Starting Over Talk - Peer Coaching Support Site

Hi Everyone,

OK, am posting because I would like to ask some advice.

I realized some of my old behaviors and attitudes that hurt someone very, very special I was dating in my life. At the time, I was too close to the situation to see it, but after some time away and soul-searching, I have realized my part in things...and feel terrible about it.

How can I show my true sincerity in apologizing and making amends? I am really serious about this...in other words, how would you beleive a person is sincere in their apology to you??

Thanks!
Sojak

Be honest and speak from your heart. Feel it when you say it.

For me it's about action and attitude. I look at their attitude when making the apology or the "I've missed you" talk. Reading faces and voice inflections can tell you a lot. Also, always back up words with actions. Simple and small things....a nice card in the mail, compliment to their child, invite to coffee. Things like this. But also knowing not to push too quickly to give them space to accept that you are sincere.

Sojak, even though it's hard to give advice not knowing what is involved, my general advise would be to first approach them humbly, no attitude and not ready to defend yourself. Acknowledge their feelings. You realized they were hurt by your actions let them see that you know how they must have felt and that you have thought long and hard about it and want to apologize for that hurt. Then let them know what you have realized. Be sincere, honest, and not ashamed to humble yourself. Don't give 1000 excuses that would seem as if you are justifying your actions, but maybe if they could understand why you did what you did and that you now realize how wrong you were, they would see that sincere apology clearly. After you have said what needs to be said, lovingly allow them to take it all in, may take a moment, may take a week.. but allow them the time to process it (especially if it was really bad) Say your piece then give them space without expecting anything from them. That way you've done all you can do to make amends and its up to them to decide if they can accept it or not.

Frankly if it was too severe and hurtful they may not listen with an open mind, don't lay expectations but if they end up seeing how sorry you are and decide to be a part of your life in some way.. then you really have a good friend there. Otherwise, you've done your part it's all you can do.. be ready to move on if it doesn't end up as you'd like, if a friend or loved one has no forgiveness for you (we all make mistakes.. realizing, owning your mistake and ammending shows a lot of honor and respect on your part) then they really weren't that great a friend to begin with.

Good Luck *hugs*

My opinion is that taking the time to put to words your thought and apology in a written note or card is a great way to put the ball back in their court. It is up to them to accept your apology.

Be honest about your revelation and why you want to apologize. This sounded like it was a romantic relationship. (Maybe I misunderstood..) If so, it will allow some closure for both of you especially if he/they are in a place where they've moved on. Sometimes just acknowledging ones feelings (through the apology) can go along way toward heeling a rift. But than again, if a person is always apologizing and repeating mistakes..(like Lisa N.) then the apology may not come across very sincerely.

I am sure you want to at the very least, heal possible wounds, and I hope also that you can recover your friendship or relationship whatever the case may be.

If the apology isn't accepted then you've done what you could. Maybe the other person just needs more time. But at least they'll know your heart.

In your note, card, email.... (whatever!)... Offer to be available to talk it over more in person if they want. This way you are opening the door.

I'd prefer a note than a faceoff type conversation. That way both people have time to collect their thoughts and digest what they want to say and what they've heard. I have a tendency to get off track when talking to someone..or put my foot in my mouth! So that is one thing for you to consider...

You could always drop by a week or so later with a small 'peace offering' too. That way both have had time..the information is there... and either they'll chuckle at the peace offering or throw you out! Then you'll have got your answer!

A peace offering could be flowers, potted plant... or any little thing that shows you really do care about the friendship and their feelings. Even if it's something in the past.

The friendship may not be what it used to be...but if at least you mend fences...then it can only make you both better for future friendships and relationships. You'll have learned from it...and the other person should feel better having had their feelings validated.