Starting Over Talk - Peer Coaching Support Site

I have to ask for some advice because I'm unsure about what to do about a situation. It's not anything heavy, I'd just like some other peoples' opinions on the matter.

I split up with my ex about 8 months ago after dating him for about 10 months. Things ended pretty badly. I could try and blame it all on him, but I'm equally responsible for how things ended up. A lot of stuff was left unsaid at the end and we haven't spoken since it ended.

I'm now left with a lot of stuff I wish I'd said to him, including apologising for my part in the break-up.

So, my dilemma is this....is it appropriate for me to write to him to do that, to say that stuff including an apology? I guess I'm not sure if I'm saying it for his benefit or mine.

What do you think? Should I just get on with my life?

In situations as this, I don't believe that anyone can tell you the right answer. This can only come from within you. However, if it were me, I would write the letter. I would write out all that I wanted to say - both good and bad. I would then put the letter away for a few days and go back to it. After going back to it, I would tweak it, or revise it, if needed -- until I was satisfied that all my feelings and needs were within that letter. THen, again, I would put it aside for a few days. When I go back to the letter, I would simply ask myself, is sending this letter going to change anything? Is sending this letter going to make me feel any better....any worse? If it were worth more for me to have him receive this letter, then I would send it -- otherwise I would probably burn it.

I have done this -- once in a letter to my mom, and another in a letter to my sister. The one to my mom, I ended up sending - and the response was silence. THe one to my sister I threw away. However, my sister and I were actually able to open up a discussion and I ended up saying all the things that I wrote down anyway.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that, there really is no right or wrong answer to this question. You just need to do what is best for you -- and unfortunately, or fortunately....the only one who knows that is you.

Good Luck.

I agree...this is a totally situation specific question. If sending him a letter has the likelihood of aggrivating the situation, I wouldn't bother.

I would however still write the letter and continue to tweak it FOREVER. It may help in future relationships to remind you of your boundaries; what you are and are not willing to accept.

I write a letter once a year on my late mother-in-law's birthday. In this letter, I recap my year and my goals for the year to come. She's been dead for 17 years now and is still my closest confidant! Through tough times in the year, I return to that letter, get grounded once more and back on track! It helps. It took several years before I quit apologizing for divorcing her son though, so once I had quit apologizing, I knew just how much she'd been able to help me through even in death.

Give it a try...put your heart into it. If you choose not to send it, you have less restrictions in what you allow yourself to express and it may help you heal and transition into a healthier relationship. If you choose to send it, good luck to you and I hope it helps you find the closure you're seeking.

You both give me some really good things to do and think about. Thanks both of you!

Hey there,

I am kind of in the same boat, so, I understand. Sometimes we cannot see our part in things until we are out of a situation and it takes great maturity to step up and admit our wrongs.

Having gone through this recently myself with someone I dated, I say follow your heart. I think it is noble to at least try, but, also try to let go of any expectations, and do what you think is right...because there is no right or wrong when it comes to matters of the heart. (JMO).

However, from what I read, it sounds like it is important to you that you are able to make an amends to him and even if it does not work out, you tried and though painful, you can take the good you learned from this experience and apply it to anything else going foward. Remember, it is progress not perfection.

Hope this helps. Feel free to email if you want to chat. I wish you the best.
Sojak

I don't think it would hurt to write him a letter. Just make sure you're addressing what you feel you did wrong not what he did wrong. Hope that helps.