Starting Over Talk - Peer Coaching Support Site

Thursday November 17, 2005

TJ is in the kitchen making coffee and Lisa is talking about her parents visit. Lisa says that her mother told her that she only came to the house to help Lisa and that she didn’t want to really come to the house at all, but made herself, but ended up getting a lot out of it. Allison is sitting there and says that she wants her mom out to the house so bad. Allison says that she is done, though, and moving on. Lisa says that her mom said that too, and that she also said she felt very empowered. Lisa says that the power is in the present moment and you choose it. She says that it is all a choice. She says that is exactly what Rhonda told her when Lisa asked if she was getting kicked out of the house. Rhonda told Lisa that it was all her choice and up to her. Allison asks Lisa if she had talked to Rhonda and Lisa says no, not for a couple days because she had all this stuff. In confessional, Lisa says a few days ago she got an assignment to go to a store and take necklaces that she had made, but her parents were in town so she didn’t follow up on the orders. Lisa says she doesn’t think it’s that big of a deal. Lisa is talking and pretending to freak out and then calmly says she is not going to be like that because she can handle it whatever it is. In confessional, Allison says that she knows Lisa is going to be in so much trouble. Allison says she is trying to protect Lisa, but she is just not getting it. Allison says that Lisa should know from the first assignment and the first wrath of Rhonda that you complete the assignments, but she is just not doing it. Lisa says that this is such a non-issue. She says she realizes that it is her getting her all serious about something and that is not the point of the exercise. She said she would have talked to Dr Stan about it if it were so important. She says that it was just a way for her to create drama.

Dr Stan is meeting with Jill and asks her how she is doing. Jill says that she is doing good and that she had a difficult conversation with her mother yesterday. Jill says her mother knew that Jill is not happy there and her mother wants her to be happy, and Jill says her mother told her that she would just deal with it. In confessional, Jill says that she and her mother can no longer live in the same place and that she has to set her own boundaries and one of them is that they live separately. Dr Stan says that it sounds as if it was a successful phone call and that she was assertive. Jill says yes and that this was a phone call that she had been dreading for three years. Jill says while she was happy that she could do it she said there was a lot of sadness there too. Jill says there was then a feeling of now what. Dr Stan asks if it was a little bit of fear, and Jill says yes. Dr Stan says fear of the unknown. Jill says that when she said it to her mother she was like she just didn’t know, but she knows what she doesn’t want and she feels better that she is able to stand up for that. Dr Stan tells Jill that she can be sad and proud of herself for being assertive and taking this step towards independence. Dr Stan gives Jill a note from Iyanla and asks her to read it so they both know what it says. Jill opens the note and reads that today she will meet Lisa Garr who hosts the aware show. It’s a show about growth and change and she will be interviewed by Lisa and sharing the story of her health crisis. Dr Stan tells Jill that she has a real opportunity here. He tells Jill that she is going to be able to an example to someone who, although she didn’t take care of her health then, she has made it a top priority in her life and is redirecting herself. Dr Stan tells her to be honest, truthful, and to be an inspiration.

Josie and Chloe come into the house and everyone comes to greet them. Allison is talking to Chloe about her sundress. In confessional, Christina says that she is not thrilled to see Josie there. Christina says that Josie kind of acted out last night and hasn’t had the chance to enjoy her company. Jill tells them women that she is going to be on the radio to share her story about her upcoming surgery and her health crisis. In confessional, Jill says that she is looking forward to being back on the radio. She says it’s been almost a year since she has been on the air and it will be nice to see if she still has her chops. Jill leaves and says bye to everyone.

Lisa has a meeting with Rhonda and Dr Stan and walking in she says she has the feeling it is not going to be good. Dr Stan and Rhonda ask her why she thinks that and Lisa starts whining that she doesn’t know because they are both there. Rhonda asks Lisa if she has done something. Lisa says there is something that she wanted to discuss. Dr Stan asks Lisa what she was thinking about. Lisa says that she had some confusion over the assignment that she was given last week. In confessional, Rhonda says that Lisa was hoping that Rhonda would forget about the jewelry and that the assignment was over. Rhonda says not so fast, in the SOH you have to complete your tasks. Rhonda shows Lisa a tape of her telling the shop owners that she would bring them jewelry on Monday and Saturday. Rhonda tells Lisa that that was yesterday and three days ago. In confessional, Rhonda says that Lisa absolutely ignored her appointments and basically blew off her customers. Dr Stan tells Lisa that she is there to learn all the things that she wasn’t able to learn when she was growing up. Dr Stan tells Lisa that she could have called him or Rhonda at any time about this. Rhonda tells Lisa that she has been sitting on this for five days and that’s a long time. Lisa starts whining and says that she thought she had to figure it out for herself and that she was supposed to be an adult. She says she doesn’t know why it is so hard for her to call. Rhonda says that she would buy the tears if it was one or two days later, but it is five days later. Rhonda asks Lisa if she knew that she wasn’t completing the exercise and if so when did she know it. Lisa says that she knew right away. Lisa says that she was hoping it would just go away. Rhonda tells Lisa that she promised she would never fail to complete an exercise again. Lisa says that she did. Rhonda tells Lisa that she made that commitment. Lisa says that she did it anyway. Dr Stan tells Lisa that maybe she is not ready to be in the house. Lisa says that she is ready to be in the house, but not ready to have a job. Rhonda says that she doesn’t believe that. Dr Stan tells Lisa that there are going to be things about her job that she is not going to like, but it is about learning through the experience. In confessional, Lisa says that she just doesn’t like doing this and doesn’t understand why it’s so important for her to do this exercise except to make her realize that there are things in life that you don’t like that you have to do, duh! Rhonda tells Lisa that it was not an exercise to throw her off the cliff; it was the culmination of all the exercises. Lisa starts to whine and asks if she can start over again. Rhonda tells her that it would be her second failed exercise and that no woman has ever been able to stay in the house after two failed exercises. Lisa says that she can’t go back home like this all half, and Rhonda tells her that she can go home like this. Lisa says that she can, but she doesn’t want to. Rhonda says that if that were true she would have called either herself or Dr Stan. In confessional, Rhonda says that she and Dr Stan are not Lisa parents, but that is how Lisa is treating them. Rhonda says Lisa is going into small child mode to get what she wants and she and Dr Stan are not going to give it to her because if they do Lisa will remain stuck. Dr Stan asks Lisa what is going to be different if they give them another chance. Rhonda takes out the baby dress and tells Lisa that she can stay a child because she is goof at it or she can grow up. Lisa says crying and says she wants to grow up. Rhonda tells her then no more tears and Dr Stan repeats it. Rhonda tells her it is manipulative. Lisa says she doesn’t do it on purpose. Dr Stan says she goes to the tears rather than take charge and be an adult. Lisa says that she wants to be an adult and that she will do whatever it takes. She tells Dr Stan and Rhonda that she completely trusts the both of them. Rhonda says great and tells Lisa that she has 24 hours to clean up her mess. She tells Lisa to call up the people she had orders with and apologize for not being late ad not making any excuses. (My TV station blacked out for a couple of seconds here so I missed some of the dialogue. Sorry. ) In confessional, Lisa says that Rhonda and Dr Stan are telling her all of these horrible things bout herself that she is in denial about and she is going to have to confront them and deal with them if she wants to stay in the house. Rhonda tells Lisa that she never wants to hear another excuse out of her mouth again. Dr Stan tells Lisa that this is a challenge and not a threat to prove to him and Rhonda that she is really motivated. Rhonda tells Lisa welcome to the world of grownups.

Jill is at the radio station for her interview. Jill says that she came to the house thinking that she needs to move out of living with her mother and everything in her life would fall into place. Jill says that her goal is to come out of hiding. In confessional, Jill says that it has been two years since she has been in a radio studio and she is amazed at how comfortable and happy she is to be back in the studio. Lisa asks Jill about her discovery about her health condition. Jill tells Lisa that she went to a pulmonary doctor that led to a hematologist that led to the ob/gyn. Jill says that she thought she was finally starting to take her life seriously and she was worried about not completing another thing in her life. She says that when all the emotional stuff started coming up, that is when the health issues started to surface. Lisa says that it almost easier to cruise through life and be out of touch with your body and be in denial about it until a health crisis comes up. Jill talks bout health care and how she was irresponsible for not having health insurance. Lisa says that insurance costs are through the roof that companies are not supplying health care because health care costs are through the roof. Lisa says that 45 million in the US are not insured. Jill says if someone doesn’t have an urgent medical need to start researching right now and that it is a lot of hard work. Lisa asks Jill what advice she would give to someone in the same place right not in denial about your issues. Jill says to get off the couch and make a list of things you are deathly afraid of and things that if people found out about you, you would just die. Then list all of the things that you think you cannot do and that becomes your to do list. In confessional, Jill says that it is so familiar and like being at home. She says it’s just someplace that she is really comfortable because she is good there and she excels there. She says that she is on and it’s her stage. Lisa thanks Jill and tells her that she will be an inspiration to a lot of people.

In confessional, Lisa says she has to make a lot of jewelry tonight and she hasn’t even been to the store yet. She says that she needs to take what little energy she has left and so it. Allison comes in and says Hi. Lisa says that she jus doesn’t have time to BS right now. She tells Allison that she has all this to do before tomorrow or she gets kicked out of the house and so she doesn’t want to talk to anyone. Lisa is rushing around and TJ says something to her and Lisa says that she can’t talk right now. TJ says alright.

Josie is at the fridge with Chloe and they are looking in there and Josie is telling Chloe there isn’t anything in there for her. Josie tells Chloe there is juice. In confessional, Josie says that she is feeling anxious and getting back into the flow of the SO process and she is wondering what is in store for her today.

Rhonda comes in for group today. Rhonda says the question is when are you going to stop blaming you parents. In confessional, Rhonda says that the women in the SOH have strained relationships with their parents and she is sure that they blame their parents for their problems. Rhonda says that she wants to hear the worst thing that their parents ever did to them. Rhonda tells the women to convince her of their guilt. Christina says that her parents let her get married. Rhonda says yeah, and let’s join Christina in the Boo-ness. Christina says she doesn’t know what they were thinking letting their 16 year old get married. Rhonda says that what happened to Christina is all her parents fault, and Christina says all their fault. TJ says not protecting her after she was molested. TJ says that her parents discounted the whole thing and that they swept it under the rug thinking that it would just go away. Rhonda asks if a theme in her house was they wouldn’t talk about it, and TJ says yes. Rhonda then asks them to tell her something terrible that happened to their parents. Allison says that her mother was forced to take care of her parents and they were both alcoholics and her dad had to be someone that he didn’t want to be. She said that her dad was in school and was smart and was studying to be a doctor. Allison says that he had to come home and run the family business and become a pharmacist instead of a doctor. Lisa says that her father’s mother gave him away and turned around and got married and had three other kids. Lisa says that her mother was told by Lisa’s great grandmother that she was stupid and inadequate and hated her. Lisa says that she understand where her parents would have problems saying certain things to her. Rhonda tells the women that we carry the unhealed wounds of our parents. And in the SOH they are there to heal themselves, but they are also healing the legacy of their own family. Rhonda says that she thinks one of the ways to heal ourselves is to see our parents as children with fears and worries and have had terrible things happen to them. In confessional, Rhonda says that many of the women don’t move forward in their life because they blame their parents. Rhonda says that if they see their parents as human beings then they have to forgive them, and that means they have to move on.

Dr Stan is meeting with Josie and Christina. Josie tells Dr Stan that Chloe is eating oranges and will be joining them momentarily. Dr Stan says that he and Christina were talking about being a single parent and how to balance it all. Josie says that she aims big, but starts small so she doesn’t get overwhelmed and fall back farther than she progressed. Dr Stan tells Christina and Josie that he has invited an expert on single parents to the house to have her talk to them about being a single parent and finding balance.

Lisa is on the phone with one of the shop owners that she was supposed to deliver necklaces to. She tells him she was a naughty girl and didn’t come in like she was supposed to. He tells her that she was expecting her and she tells him that she had no good excuse. She then asks him if she can bring the necklaces to him tomorrow. He says she can. Allison and Jessica are in Allison’s room and they are talking. Jessica says that Lisa is never going to graduate because Rhonda told her she needed to figure out how to get back her steps. Allison says she knows and she told Lisa that the lesson is about the follow through and not about selling jewelry. In confessional, Jessica says that she hopes this is the last time that Lisa doesn’t follow through with her assignments because there are only so many times she is going to be able to do this and do many times they are going to be able to rally behind her and pull her through. Jessica tells Allison that it makes her sad, and Allison says that it makes her really sad.

The expert comes to meet with Christina and Josie. Dr Stan tells Christina and Josie that Martha is a counselor that specializes in single parenting and he is going to sit in while she talks to them. In confessional, Martha says that she is there to talk to about some of the complexities of single parenting and how difficult it is to have self care and be a priority in their life. Martha tells Josie and Christina that she is a single parent and that is a priority for her and asks how they make a life for themselves while they are raising Chloe and Jackson. Christina says she tries to keep in mind that she has a life too and tries to make time and her own space. Martha asks Christina what would happen if she wanted to go somewhere that didn’t have child care and Christina says that she would find someone to watch her son or not go depending on what it was she was going to. Martha asks Josie what she would do and Josie says that she is not going to stress herself out and put herself out by trying to find someone to watch Chloe because she knows the time will come when she gets to have fun again. Martha says that if they are nurtured they will be able to nurture the children. Martha says that just giving and working will make her tired and fatigued and will make it more difficult being a mother more than it already is. Dr Stan tells them that if they don’t have their own life or have healthy relationships they become a poor role model for their children because they rely on the child as their sole companion and that can be smothering and constricting for her growth and development. Dr Stan gives Christina a note from Iyanla and has Christina read it. The note says that she and Josie will be going to the house of the woman that made Christina’s boundary necklace to make something for their little ones. Dr Stan tells Josie that Chloe isn’t going and tells her to ask some of the housemates to watch Chloe and Josie says she doesn’t like that idea at all. Josie says that she doesn’t know the people in the house and although she trusts the house, she made it clear that where she went Chloe also needs to go. Dr Stan tells her that he knows she is uncomfortable, but wants to move her into the position where she doesn’t feel as much anxiety about leaving Chloe. In confessional, Josie says that she is being told again that she needs to take time for herself and it’s something that is hard or her to fathom and is giving her anxiety to think that she has to leave Chloe with people she just met. Dr Stan tells Josie he won’t force her. In confessional, Dr Stan says that it takes a lot of time and energy to convince Josie to leave Chloe. He says that they chose Jessica to watch Chloe because she is someone they could trust. Jessica comes in and Dr Stan explains what is going on and Jessica says that she will watch Chloe. Josie is upset, but Jessica takes her hand and sits closer to Josie. Jessica tells Josie that she has been a nanny since she was 14. Martha says goodbye and tells the women they have a lot of courage. Josie tells Jessica that she is going to the other room and is going to leave them to get to know each other. She says to call if she needs her. In confessional, Jessica says that she can see how nervous Josie is with leaving Chloe with a stranger. She says that Josie can trust her and there is no way that she would let anything happen to little Chloe.

Lisa is on the phone again with shop owners. In confessional, Lisa says that this sucks and she doesn’t want to call these people and apologize because she feels like a fool. She says it’s not how she wants to live or life or have people see her. All the vendors tell her that she can bring in the necklaces tomorrow afternoon.

Jill and TJ are talking outside about Lisa. Jill says that when you start talking to Lisa about the things she isn’t doing she gets angry and argumentative and hysterical. Jill says Lisa is her accountability sister and she feels like it goes in one ear and out the other. Jill asks TJ how you can have an assignment and not do it. In confessional, Jill says that she doesn’t understand why Lisa doesn’t take these exercises seriously. She says there were some exercises that she kicked and screamed all the way through, but it never entered her mind not to do them. TJ says if Lisa starts spinning out of control, she will help her emotionally, but she won’t help her make one necklace. TJ says that she loves her and doesn’t want to see her go. Jill says that’s interesting because she thought the same thing. TJ says she has a huge thing that Lisa will be packing her bags tomorrow.

Josie is leaving and asking for a bunch of kisses from Chloe and Chloe just says bye like it’s no big deal Jessica is playing with Chloe and in confessional says she is having fun playing with Chloe, but she forgot how much work a 2 year old is because you have to watch them like a hawk, but she hopes that Josie can enjoy her time to herself.

Josie and Christina are at Betty Ann’s house and she tells them they are going to make some china for the kids for them to appreciate when they are older. Betty Ann tells them to pick something to say and they will put it on the plate.

Lisa goes to the bead store to buy supplies for 50 more necklaces and she is getting frustrated and doesn’t know what she wants. She is getting impatient and isn’t focusing asking the man in the store about different beads and then saying she can’t do it because it’s too small or she can’t visualize it in her head because her brain doesn’t work that way. She is just working herself up into a frenzy. In confessional, Lisa says that she walks into the bead store and it’s very overwhelming because she is having trouble figuring out what she needs. She says that thankfully the store owner is trying to help her with everything she needs to know and hopefully she learns it or she is screwed.

Josie and Christina are painting their plates. Josie is saying that she works 10 hours a day 7 days a week and that she never gets a day off. Betty Ann says she is glad that she is spending a day off there. In confessional, Christina says that she is finding that she and Josie are both very creative and find comfort and therapy in art. Betty Ann tells them she will fire the plates and they thank her, hug, and leave.

Dr Stan meets with Jill and asks her to tell him about the radio debut in LA. Jill says that it was great. Jill says that it has been two years since she has been on the air, but it could have been 5 minutes. Dr Stan asks her how long she was in radio and Jill says 15 years. Dr Stan asks what advice she gave to the listeners and Jill says get off the couch. Jill says that she needs to follow her instincts and thinks that she needs to use her voice to talk about things that she thinks it important. Dr Stan says that since she has the radio voice and experiences along with the emotional things he asks if she will be able to package it in a way that it profitable to her. Jill says yes and that she thinks she would be good on NPR or satellite. In confessional, Dr Stan says that he is there is remind Jill that she needs to make her health a priority so she can get back to focusing on making all of her dreams come true. Dr Stan asks her to think about the kinds of things she needs to do to make it easier for herself and to do the things she wants to do.

Josie and Christina come back and Jessica meets them at the door with Chloe. Dr Stan comes in behind and asks Josie what she thought. Josie said it was really fun. In confessional, Dr Stan says that now Josie understand finding in balance in her life. He hopes this visit gives her the knowledge and skills to live her life in a healthy way and still be a great mom. Dr Stan asks if Josie feels more comfortable and Josie says that it was very therapeutic. Dr Stan says goodbye to Josie.

In confessional, Lisa says that she wants to finish her exercise but the actual act of doing what is required is killing her. It’s not easy. She says she doesn’t want to do it, but she has to do to get what she wants.

Josie and Chloe are leaving and saying goodbye to everyone. In confessional, Christina says that she finds that she and Josie have quite a bit in common and being single parents. Christina says they were able to connect on a different level than they first did. Everyone is hugging and saying goodbye and Josie tells all the women to trust the house.

Lisa is saying that she makes her own rules and she is afraid. She says that she got beads to jazz it up but they still look so cheap. Jill is making suggestions and Lisa says she didn’t think to buy wire and that she had the store owner do some of the work for her. Lisa then asks Jessica if she can buy back the necklace that Lisa paid her with so she doesn’t have to make another one. In confessional, Jessica says that when the assignment first started she helped Lisa a lot, and in return she got a necklace, but now Lisa is asking for it back because she needs it for her assignment. Jill makes a comment about taking the necklace back and Lisa says that she said she would pay for it and that she is just trying to make her feel guilty. TJ says there ya go. Lisa says she is glad she has a jewelry expert to tell her what’s up and she isn’t being facetious. Jill tells her that she is, but that’s ok. Lisa says that she doesn’t know and that she isn’t pretending to be an expert or know what she is talking about. She says she doesn’t know jack about this and then says fine, you can all say what a bitch I am. Jill tells Lisa there are no judgments, but that Lisa makes it almost impossible to support her when she acts like this.

TJ, Jill, and Jessica are outside and saying that this is good for Lisa. They see through the door that Allison is sitting down at the table to help Lisa and TJ says that she is Allison’s accountability partner and that she can’t let Allison do that. TJ walks in and asks Allison if she wants her hair done and Lisa huffs and says perfect timing. TJ asks what’s wrong and Lisa says that Allison is trying to help her and asks TJ if she minds. Allison tells TJ they can do it tomorrow. When TJ leaves the room Lisa there is a big blur over Lisa’s mouth and a long bleep. I have no idea what she said, but it wasn’t nice. TJ goes back outside and tells Jessica and Jill that Lisa gave her the evil eye. Jill says if Lisa needs help she will ask for it. TJ asks if helping Lisa is the right choice. Jill says she will make that choice of she asks, but she didn’t ask so Jill isn’t going to offer. Allison is trying to help Lisa and showing her how to tie something and Lisa is whining and saying that it won’t look pretty though. Allison tells her that it is not about looking pretty, but about follow through. Christina comes walking in and asks how she can help and Lisa starts whining about how she was trying to do what her customer wanted, but she didn’t know and didn’t have enough money. Allison tells Lisa that she needs to talk like an adult. Lisa says that she got charms that were too cheap and then says that Jill asked her snottily why she didn’t get any wire, and Lisa says maybe it’s because she’s not an F’ing jewelry person. Lisa starts crying and saying that she can do this sh**. (Lisa goes from whiny to mean to sarcastic to lashing out all in 30 seconds. It is so freaking scary – like watching Sybil.) Allison tells Lisa that she and Christina are there to help with her spinning out of control. Lisa says that she is thinking about leaving. Lisa says that Dr Stan said that maybe she wasn’t ready and Lisa says she isn’t ready to do this stupid F’ing thing that she hates. Lisa says that she is blaming other people and doesn’t feel good about how it looks when it’s done. Allison tells Lisa that it is her first attempt and that Christina probably didn’t do a great job the first time she danced, and Christina says that she spilled a beer on a guy. Outside, Jill says if Allison and Christina want to help Lisa then they need to do what they want to do. Jessica says that if Lisa came crying to her that there is a good chance that she would have helped her and Jill says that Lisa would have loved it. TJ says that this is a joke and that this is how children cry to get what they want. TJ says that they wouldn’t put up with it from Chloe for 2 seconds and Jessica agrees and says she didn’t let Chloe get away with that today. TJ says right, so why would you let a 41 year old adult get away with it. Lisa is inside saying that she doesn’t have to pretend to like it and is just complaining her butt off. If she spent her energy on working instead of complaining she would already have been finished. Christina comes outside and Jessica asks how it’s going and Christina says that she is only doing it so Lisa doesn’t get kicked out of the house. She says that her philosophy is that if one fails, they all fail. Lisa says that she doesn’t like it but she will do what she has to do. Allison tells Lisa that she shoveled poop and Lisa says that she didn’t mind that because it came from animals and they can’t help. She says she would much rather do back breaking work than jewelry. Jill thanks Allison for helping and TJ silently walks out the door after putting on a jacket and Lisa says oh F*** you, too. Outside, Allison says that she thinks they need to give Lisa a break. Allison says that Lisa has acted out like a child, but she wants to get through it, and she wants to give up. Allison says they need to support Lisa because she has never done this before. Jill says that Lisa has done it before because she did it a week ago. TJ says that she has known about this for a week and Allison says that doesn’t matter because it’s their responsibility as part of the sisterhood to talk her down from her panic. TJ says right, but when does Lisa start to stand alone and walk through it because no one can carry her over the finish line. In confessional, Lisa says she didn’t come this far to pack her bags and leave although she feels like it. She says she is going to keep doing it, but she feels like she can’t get it done.

On the next Starting Over: Frustration in the house hits an all time high. Jessica says that she can see that a part of Lisa wants to give up and when she does they aren’t going to be able to support her anymore. And Lisa may have run out with chances with Rhonda. Rhonda tells Lisa that she doesn’t get sucked into the crying and manipulation and if she wants the easy way out then the SOH is not the place for her. And TJ gets a lesson on what it is like to be a mom; TJ is running after a bunch of kids yelling no!