Starting Over Talk - Peer Coaching Support Site

So sad I missed this episode
The new Pope took the whole hour
I guess sometimes it's a good thing that the show is on at 2a.m.
....then it would never be interupted
But thanks re-cappers!!! It helps

Actually honeyb, I type while watching it sometimes. Other times I watch on the VCR and take notes and then type what I wrote.

fortunately, the Pope was on right before lunch here and SO is on at 2 in the PM. Lucky for me and our recaps!

So sorry you missed it, 2. And glad I can help, momof2. I kind of enjoy doing the recaps half the time. Wouldn't want to do it all the time because I enjoy reading other peoples view on the same thing.

I guess what I was saying is that you are welcome.

thanks, tvgal

Wednesday 4/20

Iyanla meets with Allison and they are going to the hospital to have her genetic testing done. Allison downplays it and Iyanla tells her not to. She tells her that this is a big step and Allison agrees.

Iyanla leads group and we look at Rachel’s before and after pictures. Rachel is getting a makeover and it is being done by a woman named Taunya Hendricks. She is going to help Rachel get in touch with her cultural side.

Dr. Stan meets with Tess. He says he wants to talk to her about the molestation. Tess says she told her mom about it but told her that it might have been a dream. So her mom thought it was. Tess says that she had always said before that her grandmother’s death was when she started becoming detached but that she now thinks that she started after the abuse.

Allison is eating breakfast and in voice over she says that the others know that she is getting the tests done but she doesn’t think they realize what a big deal it is. She is leaving the house and Vanessa asks where she is going and Allison is walking very quickly and says real fast, “genetic testing” and Vanessa says good luck. In confessional Vanessa says that when Allison is doing something that she is afraid of that she disconnects and she wishes she wouldn’t. But that Allison has to learn to reach out to them and that she isn’t going to force herself on her. But that she wishes Allison would talk to her.

Back to Dr. Stan. He asks her if her abuser is a family member and she says yes. Dr. Stan asks if she knows if he has eve touched anyone else. She doesn’t know and Dr. Stan tells her that she should not be protecting him. He asks if she feels like she has opened up a can of worms and she says yes.

Allison is at the doctor’s. The doctor asks her what she thinks she will do if the test is positive for the gene even though she doesn’t have to decide right away. Allison says that she considers this test to be about her ovaries. She says that unless a doctor would advise against it that she has already decided to have her other breast removed. So they go draw blood.

Vanessa had met with Rhonda earlier in the day and Rhonda gave her a chart that has a picture of her as a gymnast with a graduation scale that ends with a picture of her on the couch. It says things on it that rate from being in shape to being a couch potato and she is to keep track of her eating patterns for the day. Then she meets with Rhonda again and she talks about going to the kitchen and wanting cookies but getting grapes because there were other hg’s in the kitchen. Rhonda says that she wants her to concentrate more on why she is wanting to eat every half hour.

Rachel is shopping in a store that specializes in African traditional clothing. She tries on several really pretty outfits.

Tess calls her husband Vincent and she is crying. He asks her why she is crying and she says because she dealing with stuff and he says, “the molestation?” and she starts crying and says yes. She is so whiny I couldn’t pick up everything she said but she was asking him to let her handle her way. It was a tad odd.

Iyanla sends a manicurist to Allison because she had a tough day and she is getting a pedicure. Now while she is getting this pedicure she is telling the manicurist about it but earlier when she was with the hg’s she was mum.

Cassie shows up for Rachael’s graduation. It is time and Rachael is wearing a long orange gown with a subtle appliqué at the bottom. She looks grown up and elegant. Iyanla, of course, narrates a bunch of clips of Rachael’s time in the house. Iyanla gives a very heartfelt speech and says that Rachael taught her too. That Rachael is the daughter who lost a mother and Iyanla is a mother who lost a daughter. She feels very connected to her. Iyanls tells her that she absolutely loves her.

Allison talks, then Cassie. Cassie says that of all the women she has seen go through the house that she hasn’t seen anyone leave with so much more as Rachael is. We don’t hear Rhonda or Dr. Stan. Rachel gets a $2000 gift certificate from IKEA to help decorate her new digs. They are donating $1000 to the Make a Wish Foundation in Rachel and her mom and step-dad’s name. Rachel’s words to Allison are so touching. She tells her that she was a huge part of her healing and she is so grateful that she came to the house. Then she talks to Iyanla. You can tell her words totally overwhelm Iyanla. I don’t think I have ever seen Iyanla that emotional. At least where it really appeared so personal.

At the end when Rachel is leaving and Tess is in confessional saying that she has to get the new hg this time and she hopes that she doesn’t get the roommate from hell cause she just can’t deal with that right now. (I wonder if the new woman is thinking the same thing right now? So who do you think will end up being right?)

Preview is on the grief special. It shows Towanda and Rachel and Lori. Dr. Stan tells Lori congratulations. I assume it is on her engagement.

So there goes another one. I started out not liking Rachel much and have grown to love her. I wish her well and I hope we get some answers when she does her “Where are the now?” I guess I am just going to have to hope Tess grows on me. So far she just annoys me.

Thursday April 21, 2005 Recap

Special episode- Grief and Loss

-We see Maureen saying the house went up in smoke. It is gone. Everything's lost.
-We see Rachael say that someone told her Sorry Raechey she’s gone. Your Mom she’s gone.
-We see Iyanla showing a picture of her daughter to Towanda and telling her her daughter was her best friend and Christmas last year she was gone after 15 months fighting cancer.

Rhonda starts the show by telling us that today’s episode is to support the viewers. Iyanla tells us today is about grief and loss. Dr. Stan says that when you experience a loss like grief or death it stays with you all your life. There are healthy ways and unhealthy ways to deal with grief. We deal with denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. They show various clips of Starting Over guests/graduates. Maureen and the fire and talking about her children. Rachael and losing her Mom. Towanda mad about her Dad. Lynnell upset about being separated from Hailey. Lori letting go of her hair and letting go of “us” (her husband John). Rachael at her Mom’s grave.

Loss can be of identity, love or relationships. The five stages of Grief by Elizabeth Cougar Ross are defined as Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Acceptance and Grief.

They will be bringing back Starting Over Graduates to see how the graduates worked through the five stages.

Denial- They give the example of Rachael denying her feelings for the last nine years. Two days after her Mom passed away she told the kids at school her Mom didn’t die. They show various clips of Rachael in the house talking about her loss, denial and how she worked through it. Celebrating her parent’s lives she worked through the steps.

Anger- They talk about how Towanda felt powerlessness and that brought up the anger. They show clips of how she was angry with her dad and releasing that anger. Towanda is there to tell them about how she thought her Dad was the ideal man and when he had the affair she lost trust and faith in mankind. The main turning point was forgiveness. She forgave herself for judging them and him for making mistakes. Towanda says she is good now and talks to Dad once a week and has talked to her step-mom. Towanda turned her loss into a gain and seems very much at peace about it.

Signs you may be stuck in anger-
Irritable
Easily agitated
quick to judge others
reactive to little things

Bargaining- Negotiation. This is when you are usually at rock bottom. They talk about how Lynnell went through Cancer and Motherhood. She used meddling in her children's lives as a way of bargaining. Lynnell is back to talk about how being an empty-nester is a loss. At 22 she was told she had cancer and she only thought of her lifelong dream of having children. What brought her through the tough time with cancer was never giving up her hope of having children. If you have something to live for it will bring you through the process. When Lynnell realized that ehr kids could leave her she got depressed and enmeshed in their life. They show clips of her stay in the house and how Lynnell and Hailey (Lynnell’s daughter0 treated each other. Lynnell invaded Hailey’s privacy and Hailey told her Mom to get out and let her be herself. Lynnell was grieving the loss of Hailey as a child that needs her. Lynnell struggled but let Hailey grow up. Her turning point was people telling her she was talented and that she made beautiful items with crocheting and how she made a new identity for herself beyond her kids that would make her kids proud.

Depression and feeling hopeless and helplessness. Usually lasts around 6 months. Most people don’t know they’re depressed because they are too scared to put a label on it, even though most people can see it. They talk about Maureen and how she was funny but how the humor was hiding the depression. The fire in Maureen’s apartment destroyed everything in her apartment. Maureen returned to the house to deal with the hidden depression. She lost two children. They show clips of her in the house and how she had a hard time dealing with the loss of her children.

Depression-
Don’t feel like participating in the world
Sleep a lot
Staying at home
Not engaging people
Not finding value in what you do
Not interested in others

Letting go of depression does not mean letting go of a loved one lost.

Acceptance= They talk about Lori and her loss of John. We see clips of her telling her housemates when she arrived in the house on Season 1 how John died and how she uglified herself as a part of her grief. Her marriage was wonderful. She thought if she was attractive looking she would dishonor her husband. She did everything she could to not let go. The turning point was having her hair cut off. Her husband had touched the longer part of her hair so it was difficult but she donated it. They show her getting her hair cut and letting John’s wedding ring go on the end of balloons. (I started crying. Again. Go figure.) Lori ahs learned how to meet people and get over her cares and concerns. She tells about how she met a man named Joe and that they are getting married in May. Rhonda has a huge smile on her face and is clapping. Dr. Stan asks Lori if she has any tips for women who might experience loss and grief. Lori says women should find a positive area they can grow in. Lori’s life revolved around the loss. The loyalty was making herself suffer.

Acceptance-
Recognize the loss
Have a productive life

The grieving process is complex. Some loss is unacceptable-Loss of a child, fire and theft. Iyanla says with her personal loss she knows she hasn’t accepted it and says she feels her feelings when she feels it. (Iyanla talk again!)

Rhonda wants to answer an e-mail. A viewer says that her Dad passed away two years ago. They were close and it was unaccepted. Viewer wants to know how long is too long to grieve? Dr. Stan says there is no set length to grieve but if you are stuck in one stage for 6 months it is too long. If isolating or stagnant it’s too long and you need to get professional help.

Tips for moving through loss-
Don’t isolate yourself
Acknowledge your feelings
Acknowledge your anger is about your loss
Seep professional help
Don't put someone else's time limit on your grieving process

Dr. Stan thanks everyone for watching this important episode about this important issue.

On the next Starting Over-
**Layne’s story is so painful
**Megg may not make it through the first day
**Tess opens up about the secret she had held for years

OK&gt; That’s it from here. I knew I would cry when Lori was on. That poor lady has been through a lot in her life. And I cried the first time when she had her hair cut off and let her husbands ring go. And personally dealing with the steps of grief after the loss of my angel baby made this a very interesting topic for me. I hope you all learned something out of it. Grief and Loss happens to everyone. It’s just working your way through it that makes us who we are.<br><br>Post edited by: dbmcmommy, at: 2005/04/26 11:25

Friday 4/22 from tvgal

The show starts with the arrival of Megg. Tess is being very “huggy” and outgoing with her. Tess says in confessional that she wants to make sure that she gets off on the right foot with Megg and to help her not make the same mistakes she did when she arrived.

Group is about Megg of course. Megg is from Phoenix. The first picture is of Megg as a little girl with a pony. In the background of the picture is someone in a truck and the face has been scratched off the picture. That person is her mother. Megg says her mother is mentally ill. They ask if she fears that she will someday become like her mother and she says yes. There is a picture of Megg in a glider and she says that her brother is a glider pilot and she use to fly with him. She is now afraid to fly and afraid of elevators. She says that the ironic part is that she is a travel agent. She says that about a year and a half ago she was on a cruise ship and she and a friend got on the elevator and it stopped. Megg says that she panicked and that when the doors did finally open she went flying out into the lobby. Megg’s goal is to “fully engage in life”. Iyanla tells her that she wants her to meet with Dr. Stan first.

Rhonda meets wit Tess. Rhonda wants Tess to draw a picture of herself when she was 10 yrs. old and then one when she was a pre-teen.

Vanessa shows Megg the confessional room and Megg immediately stops a few feet away and starts crying. They walk back into the kitchen and Vanessa says that she never really thought about how small the room was.

Iyanla meets with Karen. She has her stand in front of a mirror and tell her what she sees. Then she tells her to go take off her make up, jewelry and clothes and put this towel wrap on.

Megg meets with Dr. Stan. He asks how long ago she got on an elevator and she says about 4 months ago. Dr. Stan explains to her that she is actually afraid of the panic attacks, not the stimulus that she thinks brings them on. He says that during a panic attack you feel like you are going to die from it. He tells her that the good news is that you won’t.

Back to Iyanla and Karen. Karen is in the towel wrap and Iyanla asks her what she sees now. Karen says that she sees she has put on a couple extra pounds and that she has bags under her eyes and some other stuff. Then they go into Karen’s closet and Iyanla is pulling out different pieces of her clothes and asks what they say about her. Of course none of it is good. Iyanla tells her that somewhere in her closet is an outfit that says who Karen is and she wants her to find it and have it on when she meets back with her this afternoon.

Dr. Stan is telling Megg that a lot of time you never know why a panic attack is starting. Megg tells him about seeing the confessional room earlier and he says that they will work on that first then.
Tess shows Rhonda her picture from when she was 10 yrs old. The left side is happy and the right side is dark and ugly. Rhonda asks Tess what is missing from the picture and she says her molester. Rhonda tells her to draw him in the picture. Tess draws a Bible. Rhonda asks her what she would like to do to that part of the picture and she scribbles it out. Tess starts to cry and tells her about the molestation and then she says that she is just so angry and Rhonda asks if she feels like she would just like to kick some butt and Tess says yes. Rhonda tells her to meet her at the gym later that day.

Megg meets with Dr. Stan and Iyanla. They are making up her steps. They are: Identifying triggers, re-framing limiting behavior, re-wire thinking, take control and re-engage in life. Then Iyanla says that they want to visit the confessional and see what happens. They head out and Megg starts hyperventilating. They calm her down. Dr. Stan has told her that they are gong to teach her ways to calm herself when a panic attack is coming. They go into the confessional and Megg starts crying and shaking. They have her sit down and tell her that the crying and shaking won’t change anything in the room. She calms down a little. Dr. Stan says that he is now going to shut the door a little but not all the way. Megg starts to cry and they tell her to just go ahead and lose it.

Rhonda meets with Tess at the gym. There is a punching bag and Rhonda puts the picture Tess drew on it and then has her start beating the bag. Rhonda tells Tess that her assignment for that night is to get the other women together and have them draw their biggest fears and then invite them to get angry.

Back to Megg and Dr. Stan and Iyanla. Dr. Stan now calms Megg down and points out to her that all her crying didn’t change a thing. He has her look around the room and see that there is nothing dangerous in there.

Iyanla meets with Karen. Karen has on light makeup and a black shirt and pants with a floral green shawl on. It is very nice. Iyanla loves it and just goes on about how “delicious” it is. Now Karen has to describe what she sees in the mirror and of course it is all sweet and nice.

Tess has all the women around the dining room table with paper and pens. She asks them if their greatest fears make them angry. Only Allison says no. She says that she never gets angry. She gets sad and depressed. They draw their pictures and a couple of them tell what their pictures are of. Then they go to the front room and Tess is teaching them a simple Thai Bo move of punching and kicking. Allison hurts herself doing this and goes to the kitchen. They ask if she is okay and she says yes. She looks very pained. She gets a big bag of ice out and puts it between her arm and her breast. She says that she is feeling angry now because she can’t exercise like the others. The others are now punching a bag and Allison comes in and she punches the bag with one arm. She still has some ice pressed between her arm and breast. Tess tells her that that is some pretty good punching for someone who never gets angry.

Megg walks into the confessional and sits down in the chair. She squeezes her eyes shut and then gets up and walks in to the dining room and tells everyone that she went in. She gets some high fives. They ask if she cried and she says no.

Preview-
Allison has a health scare. She is in a doctor’s office taking a breathing treatment. She says that if feels like she is paralyzed. (I think it is from the injury she gave herself when they did the punching.)

Megg’s next assignment could push her over the edge. Dr. Stan is standing outside an open car door with her.

Vanessa’s fears take over. She says to Rhonda that she doesn’t want to go back there.
Rhonda is holding a bigger that life size rag doll and it has notes posted all over it with negative things Vanessa has written on them. Rhonda says, “Let’s see how mad you are.”

Tess has a melt down. They are sitting in the front room eating and Tess is crying and says, “I’m always trying to protect everyone else but myself, I’m pi$$ed off!” Then she throws her food and runs out. Then we see them sitting in group with Rhonda and she asks if Tess should stay or go and why.

CHILDHOOD TRAUMA SPECIAL
Many of the problems Iyanla, Rhonda, and Dr. Stan encounter with the women at the STARTING OVER house can be traced back to a childhood trauma. A child who experiences a trauma develops distrust of others and of themselves. Another impact of trauma is anger and depression. In this special episode, STARTING OVER graduates join the life coaches to share how they dealt with the anguish of childhood trauma.

Some people don’t consider death a trauma because it’s “natural,” but to a child the loss is devastating. Season two graduate Rachael lost both her parents to cancer when she was 12 years old. Rachael’s relatives never discussed her parents’ death or helped Rachael grieve. When a pre-pubescent child experiences a trauma that isn’t addressed, they either become angry and rebellious or become withdrawn and isolated. Dr. Stan recommends that people talk about their losses and celebrate the people who’ve impacted their lives. Ignoring death is like saying they were never here.

When the death of a major caretaker occurs a child can go through a mourning process and heal their grief. This is not the case when a child is abandoned. Season two graduate Jennifer was abandoned by her father at age 12 when he was sent to prison for life. As a result, Jennifer distrusted people and couldn’t sustain relationships with men. She also harbored resentment towards her father for leaving and believed that he didn’t love her. It wasn’t until her phone conversation with him, while in the STARING OVER process, that Jennifer realized the extent to which she made up stories. Once Jennifer accepted her father’s mistake she was able to forgive him.

Another form of childhood trauma is emotional abuse. A child is emotionally abused when their emotional needs are not met. STARTING OVER graduate Candy suffered emotional abuse by her father, who rejected Candy because she wasn’t a boy. In addition, Candy’s father placed his derogatory beliefs about women onto her. As a result, Candy didn’t feel like a woman. “Anything that denies the inherent being of a child is emotional abuse,” Iyanla explains.

Witnessing domestic violence can also traumatize a child. STARTING OVER graduate Josie observed her mother and grandmother being physically abused. Because of this, her thinking became polarized; people were either good or bad. Josie’s rigid thinking led her to isolate herself and her daughter, Chloe. Dr. Stan adds that if Josie continued to insulate Chloe, she wouldn’t develop any coping skills or any abilities to deal with conflict in her life.

Season two graduate Denise also grew up in an abusive environment where she witnessed and experienced her father’s physical abuse. Instead of isolating herself, she used her sarcastic humor to bully people. Because Denise never had guidelines set about appropriate behavior as a child, as an adult, Denise behaved any way she wanted. Dr. Stan advises women in abusive relationships to acknowledge that such behavior is not appropriate.

The life coaches receive a question from a viewer who wishes to heal lingering emotions from her abusive home, but can’t afford therapy. The life coaches suggest visiting a free clinic or a church or synagogue that has trained pastors and ministers who may be able to help. There are also hotlines and national centers with phone counselors available.

Another viewer was abandoned by her parents at a young age, and she now has a six year old daughter. She fears that she may abandon her child and asks the life coaches how she can prevent herself from repeating her past. Iyanla observes that the viewer is taking responsibility for patterns that are not hers and believes the viewer may be a candidate for psychotherapy. Dr. Stan adds that genetics do not influence behavior.