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Thursday January 12, 2006
Lisa A is getting ready in the morning and she says that today is better and that she is feeling good. She says she had a good nights rest and it ready to face the challenges of the day.
Rhonda calls and TJ tells her that she had a conflict with Jill yesterday. TJ says that since Ally left she is feeling totally detached. TJ says that she knows Jill is going through her things and is preparing for graduation and TJ is just trying to be present. TJ says that she is so overwhelmed and in such fear because Jessica left and Ally left and she is reverting back to her old patterns. Rhonda says she wants to acknowledge that TJ is in a power struggle and this is an opportunity and a challenge. Rhonda asks TJ what she wants out of the visit with her husband. TJ says a nice feeling of safety and comfort. In confessional, Rhonda says that TJ has been headway towards her goals, so she has invited Rick to the house in order for TJ to see how far she has come and how far she still has to go. Rhonda tells TJ she has to very conscientious of is her expectations. TJ says definitely.
Iyanla takes Lisa A and says welcome to the war zone. Iyanla tells LA that she is in a war and LA says she knows. Iyanla asks LA what she thinks she is in a war over. LA says trying to keep herself from not drowning in all of the things she is dealing with right now. In confessional, Iyanla says that she is meeting with LA so they can begin working on her first step of evaluating her situation and it is akin to a military operation. Iyanla has a large model map of a war zone and tells LA that this is her life. The first place is Judgment Hill. LA says that she judges people for their wrongs. Next is Desert of Depression. LA says that is where she dwells. Iyanla asks LA where her favorite spot is and then labels Hideout Canyon. Iyanla asks LA how Hideout Canyon serves her. LA says that she doesn’t have to face it all and she doesn’t have to go out and look at it and have it remind her of what she has done to herself. Iyanla asks why she cares and she says that if so and so knows this, it will be embarrassing and she wants everyone to think she has a happy go lucky marriage. Iyanla tells LA that it is a lie, and LA says that it is a lie. Iyanla asks LA what she is hiding from.
Lisa is in the kitchen talking to Christina about her date. She says that he gave her a baby kiss and it was cute. Lisa says that her date said the nicest thing when he asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up and Lisa says that she said she didn’t know, she was still looking for her passion, and she has done a lot of things. Lisa tells Christina that her date said that it wasn’t a bad thing and to look at it like there is a lot of possibilities. In confessional, Lisa says that if dating was so effortless and fun she would be dating every night. She says that she has to be like that on every date. Lisa says that TJ’s husband is coming and Christina says she can’t wait. Lisa asks if that is TJ coming and TJ comes walking in the kitchen. TJ says that it is freaking hot and Lisa asks if it is because her husband is coming and TJ says that it is because she is hot. Christina asks TJ if her husband will be staying in the guest room and TJ says that this will be a conjugal visit. Christina asks TJ if she is finally going to give him some and TJ says that yes, she is going to give him some. TJ says that she and her husband conjugate and quite well she might add. Lisa asks if they are going to make a baby and TJ says no. Lisa says she think that TJ is ready to have a baby. TJ responds that she wants to leave the SOH and have everything be perfect.
Iyanla tells LA in order to win this battle and rebuild the ruins on her life she has to take total responsibility for her life. Iyanla gives LA some flags and tells her that they are landmarks for her landscape. She tells her to write what she is hiding from, what/who she is judging, what is keeping her depressed. In confessional, Iyanla says that LA has constructed a cocoon of pity in order to blame others for her life. Iyanla says that is not going to happen on her watch and says it’s time for this cadet to get a dose of reality. Iyanla asks LA who she watched suffer in their marriage. She says her children and herself. Iyanla tells LA to talk about her mom and then asked if her mom suffered in her marriage. LA says yes. In confessional, Iyanla says that our relationship with our parents serves as a model for how we will be in a relationship with other people in our lives. LA had a difficult childhood where the truth wasn’t told and reality was denied, and that is exactly how LA has lived in her marriage and in every area of her life. LA says that she married her dad. Iyanla says that she did. Iyanla asks what she judged about her dad. LA says that he had extra marital affairs on her mother. Iyanla says bingo and then tells LA that she didn’t marry her dad, she is her dad. She married his behavior. Iyanla tells LA that she wants her to get gut level deep down nasty honest about herself and what she has done and what she hasn’t done. Iyanla tells her to tell the truth and nothing but the truth, every lie, every story because if they don’t know the landscape the enemy will get them at any time. LA says in confessional that looking at this war zone she can she that there are problems there she needs to work through and that she will have to work through her past which is tough for her to do.
LA is outside talking to TJ and asks how TJ and her husband came to start this business. TJ says that it is a long story. TJ says that they were both in sales and she was very unhappy. She says that Rick would go to work with her and he had such a way with the clients. TJ says that she told Rick to quit his job because the company that they worked for owned a bunch of group homes. He did quit and they worked at the same company and they were both so happy. In confessional, TJ says that Rick has been so supportive in this whole process and she is so excited to share all the experiences and awarenesses that she has come to and where she is. TJ tells LA if she has to live under a bridge in a box with Rick and stay happy then that is what she will do because that is all that matters.
The women walk in to the group room and are looking around confused. The couches are missing. In confessional, Jill says that she is walking in the room and she is wondering where the couches are and what is going on. She says that she hopes it is not a yoga lesson. Lisa says that it is pretty suspicious. Iyanla pokes her head in the door and then starts tossing giant exercise balls in the room. All the women get one and Lisa is hopping up and down on her saying fun! Iyanla says that their discussion is about relationships. Iyanla asks if we don’t have a tendency to bounce around in relationships depending on what is going on. In confessional, Iyanla says that today’s lesson is about finding a core and striking a balance. Iyanla tells them that the balls are going to help illustrate because they are used to strengthen your core. Iyanla says that unless you have a solid well balanced core you will bounce around in your relationships. Iyanla asks TJ if she knows how to do a crunch on the ball. TJ says yes and Iyanla tells her to do some crunches. As TJ does the crunches, Iyanla says that crunches are good for building your core because abs are core. Iyanla tells TJ that they have learned that she has a very strong back and a solid core. Iyanla says that in relationships not only do you need a strong core, but you also need the softness. Iyanla tells TJ to lie over the ball limp. Iyanla asks TJ how it feels and TJ says that it hurts a little bit. Iyanla says that when it comes time to soften and relax she has difficulty. TJ says that is valid. Iyanla says that in relationships sometimes you have to be soft and flexible. Iyanla asks the women how they strengthen their core. Jill says that she takes time out in the morning and reads her affirmation. Iyanla asks LA how she centers herself and she says that she doesn’t. Iyanla asks her what her day looks like because she doesn’t do that and LA says that she runs away from home, works a couple of places. She says it’s not her home and she can go and relax and forget about everything. Iyanla asks her if she knows how to do a crunch and LA acts unsure. Iyanla tells her to find her center. LA says that she can’t. Iyanla asks Christina if she knows how to do it. She describes how to do it and Christina does it. Iyanla says excellent and then asks LA if she feels it. LA says yes. Iyanla says that Christina’s stomach muscles are the ones doing the work and then asks LA if she feels it in her muscles. LA says that she feels like she does. Iyanla tells her that Christina does all of the work while LA gets all of the benefit and Iyanla says she wants to offer that is exactly how LA lives her life that others work and she gets the benefit. In confessional, Iyanla says that LA has a tendency to make others responsible for her life, blame them for what goes wrong, and then rely on them to support her, and she does this in many aspects of her life. Iyanla tells LA that she bases her core on what others do and that she is benefiting from someone else’s work. Iyanla tells LA that she has to do her own work. Iyanla says that she sees that not only is LA’s core weak, but she doesn’t center herself and her backbone is weak too. Iyanla tells the women to stand up and think of the most difficult relationship in their life and then to sit on that relationship (ball). Iyanla asks what they need to do to find balance in the difficult relationships with their lives. LA says she needs to find her core and center herself. Jill says that she needs to stand for herself and her ground. TJ says she needs to be vulnerable. Iyanla tells them that they need to do and their balls will teach them. Iyanla tells them she has an announcement and says that TJ’s husband is coming. Iyanla asks TJ if she is excited and TJ says that she is. In confessional, TJ says that it is so hard to concentrate because she is so excited. Iyanla adjourns group and asks Christina if she has her birth certificate and social security card because she is going to be taking the GED. Christina says that it is going to be a breeze. Iyanla says that it will be a breeze because everything that Christina knows is on the test. Christina hugs Iyanla.
TJ is talking to Jill and says that she feels like they are closed. TJ says that Jill seems pretty pissed. Jill says she was. TJ says that is what she needs to hear. Jill says she needs to focus on what she learned about love and forgiveness. Jill says as far as she and TJ are concerned they have a different viewpoint and opinion. TJ says that hopefully their relationship is strong enough to withstand it and that they take it as a growing experience. TJ says that is how she is looking at it.
LA is back with her landscape. She says that Iyanla wants her to put flags up to take ownership of what she has done in her past and she doesn’t feel she should own those things. She feels like other people should own those problems.
Dr Stan meets with Kim in the study. In confessional, Dr Stan says he is meeting with her to find out why she has come to the SOH and what she hopes to gain from being there. Kim says that she feels that she is fighting for her life and that she wants to live. She feels the only way to truly live is to heal the wounds of her childhood. Dr Stan asks Kim if she was abused and she says yes. Dr Stan tells her that she has never been able to put it in perspective in order to put it behind her, and that he can see it in her eyes. Dr Stan asks if she has any children and Kim says yes, Jax, who will be turning two. Dr Stan says that to leave her son and her husband she must have really been in pain. She says that she got to be an emotional wreck and that it has continued after her son was born. Dr Stan asks her to tell him about the birth of her son. Kim says that she doesn’t really remember it and that her husband taped part of it and when she watches the tape she can remember being there. She doesn’t know if her disconnection was because of the medication or the pain, and that maybe she just didn’t want to feel.
TJ says that she doesn’t know what time Rick is arriving and that she is going through the motions and that she wrote Rick a love letter for their date tonight.
Iyanla goes back to see LA. Iyanla asks LA if the mission is accomplished. LA says that she had a problem deciding where to put certain things. Iyanla says that it looks like she used very few words. Iyanla takes a long stick and pushes the flags where she can read them: bills, my dad, my husband. Iyanla yells and asks what it means. Iyanla says that you cannot have a plan without finite details. Iyanla says that she doesn’t see irresponsibility or lies anywhere on the map. Iyanla tells LA that she would lose this battle and that she needs to get specific. Iyanla tells her that she has 7 minutes. In confessional, Iyanla says that LA doesn’t get it not because she doesn’t want to, but because she is so deep in denial and that it has created a resistance to ownership that it is about to explode. Iyanla says that she has 7 minutes to pull out. In confessional, LA says that she is nervous because Iyanla says the she isn’t fessing up to what she has done wrong and that it is pissing her off. Iyanla comes back and asks LA how she is doing. LA says not well and that she doesn’t know how to put in words. LA says that she doesn’t feel like the guilty one and that she isn’t responsible. Iyanla tells LA that this is her life. In confessional, LA says that she doesn’t want ownership of the problems in her marriage because her husband is the one that cause the problems. She says that she doesn’t feel she is ready to accept it. Iyanla asks LA whose unhappiness this is and LA says hers. Iyanla tells her to own it and that she is trying to place blame. Iyanla tells LA it’s because she doesn’t know who the enemy is and LA says that she doesn’t. Iyanla holds up her hand and tells LA that it is a mirror. Iyanla tells LA that she is the enemy and then says “The enemy is in me.” Iyanla tells her not to judge it and that the key is that she did the best she could and that she didn’t know any better. Iyanla tells her that it doesn’t mean that she doesn’t have to clean it up. Iyanla tells her that they have failed the mission and that when they lay a landscape there has to be details. Iyanla tells LA that there are some elder statesmen in the house and that LA should go to them for support and help with this.
Dr Stan with Kim asks how her relationship with her husband changed after the birth of her son. Kim says she felt more disappointment in her husband that he didn’t see that she needed help and when she asked for help he didn’t hear her or support her. Dr Stan asks how she came to marry a man that didn’t support her pregnancy. Kim says that she doesn’t know and wonders looking back if she had it before and if it disintegrated because they have been married so long. Dr Stan asks Kim what she would like her relationship with her husband to look like. Kim says that she wants to emotionally connect with him, feel like he is her best friend, and biggest supporter. Kim says that she doesn’t think that her husband is emotionally available and that he doesn’t care or really love her. Kim says that maybe it is because her expectations are too high or that maybe deep down she married a man that wouldn’t be able to fill her needs. Dr Stan asks if this is the man she married. Kim says yes. Dr Stan says that she has to look at if she married the wrong man or if she married a man that she thought she could change. Dr Stan says that they will be talking more about all of these issues.
Ally calls and asks Lisa how her date went. Lisa says they didn’t get in until 1:30 in the morning. Lisa says they talked for four hours and they lost track of time. Ally says didn’t she tell Lisa that he was the right one. Lisa says that he was the right one by far. Lisa tells Ally that he said the best thing when he asked what she wanted to do. Lisa tells Ally that Rhonda told her to tell people that she is still trying to find her passion when asked what she does. In confessional, Lisa says that she likes being in control. She says that she is used to going out with bullies, but she likes being an empowered woman. Allison asks if Lisa is going to see him again and Lisa says yes. Ally asks if she kissed him and Lisa says yes and then says that he actually gave her a little kiss. Ally tells Lisa to tell TJ specifically to have fun today with her honey.
LA is outside and says that she is in a state of denial. TJ asks what her challenge is with. LA says that she is trying to understand it and that she it trying to own it and take responsibility, and that even though she did the best she could it wasn’t enough. LA says that getting to the point to admitting to yourself that you made those mistakes, owning it, and taking responsibility is when the work begins In confessional, Kim says that it is LA’s second say in the house and she is having a hard time with her assignment and not sure of how to do it. She says that in order for LA to deal with her issues she is going to have to be very honest with herself and with others.
Rick arrives at the house and TJ runs to the door and they share a tearful embrace. Rick tells TJ that he loves her. In confessional, TJ says that when she first sees Ricks he is that safe place to fall, her best friend, and such an awesome human being. She says that it feels so good to have him hug her. Rick comes in the house and Kim and LA come to meet him. In confessional, Rick says that TJ is starting to be more in her heart than in her head and he can see the change in her. Jill comes in and meets Rick. Jill asks Rick how his trip was and he said good and then told a little story about how they took him to get something to eat and everyone was looking at the ground. He was wondering about it and looked down and he was looking at the Walk of Fame. He says that he whipped out his phone camera and started taking pictures. In confessional, Jill says for the love of Christmas, it’s a male TJ. Jill says that’s impossible and says that it’s TJ only a male and bigger. Rick tells TJ that he can tell the difference I her. He tells her that she sounds so much clearer than before. They hug and he is crying and telling her how proud he is of her.
Lisa and Kim help LA carry her landscape into the house. LA tells them that this her landscape and when she looks at it she thinks, “Whoa, this is bad!” LA says that this is her war zone and that she has lives a life of lies. Lisa asks her what the lies that she has told and lived to herself and others. LA says the lies are that she has a happy marriage, and that her kids are ok, and that her spending is under control. Lisa tells LA that she is trying to understand how she is like her father. LA says that she judged her father, her husband, and her mother. Lisa asks if LA judges her mother because she stayed with her father and LA says yes. Lisa says that LA stayed with her husband, too, and she wonders why that is. LA says she wonders. In confessional, Lisa says that LA is in denial about her part in her life. Lisa says that LA really thinks that her life is miserable because of her husband. Kim tells LA that Iyanla had her do this exercise for a reason and that if she doesn’t do it the right way then it was all for naught. Kim tells LA that she is explaining some of it to them and asks if her problem is getting it down on paper or that she doesn’t want to do it. LA says that she just doesn’t want to do the assignment. In confessional, Lisa says that LA really feels justified in being the victim and she has a feeling that Iyanla is going to take care of that very soon.
In confessional, TJ says that she and Rick are being given the opportunity to go out to a lobster house for dinner. All the women are sitting in the backyard having dinner and Rick is talking to them. He says that he feels like his biggest challenge is to grow himself while TJ is here doing all this work. Rick says he feels that he needs to be proactive on his end while TJ is at the house. LA says that it is great just that he thinks about it and the other women agree. Kim says that she wished that she and her husband had spent time in the beginning talking like Rick said he and TJ did. Kim says that she wants that. Rick says that in the beginning TJ did a lot of talking and he did a lot of listening and not responding. In confessional, Lisa says that TJ’s husband is so good looking, so honest, so nice, and so open that he’s unbelievable. Lisa says that she doesn’t know how TJ got him. Lisa asks what the turning point was for resisting help to be accepting of it. Rick says that after he got over the initial “how dare you say I need therapy” reaction he thought about it he was able to analyze it and then he did it. He says the therapist got him to the point to where he could open up and that he just needed the tools and to work with them once he got them. Rick says that the hardest part is to do the work. TJ is in the bathroom getting ready and Lisa and LA are in the bathroom with TJ. LA asks what TJ’s name is or what her initials stand for. Lisa says that she won’t tell. I think TJ says that it’s Thumbelina. Lisa then says, wait, it’s like Tanni, not Tannia. TJ says hey, Lisa, I’ve asked you before and I am not going to play these games with you today. TJ says, please I’ve asked you before and when people don’t respect my boundaries, and she has to make a big deal out of it, she has to be a bitch and she doesn’t like to. In confessional, TJ says that when Lisa crossed her boundary it made her feel a little anxious. TJ says that if she doesn’t want to talk about cottage cheese, she doesn’t want to talk about it. Get that! TJ lets out an “aargh” in the bathroom.
TJ and Rick leave for their date. They get to the restaurant and are seated. They are sitting looking at the menus and TJ keeps asking Rick if he is doing chicken or if he is doing fish. He says that he doesn’t know and TJ says that she will just shut up then. In confessional, Rick says that before TJ came to the SOH she was constantly in her head and not in the moment and in her heart. TJ tells Rick that he said earlier that he sees changes in her and she asks what they are. He says that she is less distant. She has opened a door and stepped through rather than being defensive. Rick tells her that it is so cool because she is experiencing that with her housemates and he thinks that she will continue a relationship with them after she leaves. TJ asks him what makes him so sure. Rick tells her that he is going to hold her to it because that he is part of the relationship and he has to hold her to it. He tells her that they are human and they are going to make mistakes, but as long as they are on the same page of what we want to grow and learn in life they will be able to express that. In confessional, TJ says that Rick has been supportive of this whole situation. She says that it is really in support of them and that the healthier they are as individuals, the better their relationship will be.
Back at the house, Lisa, Jill, and LA are talking. Jill says that TJ is just TJ. Lisa says that there are a lot of TJs in the world and if you can deal with the TJ in the house then you can deal with the TJs of the world. Lisa says that TJ is psycho, and then says she is f’ing psycho, man. Lisa says that TJ was screaming at her about her name and Lisa says that she didn’t name TJ. LA says that TJ came kind of unglued and she thought whoa. Lisa says that TJ did that in front of new people who didn’t know she was freaked out about her name. Lisa says it’s her name! She says if her name is touchy what else is touchy, her birthday? Lisa cowers back and acts scared saying don’t ask! Don’t ask! In confessional, Lisa says that TJ is still TJ and she is still her so there is going to be some fire there. Lisa says she personally thinks that TJ is overreacting and being psycho, but she did bring up the unmentionable, her name, in front of the new girls. Lisa says to LA that TJ does have a point in that she crossed TJ’s boundary by joking about a sensitive subject. Lisa says that she owns it because they have learned to do that here. Lisa says she apologizes and that TJ has been doing a lot better in a lot of areas, she will give TJ that.
Back at the restaurant, TJ gives her love letter to Rick and then decides to read it to him. She reads: Dear Rick, Your love has been the safe place to fall, the never ending source of compassion, and the light that brings me through the darkness. I am more fulfilled today than when we met 15 years ago. You taught me to love, have compassion, and most important to forgive. I feel so incredible honored to be your friend, your wife, and your partner. Rick hugs her and has tears running down his face. In confessional, Rick says that he can’t repeat word for word what she has said, but he is going to save that letter. Rick says it’s amazing that 15 years is this. The roller coaster they have been on has led them to this. In confessional, TJ says that it is an amazing feeling to know at the end of the day that she has someone to support her. Rick hugs TJ again and thanks her.
Next on Starting Over: TJ and her husband come clean. Rhonda tells Rick and TJ if there is anything they are keeping from each other, that now is the time to deal with it and lay it all on the table. LA opens up. La is crying and says that it is tough to get out of that box. Kim struggles to face her hellish past. Kim says that there have been a couple of times that she has talked him down. Rhonda tells Kim that she wants her to get angry. Kim asks how angry. In confessional, Rhonda says that these unexpressed feelings are eating Kim from the inside.
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