Starting Over Talk - Peer Coaching Support Site

Doggiemom filling in for TV Gal....filling in for db and hsmom!

The show starts with Layne in confessional talking about how Allison is having a very rough time with the guy on the internet dating site turning her down, and dealing with the issue of whether to have her other breast removed.

Karen asks Tess at breakfast if her thing with working on her body and how she looks is tied in with her being cheated on. Tess admits that she has a fear of being betrayed again, and that she thinks her husband's love is conditional on how she looks, to a degree. Karen tells her she is beautiful and has lots of good qualities, and the guy who would drop her is a total idiot.

Tess meets with Rhonda. Tess thinks her progress has been "suitable", but she admits there has been some resistance. Rhonda tells Tess that debating is one of her tools of defensiveness. She says that Tess is so smart that her intellect stops her from actually experiencing love. She can't align what she thinks with what she feels. Tess recounts her conversation with Karen. She mentions having a conversation with her husband early in their relationship where he talked about breaking up with several women because they had gained weight. She says their main method of conversation is debating. Rhonda wants to stop that, so she gives Tess a timer to wear around her neck. Every time she opens her mouth she is to start it, and it will go off after 20 seconds, and Tess has to stop talking. Tess starts to cry. She is afraid of being vulnerable, being disappointed, of loving. She's afraid the "real her" might come out.

Rhonda leads group, which is about defensiveness. Vanessa gets angry when she feels defensive. Allison comments that Vanessa doesn't always listen to others, Vanessa disagrees. She asks Rhonda how she can stay true to her own feelings, not just go along with others, but still be open and listen. Rhonda says by saying "Okay, that's your opinion, thanks." Tess jumps in and says that's what she does, but she's still labelled as being defensive. Rhonda says that's not what she does. Tess starts talking about how her tone is misinterpreted, but her timer goes off and stops her, twice. Rhonda comments on how this is very effective. She tells Tess that when she finds herself making long reasonings or explanations, she's being defensive.

They move on to Allison, who is defensive in a nice way. She gets self-deprecating, and changes the subject. Tess mentions that when Allison came back from her doctor appointment, she shifted the focus to Layne, instead of herself. Allison comments that she doesn't want to be seen as shallow, she's a deep person. Rhonda asks her to tell them something deep, a secret. Allison admits that she is very scared she will get cancer again. What she wants to help her deal with that fear is support from family and friends, but Rhonda points out that she can't get that if she doesn't tell them.

Tess is called to the hot seat. She agrees that she is very defensive, and is the cause of her own grief. Rhonda gives her a big shield, a sword, and one of those "viking" helmets with the big horns, this is Tess's armor. She is to practice, every time she feels like she is getting defensive, she is to make another choice. Every time she is feeling like she wants to be defensive, and she isn't, and the other HGs agree, she can take off a piece of her armor.

Iyanla meets with Karen, who admits that one reason she seeks sex is because it feels good physically. Another reason is for power. She feels powerless, so she wants to control, manipulate and dominate men. She now sees that, as much as she was using them, they were using her. Karen thinks that by dressing provocatively, she projects an image of a woman who is in control of her life. Iyanla wants her to see the reality, so her assignment is to dress up and really "flaunt it". She dresses up as slutty as she can, and finds it easy to do. This makes her feel sadness and shame.

Tess is talking to Layne and Vanessa, and is using her timer faithfully. She thinks her penchant for debating got started when she dated a lawyer, and they debated all the time. Vanessa asks her if she is open to the possibility that her husband sometimes does things that are mean to her. Tess says yes, especially in the early part of their relationship. Vanessa tells her to take off a piece of armor, she thinks that normally, Tess would have gotten really defensive about answering that question.

Iyanla arrives to pick up Karen for the rest of her assignment, and Allison asks her if she got her message. Allison says she needs to dye her hair. Iyanla notices that Allison is not wearing any makeup at all. Allison explains that she is feeling old and ugly and needs some self-confidence. Iyanla asks her how they can reframe that, and Allison says no guys want to date her. Iyanla asks if maybe they're just reflecting back what she feels about herself. Allison breaks down and says she can't feel. Iyanla hugs her and says her heart is broken, she feels like if she starts to feel, it will kill her. Allison says "It will kill me." and just sobs her heart out. Iyanla holds her and reassures her, and when Allison calms down, takes her to put her to bed for a nap. Iyanla tells her that this time she needs to honor the pain. Rachael brings some tea, and a stuffed dog that says "I love you." It was given to Iyanla by her husband, and she shares it with all the women.

Layne talks with Tess about her relatonship with her husband. Layne decides to really push her about it. Tess explains that she didn't marry him earlier, because he proposed when she was pregnant, and she didn't want to think that he only married her because she was pregnant. She says that part of it is that when you're not married, you can just walk away. For her, being married is about making a promise before God, and it's very serious. Layne points out that living with someone and having a child without being married doesn't match up with "making a promise bfore God", and Tess agrees. Layne tells her to take off another piece of armor, that she was testing her. Tess says she didn't even see their conversation as an opportunity to be defensive.

Karen is at the mall, and has to ask strangers how they would describe her. Then the people go over to Iyanla and tell her what they really think. Karen keeps telling the people to be honest. Some of the comments are: overdone, could be crazy, seeking attention, low self-esteem, extraverted, psychic friend. At the end of the assignment, Karen has learned that "you get what you ask for", and what she is expressing is "let's go get a room." Iyanla says that what they need to work on now is how to bring out the other parts of her without denying that part.

Tess meets with Rhonda to go over the assignment. Tess feels like she did excellent, she got the point of the exercise. She understands that being defensive wipes out any chance she has to be understood. She admits that her defensiveness has impacted her marriage a lot. Rhonda says she's made a big step, and it's now time to invite her husband to the house. Tess says she thinks she's ready for it, it will be a true test, it is definitely necessary.

Karen meets with Iyanla who shows her videotape of what the people said to Iyanla about Karen. Karen realizes that she was starved for attention, so she went over the top to get it, and that she's not expressing herself in the right way. Later, she says to Allison that it's time to grow up and be herself, and that this is just a costume for her.

Rachael and Tess talk in the kitchen. They both comment on how a lot is going on, everybody seems to be having breakthroughs right now. Tess asks Rachael about her faimily reunion, and really seems to be listening. Rachael is excited to meet her 6 brothers and sisters, but she really doesn't know what to think about it.

Iyanla and Allison talk again. Allison says her heart is broken, but her spirit is there, and that's what will see her through. She says that Layne had said that while everyone is going through a lot, Allison is going through a bit more. Iyanla doesn't like that, she says she doesn't want them to celebrate each other by "prioritizing" their suffering. She tells Allison that the other women just have cancer of a different kind.
(I have to disagree with that part. I can see why Iyanla doesn't want them "prioritizing", but Allison has been fighting for her very life! I think that's on a whole different level than working on a marriage, or figuring out who you are. You can't compare those things to having cancer, JMO)
Allison is going to get the genetic testing done.

Previews for next week:

Rachael begins to reconnect with the family she never knew. We see her setting up for the luau, and opening the door and laughing in surprise. In confessional she says "I'm just excited!"

Allison is paralyzed by fear. Iyanla tells her "It's going to require that you take the lid off the box and lay your stuff on the table". Allison is crying and says "It's so hard."

Tess reveals a stunning secret. She is lying in bed crying, and Rhonda is stroking her hair. Tess says "I don't know what to do, I don't understand why it has to hurt so much." Then we see her in confessional saying "I don't really want to go into this, I'm not feeling ready."

And there will be two "specials", one dealing with grief and loss, Lori will be on that one! It will be good to catch up with her!
The other one deals with fathers. Jennifer from season 2 is on that one.

Monday, April 18, 2005

Today is a father special. We will see Susan, Jennifer, Renee and the daughters of Dr. Stan!

Iyanla wants to marry their dads, or even the opposite of dad. Many want to be daddy’s girls, or daddy’s princess. Dr. Stan said if you have an involved father in a healthy way, you are providing a safe, healthy future with men and relationships.

Jennifer spent here life taking care of her mom, and her dad abandoned her. She was frustrated and bitter toward her father, who was put in prison. She faced the truth and healed in the house. Jennifer came into the discussion with Dr. Stan, Rhonda, and Iyanla.
She said she can look back and say that she set people up to fail. She was mad because he didn’t come see her; he was not in that position to do that! He said he was calling her every Saturday, and she was never home. When she wrote that letter to her dad, she acknowledged her feelings, and her hurt and anger toward her father. Then she could forgive him, and try to have a relationship with him. Today she has compassion for her father, and now she can continue to live her life, moving forward. She speaks to her dad on the phone every week now, and she and her sister have gone to visit him. The coaches all gave her a hug.

Dr. Stan gave us a list of issues with abandonment:

Grieve the losses and disappointments
Release the fantasy of the ideal father
Adjust expectations
Prepare to listen without judgment
Accept father for who he is, not who you want him to be

Rhonda said Denise pushed people away so she wouldn’t feel abandonment from others like she did with her father. Denise came from an abusive relationship with her dad. She said she never grieved when her father died. Dr. Stan said children who witness physical abuse learn that violence is the way to solve problems, and your mother or father can’t protect you. Rhonda showed Denise that she hits with words, and she was like her dad, and she had become a bully to everyone else. Dr. Stan used humor as her form of aggression. She made her dad a horrible person, and she learned he was just a human being, like her.

Working through Abuse

Talk to other fathers to gain compassion and understanding
Acknowledge the faults so you don’t repeat them
Acknowledge the behavior so you don’t seek that in a mate
You can forgive abuse without excusing the behavior
Forgiveness will set you free\
Seek professional support

Susan didn’t know anything about her dad; she was raised by her grandmother, her mother died in a car crash. She joined the discussion today. Susan decided that her outside didn’t match her inside, which was hurt and lonely. She searched for her father, and reconnected with her step dad. We see clips of the time when she got things of her mother’s from her step dad. She is happy now, and sees her dad in her eyes, and happy to have that connection now. She looks super! Dr. Stan said parenthood is really a choice, to be there, and be the support the child needs. Susan said people should search out people if they want too, to put the pride aside and the what ifs. She is really happy, and glad to share her story.

Knowing your father

Provides a sense of peace
Lifesaving benefits of medical history information
Foundation for future relationships with men

Renee was mad at her dad, because her father used the money he saved for her college education, without telling her. She joined the coaches on the show. In her mind, when he withdrew his money, he withdrew his love, so she disconnected with him and was bitter and blamed everything about her life on her dad, instead of taking responsibility for her own actions. She found out her dad did love her the whole time, and was praying for her everyday. The turning point for her was when she heard his voice, and knew things were going to be different for her and her father.

We see Josie in a clip, talking about how she picks the wrong men. Dr. Stan said it is never too late to connect with family, don’t wait for someone else to make the first move, make it, and if you are feeling punitive toward someone, you are really unresolved, if you feel the need to punish.

Your role in Reconciliation

Examine yourself and your responsibility in the separation
Let go of pride and ego
Realize it is never too late to let go and take initiative

Dr. Stan learned from his father that if only one parent shows the love and support needed, they will have the ability to withstand anything. We see Dr. Stan as a boy, and a young man, check out the hair and beard! He is an only child. He had his girls join him today, Jennifer and Jamie. He loved having daughters, and also did connect with his third child, a son. His daughters remember dad being the stronger force, both emotionally and physically. They were surprised at how open he was as a father, not as strict. They want to continue to have the relationship that they don’t need to come to him for everything, but they know that they can. The nest is safe, and it is okay for them to leave too. They are cute, and seem like well-adjusted young women.

An involved father when his daughters are young is one who will have the best relationships as they grow older.

A Healthy Father-Daughter Relationship Builds:

Self esteem
Self respect
Self assuredness
Self worth

An email question is all my boyfriends remind me of my father, is that normal? They all said yes! The problem comes in when there is negative qualities searched out, or repeating. We see clips of Jennifer, Susan, Denise, Renee, Bethany, Sommer, Josie, and PJ.

Tomorrow, Rachael meets her sister, Allison confronts her fears, and Tess is revealing more.

Tuesday April 19, 2005 Recap


Allison is talking on the phone to her friend and tells him that she had a breakdown yesterday. She’s having some genetic testing done on Monday and if it is positive she will have her ovaries and breast removed. She says it’s a blessing and could save her life being in the house.

Rachael is talking to Iyanla about her family reunion and luau tonight. Rachael thinks no one knows each other and will meet her sister. She has a big smile of her face. She considers everyone coming today her true family and says that she had no family when she came into the house and when she leaves she will leave with a huge family.

In group each of the seats have a box on the seat. It is a rainy day and Iyanla says that it is a day for healing. She asks how is the box that you picked today a reflection of your own box. Tess’s box in life is staying in her head instead of listening to her heart. Layne says that on the outside she looks put together but there is nothing on the inside. Allison says her box is flashy and perfectly aligned and maybe she has too much flash. Rachael says her box is curious and says that maybe that is how people feel about her. Everyone has a slip to write down what may be hidden in their personal box and put it in the box. They need to learn to stop hiding in the box. Layne is hiding fear and loneliness. Layne had a secret wedding to her first fiance and she didn’t tell anyone. Iyanla asks Tess if she is here and Tess says she is in her head today. Tess is containing what she is feeling and says she isn’t ready. Iyanla says that just running the risk is how you get out of the box. Tess starts crying and says she can’t. Tess says she feels invaded. Iyanla says that if she took the lid off the box what would come out and Tess says a little girl age ten that needs protection. Tess is really crying and crumbling. Allison says it breaks her heart to see Tess and Allison’s pain in her own box. Iyanla asks what about Allison and Allison says she has been sad since she has been 4 and says it is alone and cold and she doesn’t know how to accept love and doesn’t know she has ever been loved. Vanessa says that it was great to see Tess let go. The things hidden in the box are polluted and you need to come out of the box to get away from the pollutions of littleness. (Iyanla talk!!) She asks them what they are missing. Karen says courage. Allison confidence. Layne says self-love. Tess says she is missing her soul and self encourageness. (Sorry. There is another on in there I missed. Along the same lines, though) Confronting what’s in the box you will get what you are missing.

Iyanla asks Tess if she is OK. Iyanla says that she will check to see if Rhonda is there to talk with Tess.

Rachael is talking to family on the phone and talking about how their traveling is going.

Allison is tucking Tess into bed under the covers and tells her to cry it out. Allison is sympathizing with Tess because she says she has had her own breakdown/breakthrough lately so she knows. Allison says that she is relieved that her box is open when talking with Iyanla. Allison says she is so tired but she can’t rest doing for everyone but herself. Allison has been helping Rachael with her luau and Iyanla tells her she needs to stop helping Rachael so she can stop moving and can start to feel. Allison will go to a support group today discussing cancer. Allison says that it will be so hard. Iyanla thinks that under the surface is rage.

Tess says she knows Rhonda is coming but doesn’t want to get into this. She doesn’t feel right.

Iyanla asks where Allison’s anger comes from and she says her father was a drunk angry man. Her brother jumped out of a second story window and she got upset and ran and turned the attention onto herself and diffused the situation. Her dad was running after her brother angry and ignored Allison talking to him and he ignored her and it hurt her. Allison is starting to open the box and shred the layers. She always wanted to protect her Mom and brother but her Dad didn’t notice. She is upset but it is healing. Iyanla wants to go to the support group with Allison today but won’t because she wants Allison to do this on her own.

Some of the girls are helping Rachael get ready. They have a blow up palm tree.

Allison meets with Anne, an after cancer support group. She hears other people’s stories and asks questions from the other ladies. They are all different ages and they share that they feel old also. The feeling of being older will diminish one of the women shares.

Rhonda is there with Tess and tells her she heard she had a hard morning. Rhonda says that Tess isn’t moving and she realizes how much pain Tess must be in. She asks her about what is going on and Tess says that this morning’s group brought out secrets and Rhonda asks what secrets?

Allison says that her current issues are that’s it’s harder for her to go to the emotional piece of her and she shares with the group that she is having genetic testing done. Another lady says that she has had genetic counseling done and says that knowledge is power. They say that they are looking at today and not at the 5-year window. They share their journey and it really touches Allison and she is glad she went.

Rachael says she is really looking forward to today. We see her and Vanessa and Layne getting food and decorations ready. Rachael is most nervous about no one having fun.

Rhonda asks Tess how long she has been carrying it around since she was 10 and she only told her mom at the time she had a bad dream. Someone older, an adult that she knows from church molested her at age 10. She started shutting down with older men and family members at that time because of it. She took it out on her Dad and didn’t let him touch her. She says she didn’t understand why it happened and Rhonda is being so sweet listening to her and brushing her hair back and comforting her.

Iyanla meets with Allison about her group meeting and Allison tells her it went good. She feels better and energized and hopeful. She has pain that is still hidden. The ladies can’t believe that Allison worked through the chemotherapy. She only took 3 weeks off when she had her mastectomy.

Rachael answers the door and her friends the Kings are there. Rachael is so happy and gives big hugs. They have known her from age 7 from church and are glad that they are with her again.

Iyanla and Allison again. Allison is so tired physically and emotionally. To support healing she needs to let it go and to take car of herself. She starts crying and says she can’t let it go. Allison says she needs a nap or a shower. she only wants to take a shower because of the luau.

More of Rachael’s family show up and she is so happy giving people hugs. She has friends from high school. She tells everyone that they will eat after everyone has shown up but that her sister and dad haven’t shown up yet and then there is a knock on the door and it is Rachael’s sister Clarice! They sound alike and Rachael says that it is weird because they have the same mannerisms and they have the same facial expressions. They go to eat and Allison comes down and meets everyone. Rachael’s dad’s flight was delayed but he finally makes it and Rachael is smiling and laughing. She gives her dad a hug and kiss and he is happy to see everyone there. Iyanla comes and meets everyone and gives a toast. Iyanla talks about Rachael’s goal in the house and Iyanla gives Rachael a lea and tells her that she will be graduating. Rachael has completed her steps and Iyanla says that she is happy to have been her coach and to be her mother bear. Rachael says she is leaving the nest and Iyanla says that she has learned how to fly. We hear one of her friends singing and everyone is sitting around smiling. Her dad says that he knows that her mom would have been happy for her. The family that wanted to have her move in with them say that they are so proud of her and know that she has turned out to be the woman her mother wanted her to be. Rachael says that today was magical and she knows that when she leaves she knows that they will all be a part of her life. The tells everyone there that they are her family and they fit the definition of family.

On the next starting over. . .

Allison bravely faces her future.

Tess starts to confront her secret.

Rachael says goodbye to the starting over house.

OK> I think I got it all. Tess was really upset and it was sad to see her so upset. And I cried at Rachael’s luau. It was so touching to see her happy and with family. Very sweet. Congrats Rachael!! Rachael's graduation is Wednesday!

What wonderful re-caps db. and hs. have written!! They must really pay attention to what is going on, they get it just right! Wish I had the memory that you gals do, you two are a diamite Duo!!!