Starting Over Talk - Peer Coaching Support Site

OK. forgive me for any mistakes I might make typing. I didn't tape it but typed as the show aired!! Here you go.

Today’s show is about shame. Each woman comes into the house with her own story and a lot of times the issue of shame comes out.

They flash back to Cassie telling about being raped at age 15. They show the beginning of when Renee tells Iyanla about her shame. Jennifer telling about the shame of her Dad being arrested. They show Denise, Vanessa, Josie and PJ. (I had a hard time remembering her name!! OOps!) Shame is when you feel badly about yourself about what you have done but also who you are. Most people struggle with shame.

Shame has kept Cassie stuck for decades. She lost out on being a mom and seeing her son’s first steps and alcohol and drugs helped her escape. She has hated herself. She has been ashamed of who she is and what has happened to her. Cassie says that shame used to be her middle name because of what people did to her and what she did to herself. She first felt shame in her life when her Dad would make her go the American Legion with him until 3 in the morning when he was getting drunk. She drank and hid when she was filled with shame. She hides out in her shame. She is ashamed that she wasted so much time in her life and she doesn’t have her GED. She isn’t upset because of no GED but because she doesn’t feel accomplished. Iyanla asks if Casie can love herself anyhow. Rhonda tells Cassie that her behavior today has no connection to shame. What is wrong with her today? Nothing, is what Cassie says. The one thing that supported or shifted her is her trip to the LA shelter and the graveyard. Cassie realized then that if she hadn’t chosen the right crossroads she wouldn't be here today. If she could make a post a sign it would say shame=throw it all away.

shame+separate the past behavior from who you are today.

Andy has inherited shame. A family shame is one of the most common shames. Andy’s twin sister killed herself after killing her boyfriend. Everything she did before the SO house was driven by hiding her sisters schizophrenia. She was raised by her grandparents. Illegitimate. Her life involved on hiding her sister’s illness and hiding who her dad is. She said the inside of her house was horrible but it looked nice on the outside. Her grandma had 3 layers of curtains on the windows and the windows caulked because she didn’t want people to overhear what has gong on in their house. Andy was raised to make everything look nice so that everyone else doesn’t know what is really going on. Andy was damaged and didn’t have the ability to trust others. Andy’s sister tried to kill herself, had outbursts, beat Andy, pushed grandma out of the car. Everyone thought that Andy would be able to infiltrate her sisters psyche and make her better. The turning point for Andy was on the camping trip on the SO house and they were doing team building exercises and she realized that she couldn’t give up and that the girls were there to support her when she couldn’t make it up the wall. She didn’t have the strength to get up the wall and when she let go the other girls had her line and didn’t let her fall and their encouragement really helped her. They showed the clip with her SOG’s cheering her up and telling her they were there for her. Her tips to others with shame is to realize that you don’t connect in your perfection but through our faults, struggles and weaknesses. Hiding her shame behind perfection was denying the connection with other women. Rhonda thanks Andy for sharing her shame once again. Andy says the first time she said out loud being a dropout and that her sister was a murderer were the hardest things that she ever did but she healed when she let the shame out.

Shame -perfection isolation and distrust

Towanda was also brought up to be perfect. Her father was a minister and had an affair and all of the perfection they thought they had before turned to shame. Towanda was quick to put the shame on Sommer when she told everyone that she had an affair with a married man. and they discuss this. Towanda said it was difficult for her to hear Sommer’s story because it was like reliving her parents relationship when her Mom found out that Dad had an affair. Everyone saw them as a perfect family and it really hurt her when this happened in her own life. Towanda didn’t know what to do so she just continued to be perfect. Towanda treated Sommer coldly because she saw Sommer in the same eyes she saw her stepmother in. The scarlet letter exercise was the turning point for Towanda. All of the women in the house wore their scarlet letters in the house to show their shame. Towanda’s advice is that it is OK to not be perfect because no one is perfect.

To release Shame = shop judging, stop criticizing, forgive yourself and others

Next we go to Rain. Rain lived in Public housing in the projects and was on food stamps. Her strength made her a powerhouse but she didn’t see it. Rain came in the SOH to get a better job, get off welfare and be a better Mom. Rain was ashamed of everything- unmarried mom, not a good mom, of being on foodstamps, of being on public assistance. Rain says she always needed the extra help to feed and cloth her children. She always did the minimum because that’s of what she thought. She wasn’t ashamed of her children but ashamed of having children without being married. She quit going to church when she was 20 and pregnant and unmarried. Rain had a ton of shame when that happened and then when she had her second child. They asked what her shame in her life is and she says she doesn’t want to talk about it. Secrets lead to shame. Iyanla laughs and says that Rain, being a graduate of the Starting Over House, should know that you don’t tell a lifecoach that you don’t want to talk about it. Rain says she doesn’t want to talk about the shame. She says it hurt her deeply and it affected every choice she made in life. Rain doesn’t want to share what happened like this but is working on it. Iyanla reminds Rain that the choice is about Rain and that she should put herself first instead of protecting the person that caused her shame. Dr. Stan is asking Rain if she protecting herself from the truth. The hear that Rain’s experience is a foothold of shame. She will be an observer and tell them the story an tell it as if it was a once upon a time. It was s bit hard to follow but her story that there was a girl that was exploited and she lost her childhood. She had to be so mature to handle this experience. An adult exploited her and she felt it was her fault. She felt ashamed of being a woman and it had a domino affect and it left her vulnerable and powerless, and that’s how a lot of women feel when they have been exploited. ( I agree with TVgal that the story had a vibe of something sexual involved but she doesn’t state it.??Being forced to have sex? Don‘t know. Whatever it was it upset Rain. She seemed OK to do a quick Once upon a time story. It was so quick it was hard to hear and type it all at the same time. Anyway.) Rain doesn’t want her children to be hurt like she was. Some of the hurt, the abusive relationship, was self inflicted and she doesn’t want her children to grow up like that. She is going to school and working. She only has medicaid. No other public assistance. She says she is swimming like she is gong to get out of the public assistance ocean. Her advice is that shame is a lie and you need to fight against it. There are many choices to start over again. Rain feels on top of the world right now and she is taking care of herself like she has never done before.

You need a counselor to get through shame so you can get through it.

They went through a piece of mail from a viewer filled with shame. The viewer feels the need to apologize for her mere existence. DR. Stan says a person needs to confront the shame. If you stand for who you are and build your self-esteem you decrease the shame.

On the next Starting Over. . .
Candy’s closet is stripped bare. Masculine clothes are taken out of the closet by Iyanla. Iyanla throws Candy’s pajamas out on the floor and Candy says Those are my pajamas. What am I supposed to sleep in? And Iyanla tells her to sleep naked.
Candy gets a phone call from Robert. (Boyfriend)
Vanessa has to deal with her boyfriend. Rhonda tells her she doesn’t have anyone else in her life.


Here you are. Have a great day!

Wednesday 3-23 From archives-

Previously, Candy had been assigned to dress more femininely, but as soon as that assignment was over, she went back to her sweats. Iyanla sets out to fix this. The life coach begins pulling things out of Candy’s closet that aren’t feminine. Candy is less than pleased to see her comfy clothes disappear.

Allison and Candy go shopping together for some new styles at Lane Bryant and then they have lunch with the housemates. Candy uses this opportunity to ask them how they see her controlling, which is also part of her assignment. Allison explains that Candy tends to offer a suggestion that is more like a direction. Others say that Candy isolates herself when she doesn’t get her way. Allison also adds that Candy opens up in group, but closes off afterwards. When Candy calls her boyfriend Robert and asks him the same question, he says “You pretty much have control over everything we do.” Candy cries as she hears this. Changing her controlling ways, would improve her relationship immensely, Iyanla notes. Candy worries that she may be doing something out of care and concern, but others may see it differently. Iyanla sees that there is always a hidden agenda with Candy, though. “If a person holds shame or anger in their heart, what they try and do may come out wrong because the channel is clouded. What ever you want to do for somebody else, do it for yourself first,” Iyanla advises. Iyanla wants Candy to be giving from her overflow, not from her emptiness.

In group, Rachael learns she has earned some steps and is more than half way towards achieving her goal. In group, the women discuss saying, “I’m sorry.” Candy says she is sorry for leaving home at 16 to take care of herself. Iyanla explains that this kind of thinking is a form of control. Candy thinks that things got worse for her siblings because she left. Iyanla suggests that Candy apologize to herself for thinking she has to make it better for everyone else. “That is not your job description." Iyanla advises, “You are on the ‘love, honor and take care of yourself committee.’”

Rhonda wants Vanessa to learn a valuable skill: support. As part of this learning experience, Rhonda has requested that Vanessa not talk to her boyfriend for a week. He is the only person she relies on for support and she needs to learn how to rely on others as well. Rhonda wants Vanessa to have an “intimate moment” with each housemate on this day as well. Vanessa goes on a walk with Cassie to ask for her advice about how she can make the most of her STARTING OVER experience. Then, she talks to Rachael about her relationship with her brother and Rachael offers advice. It’s clear that Vanessa needs a safe place to share things that she is afraid of or things that annoy her.

Later on in the day, Vanessa tells her housemates that she doesn’t know how to get close to people and she is uncomfortable with the notion of asking for support. Candy also opens up outside of group and tells the women about her conversation with Robert earlier and how it “sucked”. Rachael tells Candy she is one of the most kind and compassionate people she has ever met, but her controlling is hurtful. Rachael feels belittled sometimes by Candy, but Candy explains that when she thinks of Rachael as her child, that means she is putting Rachael above everything. Candy holds her children in the highest regard.

In the Heart of You
by Cassie for her son

There is a castle in the distance
Feeling a quiet heartfelt memory of two
Never have I felt so strong, of an unfaded love
As in the heart of you
You have traveled through life on many journeys
Still there remains a journey
To someday walk together on
Still there are memories to create
Before our breath is gone
I feel your heart close to me now
Even though you are far away
I feel your eyes upon me
Though your eyes I cannot see
Still I see you from a distance
With cherished dreams of eternity
Through each day my love grows stronger
Please know my love is always true
I could never feel this love from any heart
Only in the heart of you

3-24-05

Cassie goes over her poem she has written with Allison. Allison says it’s beautiful. Cassie says the cherished dreams of eternity part is morbid but Allison reminds Cassie that in a way she is mourning him. Rhonda narrates that even though Cassie hasn’t met with her son or passed her GED she has a choice to look at it as a failure or to celebrate her success and accomplishments because today Cassie is at a crossroads. Allison gives Cassie a pin that is gold and has five leaves on it, to symbolize her five housemates, and wanted Cassie to have it. Cassie loves it and gives Allison a hug.

Iyanla comes to talk to Allison and they go over her wheel of life. They have good health for sure. Wealth- Allison says we need it. Feel love, romance and sex- Allison says she needs it. Allison tells Iyanla that right now she is having a problem with her body image. She wears big bulky clothes and gained 20 pounds from the medication and misses her red hair. To be happy as she is Allison needs to accept the way she is. Right now Allison feels like she will never have real love. Iyanla tells Allison that saying she is lopsided and deformed her body believes it. Iyanla asks is there purpose in adversity?

Renee calls and talks to Bethany. Bethany tells her about going to another doctor for her sromach problems. Bethany complains that she doesn’t want to be there and says she will have no secrets and everyone will know everything back home. Renee reminds Bethany she needs to worry about herself and be grateful it is getting looked after.

Iyanla asks Allison what if dealing with cancer came to serve a greater purpose? Allison says that dealing with death gave her life. Iyanla tells her she isn’t lopsided or deformed. Allison says she wants to believe that. Allison will go out today with Bonnie St. John. Bonnie was an athlete that lost a leg but continues to live an active, fun-filled life. Allison is to ask questions and learn from her.

Iyanla leads group. Bethany tells Iyanla she is going to a different doctor and wants to close down and doesn’t want to do this. Bethany starts crying and says she is afraid and embarrassed. Iyanla shows them a party tray, bowl, knife, can opener and an egg whip. Iyanla asks Rachael to open up a steak package and cut it up with a can opener. She asks Vanessa to beat an egg in a bowl with a knife. She asks Cassie to draw a picture with a paper towel and an eggbeater. Everything has a purpose. If you don't use the right tools to get the job done you don’t get the best use out of it. The question is “what is your purpose on the planet at this time?” Cassie says inspiration or inspire herself and others. Candy says being happy in who she is. Vanessa says to be the best she can be. Allison says to serve people with her talents and grace. The difference between purpose and goal is that purpose is inherent in who you are. You need to find a way to use your purpose better. Example is the difference between an electric and manual can opener. There is an easier way and purpose. When do you know when you were ‘on” purpose? Candy says raising her kids and the knowledge and experience upgraded her purpose. Cassie says getting sober because the hole in her soul got filled. When you don’t know the purpose of a thing you discard it. Vanessa says she gave up a lot of things that would fulfill her because she didn’t believe in herself. Living a life of principals helps us get our purpose. The SOG’s now draw principal rocks out of a bag. This is how they need to live today. Rachael and Cassie both draw courage. Candy gets miracles; Vanessa blessings. Allison draws freedom and Bethany gets trust. She needs to trust the process because if you don’t know the purpose you give up.

Bethany tells Allison she is scared because she will have no secrets. Allison tells her she needs to trust the process and that it will be OK and she loves her and gives Bethany a hug.

Rhonda comes to talk to Cassie about how the ceremony plans for honoring her son are going. Cassie’s ready and its called let go and let god. She has balloons ready. The housemates will tie their hopes on to the balloons and they will let them go. Cassie feels like it will be “Airy Fairy”. Cassie feels good about herself so this will affirm and support. Rhonda tells Cassie that it takes a great woman to let go and most people do not have that in them. This really touches Cassie.

Allison is meeting with Bonnie St. John. Allison tells Bonnie about her wheel of life and they talk about how Bonnie has built her life up. Bonnie went to school and exercised and got married and had a daughter but then it all came crashing down when she recalled being sexually abused as a little girl. It all came back after she had her daughter and it ruined ehr marriage but she has rebuilt her life. Allison and Bonnie are going roller-skating today and Bonnie says she won’t be in her comfort zone and shows Allison her “sports leg”. Allison admits it won’t be comfortable for her either since she hasn’t exercised since having cancer and hasn’t skated in 15 years.

Bethany is telling Rhonda she has told everyone everything and everyone will know all her secrets and she doesn’t like it. Rhonda tells Bethany that secrets make you stuck. Rhonda says Bethany is kicking and screaming but she is dragging her to the doctor! Bethany feels it is a waste of time because she feels they never can fix anything. Rhonda tells her not to put on a smiley face but to feel how she feels.

Cassie is getting ready for the ceremony. She is smiling and decorating.

Bethany says she’s having a problem with going to the doctor. She gets mad and shuts down. Rhonda tells her to stay grumpy and mean as they walk into the doctor’s office. They meet with the Gastroenterologist, Dr. Nicholas Karyotakis. Bethany and Rhonda tell him about her getting sick 30 minutes after eating and how she doesn’t eat much. He will do blood tests and look for an ulcer or acid reflux. They will do an operindoscopy (sp???) if the tests don’t come up with anything conclusive. The procedure would be putting a small camera on a tube down her throat and look at it and her stomach and small intestine. Bethany is not thrilled!! she would get an IV and medications. Bethany says she isn’t thrilled but doctors says that usually patients don’t remember anything but Bethany comments about a sore throat and Rhonda asks which is worse- a couple hours of sore throat pain or a stomach that hurts the rest of your life when you eat! Bethany thinks the doctor may know some things so she is willing and they go to fill out paperwork.

Allison and Bonnie go to roller-skate. The rink is empty and they have fun. Allison’s prosthesis falls out and Bonnie asks her is she thinks about not always wearing it. They both fall down and laugh. Bonnie tells a story about how in the Olympics in 1984 she was the 3rd ranked member on the US team. (I think it was in snow skiing.) There was a rumor going around that there was ice in a spot and everyone was crashing. She went through and almost goes to the finish and she hit the ice and she fell but got up and finished. She said that people fall down but winners get up and sometimes the gold medal winner is the one that gets up the fastest. Real life is messy but asking for help is the greatest joy in life because it connects us.

Cassie has her celebration of hope and reads her poem. (They shortened it. Either she didn’t read it all or they cut part of it out!) Cassie shares the bib, photos and a sweatshirt that he son’s step-mom gave her. She has seen a glimpse of him through these but now she realizes she needs to let go and let god. (This is the point I started crying.) It takes courage to walk away. She gave him away for adoption for hope for him and hope for herself. There are five candles of hope in a dish for each SOG to light and read their hope wish. Candy lights her candle of hope and reads her hope is that Cassie’s son will grow to who he is and agree to see Cassie. Allison’s hope is for Cassie’s son to know his Mom’s heart. Rachael says that Cassie has been strong and that putting her son’s needs first makes her name spelled mother. Cassie’s hope is that God will show her the way. They take cider outside for a toast. In a gold balloon is the letter Cassie wrote to her son and for right now it is going to god and the universe that maybe some day he will get it. They count to three and yell “Go let God.” They watch them fly and have a group hug.

Rhonda tells them that today took a lot of courage and says congrats to Cassie. She tells them that she told Cassie she was a great woman and it is time for the great woman to graduate! Graduation will be tomorrow but today is her prom. Rhonda uncovers 80’s style prom gowns and there are a couple for each girl to pick out one. The girls are all excited and pick out their dresses and get all dressed up. A limo shows up and there is another surprise for them. Richard Steinmetz, Martin Fitzgerald, from Passions shows up and gives Cassie a corsage. Cassie says he’s perfect and Bethany is excited to have a Passions star with them. Denise and Kim are at the prom and they all dance around and have fun. Cassie is named prom queen and gets a sash to go along with her crown. Cassie gives a speech about how she was afraid to go into a school but she let go of the past and started healing. She says when she came into the SO House she didn’t have the self-worth she needed. Everyone helped her and loved her until she could love herself and today she does and now she is graduating! She is really emotional and happy and touched.

On the Next Starting Over. . .

** Candy is faces with another family crisis
** Vanessa is forced to take action
** Cassie receives an unbelievable send off

On the poem, I thinks that’s what she said. I worked a lot on that trying to get it right and kept rewinding the tape. If it’s wrong, fire me!! hehe

OK. Here it is. On a personal note, I cried a lot during the balloon letting go ceremony. That’s what my boys and I do on my angel baby’s birthday. We let go of balloons so that he can get them up in heaven and share with all his little angel buddies. That was tough for me on a personal basis but Cassie smiled through it all. She really grew during her stay in the house! I hope you enjoyed. I can’t wait for Friday!

Thanks, db. I need to watch the whole show again, without interruption. When I read your recap, I noticed I missed a bunch! So glad you can share your angel baby with your others, and he is not forgotten, but celebrated. Not like Rachael and her parents. Sorry for you that this was hard to watch. I wish the best for you and your family, and for Cassie and her son too.

Friday, March 25, 2005

Cassie’s day! She is packing, and getting ready for graduation.

Dr. Stan met with Vanessa about relying on herself. She said she has gained 25 pounds. HE said convince me you love gymnastics, without the crowd, the praise. She said she loves to do it when nobody is watching. He said then just do it. She said she feels maybe she shouldn’t be proud. She doesn’t’ have a strong sense of self. Dr. Stan’s goal for her is to relearn to trust herself, and be confident.

Cassie is asked to be in the hot seat. Pursue GED and honor loss of son are her last steps. She is happy that she did her part. Rhonda said getting the GED is a metaphor. Life is a journey, it is not about getting everything you want, it is about the tools you have, and what you do with them. Her self-portrait is a flying butterfly, with light all around.
Rhonda says everyone remembers her outburst about her hair. We see flashbacks of her in the salon, and her with the scarf over her head. Rhonda is giving her the choice to have the hair color she wants.

Candy talked to her son about his court case. He is being counseled to plead guilty to burglary. She said he is screwed if he does that, he will never get a job, it is a felony. Her son says I just need to know what to do. She said it is his choice, his decision. He has to know the consequences of pleading innocent to something he didn’t do. He said what do you think I should do, and Candy said I can’t decide that for you. Way to go, Candy!!

Cassie went to the salon, getting another color; she wants it lighter, but not as light as it was.

Vanessa was in the gym, watching young gymnastics. She met with another former gymnast, she is much older. She asked Vanessa to do a flip, and she said she would spot her. She did fine, and the woman said she trusted herself, and trusted her to spot her. Focus on all the times she has done well, has accomplished her goal. She has it in her.

Cassie came back to the house; the color looks the same to me! Candy told her housemates about her son. Rachael said she should call Iyanla. Then, she walked in the door! She met with Candy right away. Candy said that her son is scared, and she didn’t make the decision for him. She is scared too, and Iyanla is glad she admitted she shared that feeling. She said she loved him, and she would support him and his decision.

Cassie told Rhonda and Dr. Stan she is relocating to California with a friend. She is going to take the GED and apply to a school for classes. She has overcome her fear, and they are so proud of her. Rhonda said whenever you think you can’t do something, remember the Starting Over house.

Denise and Kim come to the house for Cassie’s graduation. They are in the house, and the candles are lit. Rhonda said the bottom line is that Cassie found Cassie. We see flashbacks of her story. (Sorry, I like Cassie’s old hair! Maybe not the color, but the curls look better). We see her progress, and her growth. Rhonda said she has a mother’s heart. She is in awe of Cassie, and how she was not devastated by the news from the birth mother about her son.

Dr. Stan said she chose her son’s welfare over her own. He knows that was hard, and he believes she may get to see her son some day. He knows if it doesn’t happen, she will be okay. Rachael said Cassie will be the first one she will call when she meets with her father. She laughs, and says say no to big bangs! (&#61516

Denise said Cassie she was afraid of her, because she didn’t want to be seen as weak. Cassie always saw the good in her, before she saw it in herself, and she will always be grateful to Cassie for that.

Iyanla gave Cassie ten hours of private one-on-one tutoring to pass the math portion of the GED. She got a $3000 educational scholarship to pursue a vocational nursing degree at the school of her choice. Rhonda gave her a Starting Over diploma. Her surprise guest John Davidson! He sang and played for her, and she is so giddy and star-struck! He presented her with the SO trophy. She said she can’t believe how far she has come. She said she has no shame, she has no fear, I am Cassie, and I am here!

She said the way to start over is to surrender and reach out your hand for help. If she can do it, anyone can. I think her story has touched many lives, and hope the best for Cassie. I hope the world doesn’t beat her down too far or too fast.

Next week, the new roommate arrives, Candy undergoes a transformation, Allison tries not to give up, and Rachael learns a secret about a family member (aunty). Have a good weekend, all of you!