Starting Over Talk - Peer Coaching Support Site

Debby,

I agree with KP about balance. Is she so unsure of her mothering skills that she's going overboard to "prove" to herself and everyone that she's a perfect mom and has a smart and perfect child?? Could be.............or does she feel that's the only thing she has now and must define herself solely by this??

Whatever the reasons, it is sad to see such a lack of balance. Neither smothering nor neglect are healthy for kiddos. I think it's a great idea to talk to some others who were invited and who you have that openness with. But there may be nothing to do if she's in that space in her life right now.

It's not healthy for either of them..........our children need proper socialization, and so do we!!!

I think both of you are right on point. She is no longer in the mix of our social lives here in the capital city. She used to be very social. Now she lives in a smaller town without many friends. I think she is lonely, but honestly, she can't be a friend to anyone until she can turn loose of her child for 5 minutes. That is probably why she hasn't developed friends there and why she holds her old friends so dear. We love her no matter how she is with her child. New peolple probably aren't that understanding.

She is a very high achiever as well. She wants the very best for her child, I know that. She chose to have him without a father in his life and I think she may feel that she must now be all things to him. She solicits male friends and family members to offer that male role model in his life.

I'll let you know what my friend says who was there too. She had made a few comments before the trip that now that I look back, make me think she knew what to expect.

I spoke with one of my friends about the situation I described here. She did notice and feels like I do, however we don't think there is really anything we can do. Our mutual friend is a very strong willed person and we both don't think she would welcome advice on what we perceive as a problem.

I did confirm that our friend does not have the same social activity that she used to have when she lived in our city. She has few friends who are in situations like herself. I think she is so used to operating one on one with her child that she is just out of touch with adult contact.

I did discover that our friend had actually hired a part-time nanny who was working for her to come to the beach and provide care for the child while she was visiting, however, at the last minute the nanny canceled out. Apparently she just totally quit. I suspect my friend's high standards for the nanny were difficult to handle.

I guess we will just try to stay in touch with her and get together on occassion. I'll keep my mouth shut and hopefully, she will come around or her child will grow up and tell her he needs some space.

Debby... I'm just wondering... is it possible for you to make plans with your friend while her child is in nursery school?

I would not bring up the situation as you described here... I would be afraid that it would be perceived as criticism.

mazzy wrote:

QUOTE:
Debby... I'm just wondering... is it possible for you to make plans with your friend while her child is in nursery school?

I would not bring up the situation as you described here... I would be afraid that it would be perceived as criticism.

Possibly. She lives about a 5 hour drive away, so I would have to go during the week when the child is in school, however, she works at her part time job during that time. He goes to school 3 days per week. Perhaps she will hire a new part time nanny and when I go up to visit, she and I can have some alone time. She begs me to come visit. I guess I can give it another shot. Plus, if we are in her hometown, her mother or father might babysit for us to go out in the evening.

Debby... I would be honest with my friend and let her know that I'd love to visit if she were able to arrange time for you and her to have some adult alone time. I wouldn't get into criticizing her behavior, but I would make my needs clear.