Starting Over Talk - Peer Coaching Support Site

You know how sometimes a perception comes through more from the tone and body language than the words used? It's kind of hard to point those instances up on a message board like this one.

One instance I can think of is how whiny she will be when things are what not she "expects to happen", it's the same tactic her mom uses. And, just like mom, she will use "fine, just fine" when one of the houseguests asks about things, then in the confessional she is NOT fine - she gripes, criticizes, talks behind her housemates' backs and whines some more! (I guess she also "wines" based on her past behavior. I never saw that really addressed.)

Wow, wanting entire days dedicated to her - didn't get the birthday she "expected", nor the homecoming from Houson she "expected", nor the graduation goodies. And how dramatic & controlling to make the late appearance when the graduation ceremony finally comes. (HELLO! this is your second graduation, Allison!)

I think Turtle expressed it well:

QUOTE:
And, if it would serve Allison's needs for the "center billing" she craves, I'll bet she could lay some heavy guilt trips of her own. She's used other means, such as her emotions, to control and manipulate others. Did she learn these techniques at her mother's knee? Maybe.

Boppler wrote:

QUOTE:
You know how sometimes a perception comes through more from the tone and body language than the words used? It's kind of hard to point those instances up on a message board like this one.

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This is true, that's why I clarified my question. After going back and reading the post, it did look kinda smart a--, which is not my nature.

It's interesting you brought up Allison acting much like her mother. I remember her discussing her mother on the show and maybe talking to her on the phone, but, I didn't recall her coming on the show. Did she? At what point did that happen.
Sometimes I do forget details.

I know that sometimes I think I am becoming sooooo much like my mother. Some of the behavior is okay, but there are some things, that I just as sooned not pick up. There is a saying that we all turn into our parents. I find that since I hit 40 it has become more noticeable.

No, Allison's mom never came on the show.. Only be way of phone conversations did we get a glimpse into life with her. I agree that we learn what we live.. and I'm sure Allison's no different. She obviously picked up people pleasing as a means to survive and be accepted and for validation. Of course the motives may be skewed.. Sort of like putting the cart before the horse. But I've been guilty of doing that too... I know others who've fallen in that trap... Seems like Jill is struggling with very similar issues as Allison... and trying to break free... without the guilt.

tudin_girl wrote:

QUOTE:
Allison loves to play the martyr role and she has it down perfectly. I've always avoided saying negative about any of the houseguests even the ones I didn't like, but she takes the cake. When Iyanla had her go in there and "yell" about the kitchen I almost had to turn my tv off.

It's just my opinion but Allison is/was only there for one thing....to gain more sympathy for herself and promote her career.

AMEN!!

PP

KPW1956 wrote:

QUOTE:
No, Allison's mom never came on the show.. Only be way of phone conversations did we get a glimpse into life with her. I agree that we learn what we live.. and I'm sure Allison's no different. She obviously picked up people pleasing as a means to survive and be accepted and for validation. Of course the motives may be skewed.. Sort of like putting the cart before the horse. But I've been guilty of doing that too... I know others who've fallen in that trap... Seems like Jill is struggling with very similar issues as Allison... and trying to break free... without the guilt.

As one who "broke free"..!!!!...I'm not sure people are always aware of their so called motives. As you say, we learn what we live, so it can just be a matter of "second nature" to some. Cleaning up
"other peoples' messes"....I never thought of it quite that way...but did finally notice, after many years, that I did not have any energy left over for myself! How to ignore a plea for help is the question!!
I finally learned, long before Iyanla made the point with Allison...if you don't do it , they will find another way. They DO find another way! For me, it was just a matter of exhaustion!! (I'm not talking about cleaning kitchens here!). As to guilt free? Not quite! I always thought, if someone asks for help, and you have the means, why wouldn't you? The answer was....you will always be their FIRST option, the easy way out, and you rob them of the opportunity to find that they can, indeed, do it for themselves. THAT was the lightbulb that enabled me to "set boundaries."Oh, the relief!!!

I'm glad that lightbulb came on for my husband. He finally realized, after years of giving his son "handouts," that he weas only enablng him. To amount to absolutely nothing. So, he changed his phone number. And, told his son he'd had the phone disconnected.