla it is that way because pieces of her are missing. Iyanla states in confessional that for Christina to define her values Christina needs to tell the absolute truth about her experiences. Iyanla asks what happened to the money in Vegas and she tells Iyanla that she liked to spend money. Iyanla wants Christina to tell what happened with the relationship with her father and fill in the missing pieces. She doesn’t want her to go from one relationship to another one and not have it clear and clean. She wants the missing pieces and incomplete cycle filled in. Christina realizes that she needs to be honest with herself and Iyanla and tell the truth about what she did in the past to numb the pain.

Lisa is talking to Jessica and says that she feels like everyone wanted her out. It is hard for her to concentrate because she is thinking of the BOR and being graded. She didn’t tell ehr folks about the BOR and probation because she didn’t feel like telling them.

Rhonda meets with TJ. In group yesterday she was told that TJ keeps score about what kind of support she gives them and she gives them. TJ has an assignment today and it is to keep score about how much TJ supports the housemates and how much she supports them. Rhonda wants TJ to see how imbalanced she is.

Jessica is talking to Lisa and saying that she is struggling with TJ. Lisa reminds her that TJ voted to kick ehr out of the house. Lisa says that she and TJ are a lot alike in the negative stuff. By forgiving TJ she forgive herself. TJ gets on Lisa’s nerves. Jessica says in confessional that it is hard to hear TJ set high standards for Lisa when she doesn’t reach them herself.

Christina is talking to Jill about her assignment and how she doesn’t get it. Jill thinks she does know what Iyanla is talking about. She tells Christina that she holds back what she doesn’t want to share. Christina is terrified for the future. She knows that only good will come from telling the truth but it is still scary in the process but the truth will set her free.

TJ tells the houseguests that Rhonda is there and would like to talk to all of them. They all meet and TJ explains the TJ scorecard. She tells the housemates that it will help her identify and keep score the ways they reach out to her and the way they reach out to her. Rhonda wants TJ to realize that you can‘t keep a score on love. Rhonda wants the housemates aware of the exercise so that TJ becomes aware of what they think support is compared to what TJ thinks support is. Rhonda wants the housemates to walk by the sign today and keep track. Allison is concerned that it will be disingenuous because she will be thinking of the chart all day but Rhonda tells them after a few hours but then they forget. Rhonda tells them to have a great group.

Iyanla asks them how they are living today and then asks Lisa how she is doing today after the BOR. Lisa says she is feeling like she doesn’t have a clue and doesn’t know who she is and feels vulnerable. Iyanla says that Lisa has come to the edge of what she knows so there is a new door opening up. Iyanla has Christina move over and sits down next to Lisa and Lisa gets a full hug from Iyanla and starts crying. Lisa in confessional says that she is usually flippant or defensive and now she is feeling and knows what the feeling is supposed to feel like and wants to feel it. Iyanla asks when was the last time the ladies were safe in love and Lisa says just now when Iyanla was hugging her. Christina says with her son when it is overwhelming with love. Iyanla says they know it exists and that there is nothing that enough love won’t heal. But there are things that keep us from that moment and sometimes we stop ourselves from feeling. She wants to demonstrate what that looks like in our lives. She pulls in a collection of miscellaneous and will hand them out to the ladies so they will have a clear demonstration of what happens when you have incomplete cycles of action in our lives. When our hands are full of something started but not completed. Jill says business and gets some clothes, Lisa says some type of school I can’t understand and gets a flashlight and pot. Christina says high school and gets an empty water bottle. TJ says stopping smoking and gets a platter. Allison says her diet and Jessica says staying in shape. TJ says every journal I’ve ever done. We see Jessica get a milk crate, Christina get an empty pizza box, Jill get a garbage can. This is what our life looks like when we have incomplete cycles of action. In order to eliminate incomplete cycles of action we must have closure, which is a statement and an intention. Be a great day ladies. Iyanla leaves group and tells them to leave their incomplete cycles right there.

Rhonda leaves Allison a note asking her to do something special for TJ tonight as her accountability partner. She wants her to gather up the housemates and do something to make her feel supported.

Iyanla comes to meet with Jill. Iyanla says that Jill has made incredible progress in the SOHouse. No matter how much progress you make there is an ever bigger challenge waiting just around the corner. Iyanla asks if Jill has been working on her incomplete cycle list and she says not yet but she has an idea of what they are. Iyanla asks how many are related to fear and Jill say 90%. Almost all are connected to fear. What she fears most right now is her joy. Jill wants to enjoy and not have it connected to anything bad or painful or sad. Iyanla is having Jill connect with her dreams because Jill knows how many things she started but did not complete. Every fear and incomplete cycle are connected to dreams. Iyanla wants to know what Jill’s dreams are and put them on the wheel of dreams, which Jill will fill out.

Allison is telling the houseguests she needs their help cooking dinner tonight. Jessica is saying in confessional that Rhonda is asking them to throw a party tonight to show their love and commitment to TJ but she is tired of having to prove her love and commitment.

Christina is writing down a letter that is confidential that contains the missing pieces of her life. She doesn’t want to share it with everyone because it is private but needs to share it with Iyanla.

We see TJ working on her chart. She is focusing on being aware of when she is supported and when she is supported her housemates. TJ and Jill leave in the car and are chatting. Jill understands that TJ’s thinking is in black and white and they work. TJ sets it up so that people don’t come near her or touch her. TJ takes Jill to her Jenny Craig appointment and she gained five pounds. Jill added a snack the past four days. Jill had her birthday and ate a bit more. Her consultant said that it’s good she knows what happened and is accountable instead of being in denial. Jill says that the toffee bites she made anytime snacks this week. She was inputting the extra but there is no extra output. He knows that she is so driven that he knows it won’t happen again. They will move onward and downward.

Christian and Iyanla meet and Iyanla has a present for Christina. It is Christina’s missing pieces. Christina has reasons as to what pieces are missing. The incomplete cycles in Christina’s life have a lot to do with the missing pieces in her story. What happened between Christina and her father is that he always took her mother’s side in everything and Christina always held grudges. Iyanla wants to talk to Christina about the positions she puts herself in with men. She has had abusive relationships and Iyanla wants to clean that up. Physical abuse by a man is not a road you want to start down. Iyanla asks if there is a part of Christina’s approach that unnerves men and makes them violent. Christina tells of a boyfriend in Vegas that came home drunk and was yelling at her and then slapped her. Iyanla wants Christina to find ehr missing pieces so they can make them complete. They don’t want things to come and bite them later on as secrets and missing pieces can do. Christina says that she has a present for Iyanla, which is the letter. Iyanla asks if she can read it now but Christina says no because it is private. Christina is relieved and afraid at the same time at giving the letter to Iyanla. She is wanting to et this out but she is so scared at what Iyanla will say and how she will react or what will happen. Christina feels it is very frightening.

WE see the houseguests getting ready for the party. Allison finds it difficult because her housemates don’t really want to help. Allison says it is strange to be forced to show they have unconditional love for her when it is conditional that they are being forced to unconditionally be with her. Jessica is feeling a little disconnected.

TJ and Jill are home. Lisa tells TJ that she wasn’t angry with her because she felt that everybody felt like TJ did but didn’t voice it at the BOR last night. TJ says she has been conflicted by her experience with their relationship because she would do anything for her but carry her on her back because TJ can’t carry herself. TJ said that Lisa had to get to the point she was at last night but needs to remember that they have each others back.

Iyanla meets with Jill and they go over the wheel of dreams. Iyanla tells Jill to spin it and it lands on Experience being loved by a man. When Iyanla asks what is stopping her she says something I can’t understand. Iyanla asks how her appointment went today and she says she gained five pounds and Iyanla says that is due to slippage. IT is slipping in the commitment she made to herself. Iyanla tells that someplace inside there is a broken commitment. Slippage is the little things we try to get away with when no one is looking. Iyanla has her write down her broken commitment. Cutting corners, breaking the arc, fear. They put the incomplete cycles over the dreams to demonstrate that your dream can’t come through with the incomplete cycles over them. If you don’t complete the incomplete cycles they cover your dreams. Iyanla wants her to bring them all to closure.

Lisa is doing her daily report to Rhonda and she is in constant fear and on edge. She feels like a little kid that has to answer to the adult every day. She realizes she could be out of the SOHouse any day.

Iyanla goes outside and reads the letter that Christina has written to her. Iyanla says that this letter is huge but that it will take a tremendous amount of work to mend this but she feels it is just one of many broken pieces.

Allison says that dinner is ready and they are having a dinner on styrofoam. Allison tells TJ that this dinner is in her honor to show they love her and support her. TJ says that it is awesome and thank you. She is in shock. TJ tells them that she totally disrespected them all and didn’t feel they were respecting them and was in a very childlike space and she wants to try to get connected and feel. Christina was irritated because she gave a long spiel and she zoned out. Allison says that TJ says she is uncomfortable but she busted her butt all day doing this for TJ. TJ says thank you again.

Rhonda calls Lisa and tells her she got her nightly report and that she can stay another night in the SO house. Lisa was very nervous and felt a burden has been lifted off ehr shoulders when she talked to Rhonda.

Iyanla comes to the house to look for Christina and gives her a big hug. Christina is crying. She has been building up the courage to tell Iyanla this information and has been thinking about it more and more and it feels right. Iyanla tells Christina that it is OK and that she doesn’t have to ever feel afraid but they have to deal with it. Iyanla tells Christina she did good and that this is an incomplete cycle they need to complete. What was in the letter gave Iyanla more insight how Christina endured the dark and dangerous world of being an escort that most women don’t survive. Christina tells Iyanla she was so scared and Iyanla tells her she doesn't have to be scared. Christina says Thank you.

On the next SO. . .

Christina reveals her painful past.

Allison takes a huge step back and she may not be able to make it through another day.