Starting Over Talk - Peer Coaching Support Site

Thanks for the wonderful recaps,hsmom. Now i'm all caught up with the show even though I haven't been able to watch them yet.

Monday, April 04, 2005

From doggiemom, my VCR didn’t change times, it usually does!?? New housemate~~

The show starts with Tess in confessional saying she's looking forward to the new roommate, so she won't have to be the new girl anymore.

A man dressed like a police officer arrives with a note and package for Tess. The note tells her to wear the robe and wig in the package and be the "judge" of her housemates. She needs to come up with 10 judgments or opinions about each of them, and then make herself available for the women to hear them. Tess isn't happy; in confessional she says she will be honest.

Her judgments of Allison: devalues self, doesn't acknowledge her beauty, can be mean to herself.

About Bethany: not as sweet as she appears, afraid to engage or admit impure thoughts.

About Rachael: can be dishonest about true feelings, constantly striving to be over the top to draw attention, at times a bit whiney. In voiceover we hear Rachael saying that she's working on herself, so other people's judgments and opinions don't matter right now.

About Vanessa: she minimizes her accomplishments, and is afraid to be alone, so that's why she clings to her boyfriend Michael. In confessional Vanessa says that she doesn't think Tess got the point of the assignment, that she just enjoys judging people. Vanessa adds that she thinks Tess doesn't think she judges.

Tess adds a general judgment, applying to everyone. She says that they don't acknowledge her truth, and they need to be more conscious that there can be different truths.

The new HG arrives. Karen is 51, and from Encino, California. She arrives with a box of treats for everyone. In confessional Rachael says her first impression of Karen was that she was artsy and disorganized, all over the place.

Both Iyanla and Rhonda are at group to introduce Karen. She has quite a story!
When she was younger, she really went for the "bad boy" type, but married a man who she describes as a nice, decent guy. But they had what Karen says amounted to a sexless marriage. They would go two years without it. She thought that was a better way to be, since her earlier relationships had a lot of physical passion, but were also very stormy.

Iyanla asks her how old she feels inside when she's talking about sex, and Karen says 6 or 7. Iyanla asks what happened to her when she was that age and Karen says she was molested. The coaches sum up that she was willing to give up part of her life in order to feel safe.

Karen has 2 daughters; the youngest is Anna who is 16. Karen says their relationship is bad, "She hates me." Karen reveals that Anna was the one who found out that Karen was having an affair! With her doctor no less!!!

He came onto her during an exam, and she didn't know what to do, so she just went along with it. They ended up having an on again-off again relationship for years. Karen had put some photos of the two of them under her side of the bed, and Anna found them and showed her dad. He called Karen and told her "Don't come home" and he filed for divorce.

Karen has a good relationship with her mother, but feels obligated to protect her. Her mother knows about the affair, but not the pictures. They show a painting that Karen did, it's very good! Her self-portrait is very graphic; it shows her holding a whip because she beats herself up.

Vanessa speaks up - what made her really angry was how horrible it must have been to be in a marriage like that. Everyone seems to be very supportive of Karen.

Rhonda meets with Tess. Rhonda thinks the assignment went too smoothly, so she's adding to it. Tess is to go to each of her housemates and have them wear the robe and wig and judge her.

Karen meets with Iyanla outside. There is a big pile of mud on the ground surrounded by pieces of paper that have all of Karen's issues printed on them. It represents the guilt Karen feels, and the mess of her life. Iyanla tells her to take off her shoes and walk in the mud.

Rhonda meets with Vanessa to discuss how she gives love with conditions. She bought her brother a car so he would like her, and she paid off Michael's debts so he would see what a great person she is. They work on other people too, and fill out lots of little cards.

Back to Karen and Iyanla. Iyanla tells Karen to sit down in the mud. Karen realizes that her mess is from the choices she's made. Iyanla tells her that because of the molestation, she has attention and pain wired together. She tells Karen to lie down in the mud.

Rhonda is putting Vanessa's cards all over the kitchen, and has her tie a string to each one so they are all connected, because she gives love with strings attached. As she does, she gets less and less room to maneuver. As Rhonda puts it, her world is getting smaller because of the strings she attaches to her love.

Karen is lying in the mud and Iyanla is shoveling it on top of her. Karen says she doesn't want to live; she's so tired of hurting. She thinks she deserves to be covered in mud because she's such a bad person. Iyanla talks to her and rubs the mud into her hair.

Back to Rhonda and Vanessa. Vanessa gets the point and in order to repair things, she has to call her parents, her brother, and Michael, and confess and apologize to them. Vanessa thinks they'll be mad, but Rhonda thinks they'll be relieved.

Karen finally tells Iyanla to stop, and gets up out of the mud. She says "I can't treat myself this way anymore, I'm destroying my life. I want to live." Iyanla washes her down with the hose and wraps her in a big towel. Then they sit down to work out Karen's steps. They are, from bottom to top:
Learning To Tell the Naked Truth
Take Ownership of Life
Build Inner Strength
Reconstruct Relationships

Vanessa is telling Tess her judgments. She thinks Tess will do anything to avoid putting blame on her husband because she's afraid of losing him. She thinks Tess is stubborn unless she's being spoken to by people she has chosen to respect, and that Tess takes responsibility for the things she doesn't do, but not for the things she does do. In confessional Tess says part of her doesn't want to believe it.

The only judgment Tess has an issue with is Rachael calling her a drama queen. Rachael explains what she meant by that, and Vanessa jokes that Rachael is more of a drama queen than Tess is.

Vanessa makes her phone calls, everyone already knew that she put conditions on her love, but they all understand and are forgiving.

All the HGs gather in the living room, and Rhonda sits at the judge's table and asks everyone how they felt about Tess' assignment. Vanessa says Tess saw a lot in her that she thought she was hiding. Rachael says her eyes were opened, and she agreed about 80%.

Rhonda defines the difference between judgment and constructive feedback for the women. It's constructive if it comes from an intention of support and love. It's judgment if you really don't care about the other person.

Then Rhonda asks Tess how she judges her husband. Tess says she doesn't, because she loves him so much!!! The others are all a bit shocked by this, so Rhonda asks the women for their observations. Rachael asks is assuming is judging, and they all agree that assuming that he will be unfaithful is judging him. Bethany says that Tess not trusting anyone is a form of judgment too. Tess acknowledges that she does judge her husband, and she will work on that. In confessional Rhonda says that Tess can talk the talk, but Rhonda wonders if she really gets it.

Vanessa asks Rhonda to stay and tells her about her phone calls. Everyone was very understanding, and now Vanessa feels loved.

Later, Karen comes into the kitchen crying and saying she doesn't think she can do it. Allison and Vanessa encourage her, saying that the first day is the hardest, and she's already made a huge breakthrough, in confessional Allison says she can see that Karen is exhausted and scared.

Previews: Tess can't take the heat. She's in group and reading from a piece of paper. It seems that it was an exercise where they all described each other. She reads "Fake, know-it-all, drama queen." then she says "I'm gonna find out who wrote that." Rhonda says "No, you're not!"

Bethany gets a crash course in dating. She meets with Rhonda who says "I'm just wondering how courageous you're feeling today." Bethany says "That depends on what you've got planned." Rhonda tells her "You're going on three dates today." Bethany says "Oh my gosh..."

And the reality of Karen's dark past sinks in. We see Karen in confessional looking just awful. She says "I'm really afraid that I'm not up to it." Then we see her saying to Iyanla "What if it gets really dirty and ugly."


Okay, this is JMO, but I think Karen needs much more intensive help, counseling and therapy than she can get in the house. She just kept saying she wants to die, and really seems to be at the end of her rope.<br><br>Post edited by: hsmom, at: 2005/04/04 10:23

THIS IS REALLY GOOD REPORTING!!!! I HAVE MISSED OUR SHOW FOR THE LAST TWO DAYS; AND I SHOULD HAVE PUT THIS IN THE GRATITUDE POSTS....... IF IT WASN'T FOR THIS POST, I WOULDN'T KNOW WHAT WAS HAPPENNING!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH!

Wednesday 4/6, from tvgal-

All the women are abuzz that Rachael’s dad is coming today.

Allison is sitting alone and saying that she is feeling very disconnected from everyone right now. No one in the house knows what it is like to have cancer and then gain 30 pounds. She seems to be depressed.

Rhonda calls Bethany to ask about her dates. Bethany is still really pumped up about them. It appears that date #3 is everyone’s favorite.

Bethany is talking to Karen. Karen tells her that date #3 was her favorite and she felt happy last night when she saw them meet. Bethany tells her that she is glad to hear that because she has been very worried about her.

Dr. Stan comes to meet with Karen. Dr. Stan says that he would like for Karen to tell him why she is here. She tells him about her sexless marriage (but not totally sexless since they had two kids!) Then she tells him about having the affair with her doctor. Dr. Stan asks Karen why she succumbed to the doctor and she said that she liked the attention, because her husband showed her no affection. Dr. Stan asks how she felt afterward and she said she ran from his office and cried hysterically in her car. She said at that time she thought he had forced her but later she realized that he hadn’t. That she had sex with him because she wanted to and she liked it. He asks her if she felt justified having the affair because she was in a sexless marriage. She tells him about putting the manila envelope marked private under her bed with the proof of her affair. Dr. Stan says that she must have wanted to get caught. She says that she did but that she was caught by the wrong person, her daughter. Her daughter was 13 when she found them and that her daughter showed the pictures to her father. Dr. Stan says that their must have been a prior conflict before this because unless their relationship was already fractured, she would not have shown the pictures to her dad, she would have wanted to protect her mother. Dr. Stan says that he would bet that if he were to talk to her daughter, that she would tell him that she was happy and it didn’t matter that she didn’t have a relationship with her mom. He tells Karen that this is not true, that she probably just doesn’t know how to forgive Karen without felling like she is betraying her dad. Dr. Stan tells Karen that they are going to have to see if they can resolve the conflict between them for her daughter’s sake even more than Karen’s.

Karen is sitting outside by herself knitting and saying that she is going to try to remember what might have happened between her and her daughter before the discovery of the pictures. She says that right now she can’t think of anything.

Allison meets with a 12 yr. cancer survivor. She is telling Allison that she was told after her surgery that they think the tumor had been there for 7 years. She had been mis-diagnosed for years. Allison says that she is 38. (I am 10 years older than her! Wow, I thought she was a lot older). Allison says that she thinks that she is going through menopause but she keeps hoping that her periods will come back. The other lady (sorry I missed her name) says that she went through menopause at 33 because of the cancer and she got to go through it at the same time as her own mother. She is a very upbeat person and Allison seems to enjoy talking to her.

Karen is talking to Tess about being sad about her youngest daughter. Needless to say that was a one way conversation.

Rachael is on the phone with her brother Jason and saying that her dad is supposed to be there in ten minutes. She is laughing and screaming and saying that she is scared and she has no idea what to say. We see the limo drive up. Rachael sees him drive up and Bethany has her sit down and breathe. She is already in tears. What an emotional roller coaster for her.

He is a handsome man. Bald with a full goatee kind of beard. Iyanla says that he definitely has the same eyes as Rachael. Rachael and her dad hug. In confessional she says that she knows now that shegot her freckles from her dad. He tells her that he brought pictures for her. He said the last time he saw her she was very young. He tells her that she was awesome when she was born. He said she was a very energetic kid and he was there when she started talking. He said that she did spend time with him at his home. Iyanla asked him why they didn’t want Rachael to have a relationship with him. He said that her mother’s family labeled people and he had a problem with them. He said that his family was at fault too. In confessional Iyanla says that she knows that he is not giving the whole truth at this time about such a dramatic parting. She isn’t going to push it since she doesn’t know herself. She says that he might be holding back because he knows that this information will hurt Rachael. He tells Rachael that her grandmother, his mom, is a real pistol. That she and the rest of his family are waiting to meet her. Rachael asks what they are saying and he says, “bring her over!”

The cancer survivor’s name is Betsy Mullen. She encourages Allison to have reconstruction after Allison talks about feeling disfigured.

Rachael’s dad says that he knew that he would meet her one day. Rachael says that she doesn’t think she would have looked for him any time soon if it hadn’t been for being in the house. Then she asked him why he hadn’t looked for her earlier. Iyanla asks if he knew where she was and he said no and Rachael says that there are ways to find someone if you want. He says that he went through a bad divorce and it wasn’t feasible for him to find her then because he wasn’t a very nice person then. Rachael says in confessional that she wants to know more but thinks that they should take baby steps.

Iyanla says that she has arranged for them to go to dinner alone and Rachael is very nervous about going alone. Iyanla is alone with Rachael and she is whining like a little kid and say she won’t know what to say and she wants Iyanla to go. She asks Iyanla if she likes him and she says she liked him immediately.

Iyanla goes down to Karen’s room. She says in confessional that some of the hg’s have been worried about Karen and she wants to see for herself. Karen tells Iyanla that one of the women told her that she is worried about her. She said that she was told to be truthful so she has been being truthful whether it was good or bad. Iyanla tells her that it doesn’t matter if they are worried about her. Iyanla is talking to her and Karen tells her that she is powerful and that she scares her. Then she smiles at her.

Rachael asks Jerry, her dad, about his day and he tells her about almost missing the plane. Jerry asks her about Cece and she tells him that when her mom and dad died she felt like she lost her whole family. He says he is surprised that she doesn’t talk to Cece. He asks her if she felt set aside and she says yes. In confessional Rachael says if feels almost like d&eacute;j&agrave; vu because she is feeling so comfortable with him. He tells her that she was so outspoken when she was little and she starts laughing.

Back to Iyanla and Karen. Iyanla tells her that Allison has squatters and she has cooties. She tells her that it is good she is afraid of her because then her cooties will be afraid of her. She is laughing. Iyanla tells her that she is going to send her a journal and she wants her to start journaling. (I was surprised that she didn’t already have one. I thought that was a staple to every hg!) Iyanla also tells her not to isolate herself.

Rachael’s dad leaves and he tells her to take care of herself and not to get into any trouble. She laughs. Rachael walks in and everyone is sitting around the dining room table playing scrabble. She sits next to Bethany and is telling saying that she is feeling a lot more comfortable with him now. And that he wants to rent her a place near him this summer so they can get to know each other better. Allison, Tess and Vanessa have continued playing and are laughing and talking. Tess then asks Rachael to repeat something she said and Rachael smiles and tells her that she can just go back to what she was doing. Tess in confessional says that Rachael sat down and was telling the women what happened and she didn’t hear something Rachael said and asked her to say it again and that Rachael just shut her down! Tess says that she is happy that she is in the frame of mind that she is because the old Tess would have told her off right there and then. Now Rachael is sitting next to Allison and Tess says to her, “it’s your delivery and sometimes it is inappropriate and it isn’t just me, you do it to all the women at some point in time.” Rachael smiles and says, “thank you, I will try to work on that.” Tess says that she just wants to be open about it. Rachael smiles and says thanks again and that “we’re cool”. Allison says “we’re cool?” to each of them and then puts her hand on Rachael’s shoulder and asks her if she is okay and Rachael still has that frozen smile on her face and says yes. Tess says that he was a very nice man. Rachael gets up and walks off. Then Rachael in confessional saying, “I think Bethany grasped how big this was and she was very sensitive to what Rachael was feeling when she walked in and that she felt almost a little dishonored by the others when she walked in and Bethany was the only one to acknowledge her. So Rachael went down to the computer and says that she just wants to be by herself because she is just overwhelmed as they might think she would be by everything that happened. Allison says they will just continue to play their game and if she wants to tell them something they are right there. You see Rachael just staring at the computer monitor.

Preview-

Bethany and Vanessa take a walk on the wild side! They are in their leathers and we see the biker dude!

Tess is with Rhonda and Rhonda tells her that today she wants her to be a better listener. She asks if she can do that and Tess laughs and says that she is scared.

Karen meets with Dr. Stan and he has a picture she drew and he says that he would be very concerned about the person who drew that picture. Then he asks, ‘how concerned should I be?”

Oh poor Rachael what a crappy ending to a great day. She had one of the biggest days of her life and she needed them to make a big deal over her. That may be immature of her but I feel for her. She is in a house full of women and no one is asking her to share and you know that she is just bursting inside. I got tears for her. I mean I see where she was hurt. She walked in and they did just continue to talk and play and acted like it was no big deal. Rachael’s feelings were so hurt and she has been hurt so much in the past by her family and she just didn’t know how to verbalize it correctly. It was an inappropriate time for Tess to chastise her in my opinion. The girl is on an emotional high, cut her some slack! It really put this damper on such a great show! Her dad was really neat and I think they will have a good relationship. I think we saw in one of the other spoilers for later in April that Rachael confronts him more about why he didn’t fight to have a relationship with her. Okay so now I want to see her kick Ellen’s butt! Have a good one everybody!<br><br>Post edited by: hsmom, at: 2005/04/08 10:16

Thursday April 7, 2005 Recap

Tess calls Rhonda and tells her that Rachael cut her down when she asked her a question. Rachael was asking Bethany a question and Tess tried to cut in and Rachael told Tess to go back to what she was doing. Rhonda told Tess it wasn’t about her, it was about Rachael and Tess needs to let it go.

We see a gentleman come up on a Harley in leather give Bethany and Vanessa an envelope that tells them that today they will be bad girls. Bethany is excited and says that is what she is trying to do.

Karen calls her ex-husband and tells him that she wants to talk to Anna but can’t seem to get hold of her. Her ex tells her that Anna got the message and she doesn’t feel like calling Mom. Dad tried to get her to call but she wouldn’t and he’s not going to force her. Karen hangs up after saying that was the only reason she called.

Group today with Dr. Stan in jeans and a black t-shirt. Bethany loves it. He says that the tattoos are not real but the muscles are. He looks this way because today they will talk about rebellion. To be rebellious is to go against authority. Were you rebellious when little? Bethany thinks she was easygoing but not rebellious. Vanessa said she wasn’t rebellious when little and always strived to be more than normal. Allison says the same. Karen was busted for breaking curfew, and did the sex, drugs and rock-and-roll bit. The most rebellious thing she did was getting caught with a date partially clothed on a beach. Is adult rebellion healthy? Vanessa says that she started cursing out her coaches and the media. It was the first time she stood up for herself. Karen says having the affair was her rebellion. Rebellion is saying I am my separate person and establishing identity.

Rhonda comes looking for the rebel chicks, Bethany and Vanessa. She wants them to be bad girls to let them do what they want to do and step out of their box. Bethany says she goes to work and goes home and never goes out with friends. Vanessa agrees. If you live your life what are you rebelling from? Being out of the box.

Karen meets with Rachael and they talk about her meeting her Dad yesterday. Rachael is still processing and is still processing the visit. She is bitter because he didn’t contact her first. She was angry he didn’t contact her first and felt it was going against ehr family.

Bethany wants to go to college and wants to go out dating. Vanessa says being a good girl ahs gotten Vanessa no where. Bad girl means going out and live the life she had been meant to live. Everyone they meet today they are to talk about what it means to live their life. Rhonda has blue and red hair dye for them and she got some tattoos for them. Then we see them putting on tattoos and putting their hair up and make-up on.

Karen is drawing pictures to get it out. The one picture has blood oozing out her eyes and she is crying while drawing it. It is of her darkest, saddest moods.

Vanessa and Bethany go and try on leather coats. They really get into it. Rhonda wants Bethany to put on a bandana and Bethany says this bad girl isn’t wearing a bandana. Two motorcycle guys pull up and Vanessa about freaks out. Bethany thinks it is cool. The girls walk out there and put the helmets on and take off on the back of the motorcycles with their guy friends.

Karen is on the phone call with her daughter Rachel and Anna isn’t home.

Third rule of love is learning how to listen. Tess feels she is up to that and she got to an improv class. It is about listening and answering quickly and going on. Really good listening is helpful in the improv class. Tess says she is scared but laughs.

Bethany says that riding on a Harley is great and wants to go full out. Vanessa says she was holding on for dear life first but then relaxes and appreciates the ride.

Dr. Stan talks to Karen and she tells him that anxiety is high with her. She has been diagnosed with anxiety and depression. She searched out therapy after she was caught on the beach at age 15. She said after her second daughter was born she got more depressed and thought about suicide and dying. Dr. Stan thinks that Karen is fragile and wants to make sure she isn’t too depressed to hurt herself or others. He is concerned about her.

Back to our bad girls! They go in and play pool with the motorcycle guys. They really have fun. Joe considers himself a rebel. Chris says he is a free spirit and goes to please himself. Bethany says the guys are really cool and it is great to not worry about what other people think. They tell Vanessa that she should go to college and that it will mean a lot to her and she will meet some great friends that will last the rest of her life. The girls are having a blast.

Karen at moments has felt suicidal. Dr. Stan asks if she ever had a plan and she told him that she got to the point of being in the bathtub with a razor blade. He asks if she feels depressed and on a scale of 1 to 10 she rates herself a 7, which is high. Dr. Stan wants to look at her pictures and guessed that it will be black in nature. She shows him her two disturbing dark pictures. He’s concerned at what these paintings mean. They are filled with sadness and horror. The sadness and horror of what she did to her daughters. There is a picture of knifes sticking in her and Sr. Stan says that he is concerned about the person that made these pictures. He tells her they are not a psych hospital and wonders if she needs 6o0 days in a hospital. She says that most of it is drama and trying to get attention. He tells her they need to get the drama out and get to the real feelings so they can get to the base of the problems and the root of the matter.

Tess is at the improv Olympics. She is nervous and anxious. They have one person sit on-stage on a chair and the people behind are to talk and keep asking questions and he is to talk to them and answer questions. It is so chaotic sounding. Tess is called upon next and she says she saw that one coming. Tess sits there and has a hard time answering any questions. she looks overwhelmed and feels like it was hell to have so much information. He says that a person that dominates the conversation makes it hard on someone that is quiet.

Dr. Stan tells Karen that she shouldn’t be calling ehr daughter now. She asks if she can write her daughter and he says only if she says she loves her and is thinking of her and ends it love mom. Not questions or pressuring. That is probably what is driving her daughter away.

Bethany and Vanessa meet with Rhonda and tell her that they had fun. They learn that it is a feeing thing to be rebels or free spirits. They should just do what they want to do and not care what other people say. The bad girl definition is someone that lives a passionate life. Bethany says she wants to go to school and move out. Vanessa wants to go out more and go to clubs more. Rhonda now wants them to meet a drag queen. She asks if they have met a drag queen and Vanessa laughs and Bethany looks shocked and says no ma’am.

Dr. Stan meets with Tess and find out how things are going. Tess has gotten feedback in the past week and feels like it is going well with the housemates. She talked about the exercise she did today and if you listen well you establish trust. Becoming more in tuned in treating another how you want to be treated and not being reactive is the foundation to solving the conflict. He’s not convinced she has the tools and the want to be a better listener. If you give time to not be reactive you might be able to solve the problem yourself.

Bethany and Vanessa meet Bridgett, the transvestite. Vanessa says she was freaked out but she thought it was informative and interesting. As a man he didn’t get attention because he was a chubby guy. It’s not about other people but fulfilling yourself. He says you can do whatever you want. Vanessa laughs and he asks why they are laughing. Bethany says she just wants to get out there and living a fearless life. Vanessa wants to dance. Bridgett says that is so chorus line. Vanessa says she is so afraid but he says that when people see her happy and fulfilled it will be worth it.

Karen painted a picture called mother and child and says that she is both the mother and child taking care of herself. Karen is writing a letter to her daughter Anna and she tells her what it’s like being in the house and says that she loves her and is thinking of her all the time and can’t wait to see her.

On the Next Starting Over. . .

**Vanessa feels abandoned by her boyfriend. He doesn’t want to come to the house.

**Everyone starts to panic about the BOR. Karen just knows she will be kicked out.

**What happens next could affect everyone. Iyanla says she wouldn’t be carrying a life coach card if she bought into this story.

OK &gt;I hope this makes sense. I typed it while it was on again. If not so sorry. Have a great day!<br><br>Post edited by: dbmcmommy, at: 2005/04/08 11:36