Starting Over Talk - Peer Coaching Support Site

This rumor is true. Their house is up for sale, and she is living with her daughter until it sells.

Wow, IF it’s true, then now I wonder if Lisa went to the Starting Over House as her last-minute attempt to avoid or delay the inevitable, a divorce, because that had already been spoken out loud and she already knew it was probably coming. After all those years of marriage, it sure would be a short space in time after her graduation before such a major development to ... develop, unless the prospect of divorce was solidly presented in the first place.

It’s not surprising if true. I felt that the husband may have stayed married to Lisa to continue to do "penance" for his wrongs, the affair of course, but possibly for something even worse - marrying someone he knew he didn't love even after he knew he wanted to back out at the start. After that, an affair was possibly a way for him to declare or force his independence from the marriage, but it didn’t work with Lisa. Maybe now Lisa is finally ready to let go, because she discovered after SO that even when she released her anger and decided not to punish her husband any more, he still had no real interest or desire to be there for her. What a sad realization if that’s what occurred. That was always I question I had with Iyanla's approach. Focus on yourself? Sure. Expect that your own changes could ever heal a relationship when the other half of the relationship is uninvolved in the process or the goal? Not likely.

I hope Lisa will find happiness and real love. She has been in a loveless marrige a long time and she deserves to be happy and whole. I think this was a long time coming. She never did want to do the exercises that related to her husband. I agree that she played a big part in the unhappiness. At least the SOH has helped her gain the courage to change that.

sr80634 wrote:

QUOTE:
This rumor is true. Their house is up for sale, and she is living with her daughter until it sells.

Does that mean Lisa is going to mooch off her daughter? Shouldn't Iyanla have considered the possibility that Lisa would divorce Tony and focussed on getting her some job skills? And, if she was considering divorce, why did Lisa choose a graduation dress that her boobs were falling out of? To cruise the bars in search of another man to live off of?

If the story is true... it's sad but not surprising. They did give her the gift of 10 marriage couseling so that he's included.

Sometimes when a person had changed quite a bit (like turning thier life around or even loosing a lot of weight) the partner is unable to adjust. He may have been comfortable where things were at and didn't want such a drastic change. He may have stayed thinking she can't do it alone or maybe he felt unneeded now that she can stand on her own 2 feet... maybe he doesn't like her independance.... He may have refused to go to counseling as well... don't know. Sadly people do get a divorce at a drop of a hat anymore and it does in fact takes 2 people to work on it.

I once knew a couple (in thier 60s) that couldn't survive the wife suddenly volunterring and seeing her kids that moved away once he retired. He didn't want anything more than his recliner and tv... He didn't miss her when she was gone and got use to it. He even refused to take marriage counseling or volunteer with kids or even join a lodge... just sat there. Sad really but it happens.

Exactly. Iyanla took a very limited approach which was focused on what Lisa could do, all by herself, to make her marriage "real." But that approach didn't contemplate the very real possibility that the marriage was already too dead to resuscitate - and that what Lisa might really need, instead of jumping in a pool, for example, was some practical help and support in forging a life on her own.